i keep wondering where i lost it, the joy. the feeling that life was a celebration. tonight i needed help, and asked for it from those closest to me, and they did not oblige. what am i to do? keep asking? hardly. my inclination is to be done with it, the asking, the vulnerability of it all, the need of them. to shut down that area of my life and heart and close them out. for good.
is this too harsh? perhaps.
but how many times does a woman get beaten down and get back up and say, hit me again? how many i ask is too many? and i'm so far away from family, they can only hold me in words and answer when i call but not rush to me, never rush to me. and this is when i need them most. these blood ties that i find so few anymore.
i would wander away if i could, off the map never to be seen again. and who would notice, my co-workers, certainly. my sister, undoubtedly. but i don't know that the life i'm living now is sustainable in the context in which i'm living it.
contexts must change.
and so they shall.
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