the sweat report

i had to end my deprivation because i have too much to do and no time to get it all done. enough said.

but before i let myself off the proverbial hook, i had to subject myself to the rigors of working out at the gym without my music. a rather large woman mounted a machine just after me (sigh, why do they do that?).

i tried to keep moving away from her, but i can't move faster than my mechanical trainer will go, and i can no longer jump around (at least i don't think i can), today would have been the day to try.

so she asks,

are you staying two rounds on the machine

(because, genius, my mechanical trainer is not necessarily in synch with the recorded lady who tells us when to move).

i'm staying as long as my card tells me to stay.

(so glad i was able to talk today, because i would have been even more rude simply ignoring her, though i wanted to, how i wanted to).

and every time she'd get close, she'd say,

i'm sweating all ready.

to which i deliberately held my tongue, because the retorts i came up with, (so much for purging silence, i seemed to make up for a day of not speaking with a barrage of cussing on the freeway to my girl's riding camp. somedays i'm worse than a sailor, and, well, if silence were a "help" i'm simply beyond help), were not fit to be spoken aloud.

i get away from her, she catches up again,

my god, i'm sweating!

(genius, you're at the gym, this is a place you're supposed to sweat. that you are sweating is not something that even needs addressing from my vantage point. that i don't know you or care that you exist, is entirely an aside for me).

grrr.

and i left thinking about the meditation book i read (having read so many of them, it's hard for me to pin down where this gem came from), but it said, once this man was on a silent retreat. there was a time for sitting in meditation, and then they were to all get up, silently (that goes without saying from here forward), and walk around the room in circles a designated number of times and then return to the meditation posture. this man noted the squeaking of a person's walker during the meditative walking portion of the program. and fought with himself to keep his mind focused on the meditation, rather than the annoyance of the situation.

could a contemplative help requiring the use of a walker? should they be banned from a silent weekend because of a squeaky walker? no. of course not.

so, i guess, that my brain spirals wildly out of control with the sweaty lady, is one thing. that i said nothing, is entirely other.

but i can be cruel in my mind, and i would like to change that. i believe we are just a heartbeat away from acting on our thoughts. and i would rather think thoughts of peace and kindness, but i have a long, woefully long way to go.

and the sweaty lady will come again, to test my progress. they always do, return, those we fail at loving. they come like the plague, whether we want it or not, whether we're prepared or not. they come. and we must find a way to deal with them.

on a decidely peaceful note, i went shopping yesterday and i didn't speak but just a few words yesterday. i happened into a store where my friend works, and she said i was weird, but was glad i came in so she could get my phone number.

her mom is the one who may or may not host me for a read sometime in the near future. i hope she does.

and as i was shopping, and not speaking, it was curious to see the faces of employees who are used to being engaged in return dialogue. when i held up eight fingers for my shoe size, they took a moment, and then caught on.

i just kept smiling. my secret. but curious, how one feels when one does not utter a thank you, or a request.

and as my drive to camp this morning proved, there is precious little i need to speak aloud.

lots of fat to trim in my life, that has always been certain.

but as i lay in the woods and listened to the skittering squirrels and chattering chipmunks, i was grateful to be there with them. that i had no place else to be and that i had stopped the madness of modern life, for even a moment.

and there i heard great things. many words. many stories. may they come forth in their time. not before.

and my i utter them aloud someday.