my nightmare keeps unfolding

that was my lament last night. it just seemed to get better and better. and the kids i work with know how to laugh about these kinds of blunders. perhaps it's easier when you're not the one making the blunders to laugh about them. but i was pretty bummed last night. all i could feel was my failure.

called my boss as he arrived at the store this am with another angle, i keep trying to help him not take a hit from this. and he just said,

go back to bed, i'll fix it.

so i get another couple calls and not only am i not the worst case in the district, i'm not the highest ranking worst case. let's leave it at that. all this to make me feel better, but it doesn't make me feel much better that others have to struggle with this now too. it reveals a serious flaw in the system if such major errors, loopholes, blackholes, if you will, are built into the system.

i missed it. competely. and it was so obvious, but i remember a lot of things that happened, and i can't beat myself up about it. i'm going to the farm, away from my life and let the horses put me back together again. that is the kindness they provide. draw me back to now. to this moment, when i want to run away.

sometimes it feels like it all gets away from me. that's how i feel now. my boss came back and i just let it all go. that was not the right thing to do either, there are some responsibilities i need to maintain whether he's in town or not. but he must help me through this learning part, because i have so much to do at the store, i can hardly manage it all with our current staffing situation.

i wish i had more days off, but i'm grateful for the kindness of my boss who is helping dig the store out of a hole. sigh.

learning is very tough.