what it means

driving home from my workout, the hawk circles high above my home. and i am taken back to a time not long ago. a time when i believed in something. someone.

i keep scratching at the dusty floor, hoping something has made it, that there will be more than just rocks and dirt but that seems to be how it is.

and my girl tells me she doesn't feel like we spend "any" time together.
to which i reply,

i spend all my time with you when i'm not at work, so what time is left?

this does not appease her. and she will not relent.

what does it mean, to spend time together?

i wonder. i ask.

let's go swimming. or talk.

we talk all the time. and i didn't swim because of a new tat, that's the only reason why, though there are no excuses.

i don't understand how if i give someone my everything, every ounce of interest i can muster, every scrap of love i have left. that this is not sufficient.

and my husband with his long bloodhound eyes asks me why i don't spend any time around him. and i don't have time for that shit. he's an adult. and just before i go to bed to get up at 4am, is not the time to tell me how i'm missed in my life.

i guess i've become a cutout of who i was. but it doesn't feel that way.

i feel my life so acutely now. the monotone scream of it all. the whirring of fans and air conditioners when the only sound i want to hear is a sparrow or a crow.

and i asked myself, when is a good time to get my next tat? we plan on swimming ust as much this winter as we are this summer. how can i squeeze it in?

i won't rush it though. though i like this artist. i trust him. and trust is everything to me.

there is nothing left to give. i have my arms spread out, and my hands wide open. i have nothing else. this is all i am. who i am.

and tonight i go off to a belly dancing gathering with my friend, and my daughter pouts because the daughter of this friend is very much adored, and my girl would like to accompany me. but it is not, so not about the children tonight.

and i must get away.

i must find my own way sometimes. i cannot only give. they would bleed me dry.

and i've become one of those women, comfortable with her body, the shape of it, the imperfections. languishing on top of the water, floating there as if there were no place else in the world to be.

and for a moment, there wasn't.

but duty calls to me now, and i must find a way to get it done. i clear my schedule so i can be with my girl, though she doesn't feel like i'm being with her for some reason i don't yet understand.

and i do the best i can and let the rest go. realizing, we are only given this one life to do the best we can with.

no one will every fully comprehend, ever understand the choices we made. so we must, at the very least, make them and sleep well at night.

and that which is mine will come to me. i believe this.

the hawk circled high in the sky as i lay out on my towel, and i was grateful to see him. and wondered if he saw me.