be here now

is the utterance i hear. but it is also my plaintive cry.

as if anything could change from someone merely being present.

but then everything would have to change. and that pearl jam line,

everything has change, absolutely nothing's changed

strikes me as true once again.

i'm still making mistakes. i think we don't get out of this life without a whole
slew of foibles and follies. i just wish they didn't happen with the guileless.

which is probably why too many guileless don't hang about me.

my cluttered airwaves probably muck up their clarity.

but whatever. it is how it is. and the static of my life is this,
i'm horribly tough on myself. i'm my own worst critic. i'm the elder brother in my own life. i don't need anyone to beat me up, i do a fine job myself.

which is perhaps the pinnacle of myopia. but what can i say?

maybe that is why the confessional stuff comes to me. i bleed it, in a sense.

but my boss kept saying to me,

it's okay, you're new.

and i kept saying,

i know but i don't want to make mistakes.

and i will. i always will.

i want to be perfect even though it's an impossible standard. and i know i'm not perfect, so i live in this angst of imperfection.

that's a good word, angst. it's one of those sounds like it feels words.

anyway. i'll just give myself the day off, since i have it.
and relax with my friend who emailed late and said,

i need you.

it's good to be needed.

i need her too. she keeps me here.

and being here now is the task at hand.

checking out would be the easiest option.