becoming a mare

that gorgeous creature of a mare, the thoroughbred, has been raising hell in the barn for weeks. kicking the stalls, pinning her ears, biting anything within reach. it's like someone flipped a switch and now she's a total bitch.

not that i can't say i don't understand. believe me, i do.

today nicole said,

she's becoming a mare, maybe she'll grow out of it.

as she dressed her legs for transport to a show.

you should come.

and maybe we will. but the whole riding competition world does not interest me in the least. if we go, we will go because my child wants to or is showing. we are moving that direction because there are certain things a show will help my girl master. at least this is nicole's logic. and i can't say i know any better. so i go with what nicole says.

but when she left the barn, bandit let out one giant scream, and i walked over to him, and scratched that spot on his neck that is a sweet spot. and he didn't holler anymore, he just let me scratch and scratch and scratch.

i stood beside him and talked to him, until we threw him a flake of hay and he got busy eating. nervous eating, i guess you'd call it.

and i went back to mucking stalls and fiddling about with the others, as i'm inclined to do.

and bandit hollered once much later, before we left.

and i found it a particular triumph that he, who was inconsolable before (when we first started spending time with him/them), now only bellows twice. and i can't say i blame him. she's gone. she went to a show and left him there.

he's got abandoment issues, i understand that too.

and of course, i'm anthropomorphizing, but whatever. it is what it is. in equine terms i think it amounts to just missing her, and i understand that too. equine terms or human. both the same.

love and separation, grief and abandonment, loneliness and fear. all of these things are palpable parts of my life, and have been since i was. to feel these things from another creature is not some great mystery. to stand in that place, beside his giant shoulders, which are as tall as me when i'm wearing my platform flipflops (which i love), and he licks my fingers and looks at me so desperately. i understand it all.

i will not judge him for being attached to another. i will simply love him as he is. the big dramatic deal he is.

wouldn't be the first time.

i just imagine him in his prime, hunting. he must have been something. and now, slightly working, he just needs something to occupy his mind and his time. otherwise, i don't think he could help being neurotic.

and for now, that he is assuaged by my presence even slightly, it is enough.

for he assuages me. that's how it works.

the measure you mete out. or something like that.