disregard

i'm not sure what it is i expect.

perhaps not to find my visual file, my artists collage crammed behind the tv.
the god of our home.

perhaps to find the windows of my sleeping chamber still open, as i left them, so the oppressive 90 degree heat can escape, rather than accumulate. it is hard to sleep when sweltering on baking hot sheets.

but here i am, up, sweating from having worked and not had decent air conditioning there (i'm always burning up at work, because i actually work), but also because our a/c sucks.

and now, home, where i hope to have some relief, i find none. only more exacerbation.

i ran out of rope a long time ago. what keeps me here, i do not know. my child for sure. thinking, it is for her i stay, for her alone.

certainly not for this facade of a marriage.

there i've said it.

marriage sucks. and i will never marry again, if i can help it. it is not worth it to me to be married. it is a prison. a death of soul and i cannot escape it.

i am trapped.

but i'm not really. i'm working on a plan.

now i've gone and said too much. i've been too honest. but that has always been my worst flaw.

and now, no different.

i'm tired. of it all.

i pray the rains will come and wash it all away. that somewhere spring will remind me of why i labor through the winter. and that winter will revive me again.

i want that home with the raging fire, and the buffalo skin rug. that place of my dreams. i still remember how to dream. even though real life is pretty much shit.

it's just my home life that is shit. the rest is pretty decent.

i must try to sleep, but it's too hot. so i'll likely linger awake for an indeterminate amount of time.

such is life.