reunion

it used to be a favorite word for me. now it's one i want no part of, unless it be the reunion i dream of. not the throngs of people i didn't know and still don't care about from high school. not the groups of people who share a common interest. none of that matters to me. i'd rather not be a part of those kinds of reunions.

i have to be "on" at work.

to smile and speak to people. ask them how they are, where they are headed. what's going on, pry basically.

and i'm good at it. i even remember some of the details for their next visit.

but i don't care about any of that.

it is not what motivates me. leaning forward and gaining momentum used to be what moved me forward, but that has lost it's allure.

i was needing that summer class to stave off some of this confusion. but maybe confusion is what i need now. a big heavy dose of, just get up, go to work, and accomplish a few things. rather than create, believe, dream.

that i can't see what's coming doesn't surprise me anymore. i've ceased looking. ceased caring. i'm just here now. in this time and space.

but sometimes, my heart gets away from me and wanders into other places, and entertains the lost, houses the solitary. and i must draw it back inside my too limited body, and try to contain all it brings to me.

to compartmentalize these wings, these dreams, these hopes. for they are not for now. they are never for now. they are for tomorrow. for someday. not now.

i wonder whom i'll meet today. that still intrigues me. that a face can stand out in a crowd and be someone to me, in my life. they can penetrate this haze and bring me a point of light, a moment of clarity so elusive on my own.

and then, when i am tired, i lay down and wonder why sleep eludes me. my mind reels and spins, and i wander back through what was once familiar, to find no thing is familiar. it is all estranged. and i am a stranger in my own life.

and i have lost interest in it all. but here i am. in the middle of it still. trying to find my way back to caring. back to believing.

and duty draws me away from these doubts. the place and time i must show up and punch in. the demands it makes on my energies are just enough to sustain me.

until i am home again, foraging for comfort. and finding none.

in a few weeks i will see my sister again. and hold her babies. walk the beaches where i became who i am today. and try not to miss the family that will not be seeing me. whose arms will not embrace me, and whose kiss will not refresh my lips.

but this is how life is for me.

and now, just in time, duty calls.
i must away.