the key to my liberation

i don't want to do the dishes. i didn't want to take my kid to the pool. i didn't want to go workout. i'm wanting more, always wanting more.

but i took my kid to the pool, went and worked out, and soon, i will go stand at the sink for an hour and scrub dishes.

i will be glad when they are done, feel that peculiar sense of satisfaction, that caring for others, tending responsibilities brings.

just now though, i feel like curling up in a ball and sleeping for about a week. i don't think i shook that tired that stalked me last semester, and i better find some rest this next two weeks before it starts all over again.

i don't want to hear about whose dying and how. i don't want to be afraid of anything. i want to believe the hawk still flies and there are dreams that do come true. but today, none of that feels real.

it all feels distant and i'm tired, too tired to fight my head which nags at me, the facts of the matter. too tired to say, damn logic, i'm going with my heart.

my heart just wants to find some peace, and at the moment, that means yielding to the dictates of the head.

i wanted to tell you more of the clown story, but i never came back around to it. it became about me just staying awake, and not passing out at 7pm, so i can wake up at 4am. i have to work until 12 tonight, so maybe these irregular schedules are messing with me. i'm not sure. i'm not sure.

i did see bucky saturday, he was golden like a ripe wheat field, glistening in the sun, his sleek scarred body smelled so good to me. i ran my hands along his flanks, and kissed his grey muzzle. he nickered as we approached and whinnied as we left. he usually silently receives me, but it's been a long time. too long. and his stablemate was indoors, for some reason. so bucky saw us at prince's stable feeding him a cookie. bucky probably was grateful to get a whiff of one so familiar on our hands.

i keep sneaking around trying not to get in trouble, but i think that is the worst way of being someplace. i'd rather just do what i'm going to do, than slink about.

my heart needs rest. how does one find rest for a weary heart. where does one go to recover the certainties they once stood upon and grasped in strong hands. hands that are now empty as the moonless night. empty as the winter pond.

and i didn't go to the rez this week, but last time i was there, just overhead flew a swan. a lone swan. and i was glad to see him, and wondered where he was headed.

there are so many questions that flood my mind, and sometimes, the mind needs to just idle rather than rev higher and higher.

the dishes are calling to me. and i will go do them. they may hold secrets for me. they may release some mystery and wonder. the remnants of yesterday, the sordid bits that i pick through and try to comprehend. it's all i know. it's all i know.