the things we tell ourselves

i happened to see this as my soon to be ex was flipping through the channels on the tv. it was furniture for my future home. i sat, gawking and wishing it were mine now. that the life to go with that furniture were mine now.

a girl can dream, anyway. and so i shall.

i know it's an expensive habit, dreaming. but that's how it goes.

and today, my paleontologist co-worker who is as burned out as the rest of us, said to me,

are you optimistic?

yes, i am optimistic.

about what?

he said.

about everything and nothing at all.

that doesn't make any sense,

he said.

and i said,

exactly.

it's strange how my language, my way of being, my vantage point is a complete contradiction.

i'm proper.

he said.

i'm not.

i said,

i don't know that i ever will be. i think it's something that comes from raising. i don't know that i could pass for proper now. i think it's something cultural, do you agree?

yes.

he said.
.

i think it's more of a european thing.

yes.

he said.

and whatever proper is, i don't got it. end of story.

i went on to tell him,

i was raised with different priorities, i guess.

and then a customer came in.

it's a curious thing, connecting with co-workers, because they aren't your friends. they won't, likely, ever be my friends, but they are in my life quite a lot. this shared space gives many the illusion of closeness, but it's not. we work, we go home. we don't think about co-workers, save the writing here of little this and thats, i don't think of them at all (unless i'm wringing my hands about something and that is not in the friendship way of thinking, but in the business, how the hell do i handle this way of thinking).

before i give away too many of my dreams, i'll just shuttle them away and keep moving in their general direction.

i need to make my way there. i will make my way there someday.

ache my feet

not my heart! oh, let it be so. let it be so.

and, it is. my feet are throbbing, that's for sure. first time at this job that i've felt this way. but i've never done this forty hour gig before now. today, a kid simply didn't show up for his shift tonight and i was left holding the bag.

you can't leave,

the other girl said.

i'm not going to leave you alone,

i told her.

but i'm sitting down.

i was wiped. so i took my braids out and put my feet on a chair, because after eight plus hours of standing, one needs to sit.

i was all giddy by the end, and moving at a snails pace, making a mess--serious messes. and we had kind understanding customers. they were patient and laughing. i was glad. one guy came in and he said,

i was here earlier and the line was out the door, but you still served me quickly, so i can wait.

thank you!

i said. and he waited.

i've got all the time in the world,

he said.

and i was just so grateful. because when you can only move so fast, there is nothing impatience is going to do but make it worse.

then, mercifully, i got a call from nicole, it finally went down and she's leaving the farm, meaning, i won't see bucky again.

but i'm too tired to miss him just yet, and maybe somehow, if a miracle happens, i can visit him. maybe.

i was hoping to spend the winter visiting him like i did last winter. it was very comforting. and i will miss him. i will miss him with my whole soul. but for now, my feet are all that matters.

so my boss, my poor, sweet boss is having to come in to close tonight after leaving yesterday and saying, don't call me suzanne.

and i didn't. the other girl did.

and so, he's closing tonight and i'm opening tomorrow. 4am. yay!

but i'm wiped now.

gotta veg then to bed as soon as the benedryl kicks in.

thank god for ibuprofen. this is what i love. this is what i love.

but this is not all i love...

nonevents and nothingness

there is so much i want to say to you, can you read between these lines and hear my heart, i think so, but i'm not sure anymore.

a customer came in tonight whom i'd met before and told me he'd hook me up with some jazz. we exchanged artist's names, but the moment he walked out the door, i forgot what they were. he came back tonight and said,

did you get a chance to listen?

no,

i said.

i'm so glad you're here because i didn't write them down.

well, i wrote them down tonight but he said,

don't buy any, i'll bring you some.

and i am grateful for this kindness. i have no time to shop for food, let alone music. and gifted music is something i've not received in a great while.

met a musician who was strikingly familiar, he evoked a smile from me whenever i'd look at him. he had one of those familiar faces. i told him he reminded me of a dear friend and that's why i kept smiling. i ended up telling him my friend is a drummer, a natural drummer.

well, i'm a basist

he said.

about as close as you can get to drumming without actually drumming.

yes,

i said.

he invited me to a place where he jams with a band, but plays the guitar instead of bass on that night (les paul jr. plays bass on those nights, i'd sit it out too if i had the chance). so, i may go. i told him,

i don't get off work until 11pm.

we play until 12:30.

bonus! something that actually fits into my schedule. and since, i'm tired, but not sleepy when i get off work, i may go by. he says this weekend might be busier than usual because of the holiday, so maybe i'll wait a week and go when there is no one.

i like anonymity. it suits me.

though you'd never know that here.

i met a guy who is from mexico. he makes the best greek salads, and i'm going to get to practice my spanish with him, i guess, as i gave him my digits since he'll be going back to mexico to study architecture. very nice.

i work with the sweetest girl, yesterday she was done with her break early and wanted to start work, but i told her no. and she said,

what do i do then?

and i said,

you can move my car

(parking is a bitch around there. we have to hop our cars around the four hour spaces, until it gets close to 7pm when we can park them on the street by our work).

so i hand her my ignition key and she looks at it,

how do i get in?

she asked.

i said,

old school. put the key in the hole and turn it.

she laughed.

and she moved my POS, parked it rather poorly, but i didn't care. one less thing for me to do.

but my boss tells me the cops ain't gonna ticket us if we park on the street by our work, because they love us. i figure, they may love us, but they may not know my car. i will still keep moving it around, i guess.

we're losing more people, and my boss is a really nice guy, i hate to see him all ag about the schedule, because he's trying really hard to help everyone out, but scheduling is a bitch. and he's getting fried.

he wanted to freak out before he left, but didn't. he's a good guy.

i think one of his favorite kids will quit if the schedule doesn't change. and that's the way it is, these kids don't need the job, necessarily. i don't need the job necessarily, so if we don't get our way, we leave. it's the only leverage we have.

but i'm hoping it will all work out. god knows i don't need any more days. 40 hours next week. yikes.

here we go. i do need a rest. like nobody's business.

but today we went to the pool and i got to lay on a rock like a lizard afterward.

i came up with a great storybook for my girl to write and illustrate. she said,

that's a great idea mom.

and i could see her light up.

don't talk about it,

i said. just do it.

and so, she asked me if she could tell her dad (i didn't make that connection until just now), she called me at work when we were banging busy, and i said,

yes. goodbye.

when asked,

can i tell dad?

just this moment did i figure out what the hell she was talking about.

ha! what a cutie.

tonight i come home to the sweetest drawing, the first for her book, no doubt.

i hope it gets picked up, it's a really good idea. and even if it doesn't, we'll self publish it. i've got too much shit to do to be worried about the marketing bullshit i'll have to research if we go with a publisher.

but i'll give it a try. if i'm lucky, it will take her some time to do it, but most likely, she'll want to do it right away. she's an artist. a good idea is all it takes.

we see the horseys tomorrow. i can't wait.

won't get off work until six, then to the barn which is about an hour away, we'll muck and feed, then home. probably won't be back home till ten pm. but, it's all good. i would do it for any friend. these friends just happen to be the big dreamy brown eyed kind.

i love those kinds of friends.

and this really is the only thing my girl and i do together that is just for us. (and them, we really do it for the horses, but we get so much out of it, our time with them, that we can't help but do this for them).

peace. out.

a pound returns

so, i haven't even had time to sleep, let alone workout this month. only three times i've made it to the gym. finally went today and only a pound of gelatinousness has returned. which makes me happy. i've not been behaving any worse, just sans working out. so i'm glad to see it didn't take me down the bad road. i get close to this particular number i've only broken once, and then head in the other direction. i'd like to break then pass that number. i think with all the belly dancing this semester that will happen. i missed my class last semester, but i'm looking forward to the old familiar routine again.

and if i can stay after class and practice, bringing along a large mirror, i will. i just don't have the space here at home, plus, i'm never alone. but i'll practice here, it's just easier to have a space that is private.

i had dreams of eagles last night. and then the large, huge crow who frequents my trees woke me. i wanted to talk to him, but i couldn't find him. i think he lifted off before i actually came to. he's nearly two feet, a huge crow. his caw is loud, as you can imagine. and when i hear him, i reply, and we go back and forth.

but if i'm in dreamland with eagles, it's hard to talk to the crow that wakes me. but i'm glad he did, i've been meaning to get to the gym.

and i keep waiting for that which i lost to return to me. to finally touch it again, to hear the ocean in a seashell, and to feel, to feel something other than pain.

i look forward to that. and there is so much to say, but i can say none of it here.

choose the right time.

i must away. pool today. then work.
i have to play some, as well as work. or i get crabby.

my calves look amazing though, very cut. hope the rest of me gets that way.

peace, out.

disempowered

so, i'm learning stuff, considering angles of belly dancing which have never crossed my mind before. where does one buy a sword? but i'm also coming to terms with long buried issues that i think have resolved themselves. i guess some would say, when it doesn't matter, they will be resolved.

but i'm glad i fought for my female prof. all ready the issues are stirring in me, and performing for men, just any random man i mean, is not where i'm at. never will be. i had considered the idea of just learning the steps of an all ready choreographed dance to just jump through that hoop. which i could conceiveably do. it would be soulless, but this is school. soul doesn't account for much from what i've seen. it's all straight lines and proper citation.

so, it is possible i could do that, save the cost it would exact from me. that would make the dance meaningless to me.

so i prepare to journey into the improvisational world of belly dancing where i'll dance to the songs i want and to the audience i choose.

if i can't get this thing videoed before, i know a poet whom i am immensely comfortable with that i could ask to watch/video me for my project. that would be putting it off to the last moment, but i could do it. i would dance at my poetry intensive, and restrict the dudes from coming. that is just how it is. i would even restrict most of the women. i don't want to be gawked at by those who have never shown me an ounce of kindness. fuck them.

i would rather just dance for those i love and who love me, and have demonstrated this love tangibly.

so i don't feel disempowered anymore. in fact, i think this semester will prove very empowering. it all ready has.

same ol' same ol'

so i'm home now. and had a good night at work. i enjoy my work. it's hard work, but it's honest work. that makes me happy. i didn't fall on my ass, that makes me happy. my boss is really a nice guy, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy.

let me just write a blog about being happy. but see, i don't know what to say. maybe because i've not spent much time doing it.

the man at the gas station stays open late, that makes me happy.

the cop on the side of the road didn't pull me over, that makes me happy.

i'm trying to change my way of seeing, my way of being.

i'm acutely aware of what i do not have, i've longed for it for so long, that i have to stop, somehow force myself to stop seeing what i'm missing and see what i have.

i have a lot. i know this. many people would love to have what i have. good friends, good family. i can write. i have a decent sense of humor.

these are all good things. and when i don't get bogged down in missing what i miss, i can be here to appreciate what is here.

change is coming. i know it. i'm ready for it. but before i go, before things change, i need to experience this, to embrace this. to be here.

and so i am trying.

i spent so much of my life wishing it away. the pain of it. i don't feel pain so much anymore, not like a year ago. yes there is a dull ache, but mostly, i'm looking forward and moving forward, and this makes me happy.

today i decided to apply for mfa programs and see what happens.

there are three i've been invited to look into, two are residency programs, one is low-residency. i don't know where i'll end up, but this is not a bad idea. being in a masters program for a year might do me some good.

might not, but it can't hurt to try. and besides, what else have i got to do?

some part of me wants to just walk away from it all, to be gone, to vanish. but i can't do that just yet, i'm not ready. perhaps someday i will, but not just yet.

i am here. and here is enough for now.

i think tomorrow morning i'll print out the applications i need and start pursuing an mfa program in earnest. why not, right? what have i got to lose?

i've got some momentum with school at the moment, i'll take advantage of that and see what happens.

peace. out.


...so i went ahead and started the balls rolling tonight, i mean, why not? and most likely, i'll end up in the matriarch's program at binghamton university. she has been telling me to apply for two years now. i can't believe it's been that long. i'm glad i can do this now, this makes me happy.

maybe there is hope yet.

goodnight kids.

work again

work begins again today, my life is no different from any other's, i do not claim that it is. but at least with my coming forty hours, my boss only gave me five days instead of more. more would have been too much for me, and he preserved my two consecutive days off. i need them. i need that expanse of time to recover.

finished off two books yesterday, and now i need to read another today. i'm hoping i can knock out some of these belly dance books. in thumbing through, i see recipes and pictures, so, how hard can they be, i mean, really?

i chose many of the books simply by their availability at my library. it's the psych texts that are the time devourers. so, i'm glad i got one out of the way this week. there is not much to say, i'm reading, working, reading, working at the farm, reading some more. that's my life at the moment.

i've got to cram working out back into my schedule, as it has been too long since i've missed it. this is the first time i've missed weeks in a row, so i guess that's good. i think my aches and pains in my body are the result of not being worked out. what can i say. i have ground to make up.

but it is well. it is very well.

i'm not overwrought busy, just getting on with my life busy, and that is a good thing.

peace. out.

beautiful indoors

my heart dropped when i didn't see bucky in what has become his "usual" paddock. three other horses i knew were there and i stopped dead in my tracks and turned to my girl,

they moved him.

he's in his stall,

she replied.

oh,

a rush of relief swept over me. i didn't want to search for him, mostly because he was nowhere to be seen and i don't have energy to spare.

so when my girl gets into the indoor arena, dustbowl that it is, i end up hosing the place down while she rides around, nicole moving jumps and generally doing her thing. then another instructor enters with her student and horse, and so i'm watering around two horses. by the end of the hour a third had entered the ring, and i'm just trying to get the job done. but godzilla showed up, and saw me watering the ring, which her staff should do, but they don't. i don't mind so much, except that i am tired, and don't need to be doing that. especially since it wasn't zone out time, it was, watch out for the horses and don't pull the hose taut so you don't create a hazard.

lots to think about. plus, i have reading to do, but then again, where else would i rather be. come to think of it, there were four horses in the arena before we left. we had to exit between the cantering circles of one rider. it was kind of nuts.

i find the time, even the labor involved with horses more rejuvenating than exhausting. i can't say that about all labor. sometimes labor is just that, labor.

but i have a better understanding of all that is invovled in horseownership, so when it comes time, i will hopefully be ready. i can't see a future of mine without horses, that's how it goes.

i'm definately writing again. today even wrote something that others might dub "happy" go figure. whoda thunk it?

but my up is down life has brought me here and i'm grateful. for everything i'm losing, everything i'm gaining, everything, everything. i'm grateful.

peace.

there you are

so, i looked everywhere, right? in the light of day i could not find it. i searched and searched, and finally, when i'd given up and gone to bed, there it was. where i had looked for it before, in my bed. i found it. i kissed it. i will wear it today.

i'm trying to blaze through books and i have a big essay to write, not a major one, just an unexpected one. a process essay on where i've been since starting this bachelor's program. part of me wants to be very honest, but my brand of honesty does not go so well in academia. unless i've got the right professor, which i think i have. so maybe it will. i don't know. it's a big risk to take and i'm not sure how much i'll say. she may think i'm crazy. who knows. but these are the facts of my life, as curious as they may seem, they are, what they are.

and so we go to the farm today, and i'm grateful. there is a chill in the air this morning and i can't wait to see them, my dearest friends, those who seem to know me and accept me fully. i feel i arrive at the farm in bits and pieces, and they help put me back together, week after week. their simple, unassuming presence draws me to the present and keeps me there. for that, i'm grateful.

i've written two poems in the past few days, i hadn't written anything for awhile. it's been a long silence for me. but i could not make myself bleed out words when there were none left. just like last night, a few tears fell where i thought the well had completely run dry.

i have no greater understanding today, than yesterday, though my poems help me see where i'm headed, where i've been. and today, the rule will be kindness. i prepare myself for this backward glancing essay and try to just let it happen. that is how my best writing occurs, it just does. i don't belabor it, i just do it. and sometimes, it works out.

i look forward to the other precious thing lost to me returning, i trust that which is mine will come to me and so it shall.

perhaps on a day like today, when i'm seated in a field. perhaps when i'm wiping a counter at work, perhaps when i'm in my chair at the library. i still go there on occassion, i went there last night. but i try not to jinx it by wishing. but i do watch and try to remember what it was i believed in once.

once.

tear the place apart

there are very few things i will tear the house apart for. one of them is missing this morning. to others it is just a hair thing. a stick my brother in law whittled for me, and a piece of leather that holds my hair.

but those are priceless to me. i awoke to the realization they are gone. there is usually an explanation for their absence, i've tucked them here or there for some journey i was to take. but i always manage to dredge them up after just a bit of looking. though once, when i needed them most, i had to abandon the search entirely. they were not to be found.

i had tucked them into my computer bag for some trip somewhere. and since i am not the most rapid or thorough unpacker (cali luggage still sits beside me packed), i sometimes have to retrieve things from there. but that is not the case with this. i have had it and used it here at home since my return. i saw it just the other day.

there is a place i can look, but i have to go down to the car. and i'm still a bit tired. but tired never held me up for long. so today will progress, and i will try to keep pace with it. to find compassion for my body and mind. but at the same time to read as much as possible.

i'm reading about poets and creative processes right now. it's horribly interesting but i'm reading more psychological texts and those, with their dry style, don't go down with the ease of a poetry book. i have to attend to them.

but first, i must dedicate some time to finding what was lost to me.

i hate to lose something.

as maya would say.

but i've lost so much, and finding this would be a small comfort.

sleep is good, very, very good.

and i've only had about ten hours of it in the past forty-eight. not good. i'm nearly delirious, but i'm so tired i may not be able to sleep.

yesterday, whalewatching was wonderful. we saw eight humpback whales. one was a calf, breachign or beaching or however the hell you say that. all kinds of parts of me are going numb at the minute from my overexhaustion, which isn't good.

but junior, as the naturalist kept calling him, was flying out of the water (only about half of him, that's still a pretty big splash though, and he'd swim on his back waving both flippers in the air, huge flippers they are. then he'd swim on his side and wave a flipper, then slap it in the air. he was just playing and playing and playing. we watched him for about an hour, the other seven humpbacks were adults caught up in the feed. and our captain stayed by four diving humpbacks, junior among them, and just waited to see where they'd come up.

and they came up right beside the boat. giant bubble clouds could be seen under the water, then they rose, huge mouths gaping. one even stuck it's eyes out of the water, a half breech i think it's called. to see us.

very, very cool.

as soon as it was over, i was just enjoying the boatride and my girl said,

i'm bored.

i wanted to spit. these kids. i swear.

at that point, i couldn't even stay awake for the life of me, so i got a bad case of the nods and would wake up only when i slammed my head back up and into the captain's cabin.

my daughter thought it was quite hilarious, but i'd wake up pretty fitful because it's hard to be in public, so exhausted you can't keep your eyes open, and you just hope your kid will be right where you left her. unnerving. the benefit of having more than one pair of eyes.

but i'm tired, must rest.

will likely wake up sometime tomorrow to feed then sleep again. this will hopefully continue for the next two days. i can't remember when i needed to sleep so bad.

floor drain 2, suz 0

i slipped and fell at work tonight. i was moving at such an awesome pace, it irked me that i had to stop and nurse my knee. i landed right on it after my foot slipped into an uncovered floor drain. we uncover them to clean them out, and i hadn't washed them and put the cover back on yet, because i was mopping, that happens first. the drain is just in a dumb, dangerous place though, how they can't see the liability issues there, i don't know.

but down she went, like the titanic, my two braids flying up in the air as i landed full force on my right knee.

knees weren't made to be brake pedals, and i've got about a half inch swollen bump on there. i called my soon to be ex husband and asked him what to do, he said,

ice it and take ibuprofen.

the ibuprofen in the first aid kit was all expired, so that didn't happen right away, it was about an hour before i could take my lunch and walk across the street to the pharmacy.

they told me to sit down and ice it, but i didn't have time. so i went to get my dinner, walked to the pharmacy, made it back for about twenty minutes when i placed a cup of ice on my knee, balanced it there, because we didn't really have anything to make an ice pack out of.

the left side of my back aches slightly, but i think it's just from me trying to fly. at least i wasn't holding the mop at the time, or didn't hit my head on the stainless countertops, which were everywhere.

all told, i came out relatively unscathed. except for my pride. but, since i don't have much pride, it wasn't too much of an issue.

i'm working with a girl who is college age, and when i would say up, she'd say down. when i'd ask her to do something, she would essentially refuse. that's how i ended up mopping and falling. yay!

i'm not sure what to make of it, because i'm trying not to be a hardass. but, the fact of the matter is, things need to get done. things didn't get done in a timely manner tonight because when i'd ask her to do things, she'd say,

lets wait until later.

and just not do them.

grrrr.

so, i'm home, later than usual, because the kids think everything magically happens when they just stand around. and i can't do it all, so we ended up getting out of there late. and that is frustrating because, if all three of us (and usually there are two), are actually working, we could have gotten out of there early.

but it was not meant to be.

and so, i should probably ice my knee again, but i'll just go to bed. i'm tired. tomorrow is another day. and i'm off. i'm glad i'm off. i need to be off.

i need to be selfish and guard my days off as the precious commodity they are.

jobs will suck your life away if you let them.

and just a note for all you dudes out there who want to impress the ladies. tip big, and watch the clock. by that i mean, if some service person walks up and says,

we're closing now,

and you give them ojos, this does not make you look good.

know when a place closes, or ask, and get the hell out. don't wait to be asked to leave, it's tasteless. shows disregard.

i had to ask this couple to leave tonight, and i swear the dude seemed irked. i can't tell you how irritating it is to have to close a place, i mean at least an hour's worth of work, and have two hangers about that make it so you have to wait till the last second to begin.

gggrrr. nothing classy about that dude. we had the worst trouble with that at my retail store. women would rush in five or ten minutes before we close and want to try shit on. tearing up the store before we had to clean up for the night.

that is just plain rude.

get the hell out if there is only ten minutes left, or at least, don't make a mess, then get the hell out.

peace.

equitation

the class my girl blue ribboned in was walk trot equitation. here are some pictures, finally:


that is nicole with my girl on barnaby, and another little friend on bitty:






my girl took the pink ribbon in walk trot pleasure; and the red ribbon in walk trot hunter



(bitty got the blue ribbon in walk trot hunter and the yellow in walk trot pleasure, also, a red in ground poles. also, a red in walk trot equitation. nicole's students ruled the day. bitty's quite the little pony)

long awaited

the whale watch is saturday.

that i close the night before (putting me home, at 1am for a departure by 6am), and open the day after (putting me back home at 1am, and i leave for work at 5am), is just the way it is. i think, because i'm the last one who asked for that day (i was hired with that day on my list, so there was no way i'd back down from that day though my manager tried), just means i'll have to sleep on the bus on the way there and back. fun kids.

but it's a charter bus, so hopefully it will be a tad more comfortable than the plane. though it may be practically the same. i've got to get my issues worked out with my alarm clock, though. when i set it last week, i forgot to turn it on. fortunately, i wake up before the alarm on a regular basis.

so much for a backup.

a chill has returned in the morning and evening. and i'm sure it will be cold on the sea. i'm packing dramamine, and hopefully all will be well. i really don't know. but i don't want to see the whales passing by as i'm hanging over the rail. that would be bad.

we'll be leaving from massachusets, which is a fact that will conspire to keep me awake en route. i've never seen new england, so it is my big chance. but i think when we have times like these, times we've been waiting for, times we've been living for, the sleep issues work themselves out.

i was glad i go to see the horses yesterday because they calm and center me. i got to work and i was in slow mo. which is not such a good thing. i get more accomplished when i'm racing around, and we got out of there late. but only my second time for that. the kids i'm working with weren't too pressed to accomplish stuff either. and fortunately i found out i was closing with the other that was there last night, so i told her, whatever shortcuts we take tonight, we have to make sure and catch tomorrow. my shortcuts are not washing a plexicube--nothing having to do with sanitation that affects product. just aesthetics.

and not even aesthetics customers see, but just what we see.

and this is why i take the shortcut now and again.

but today, we swim. i wanted to work out, but time is rolling on and i'm just not wanting to chase it down. the swim will be enough. i imagine the water will be freezing cold (which is wild, all summer, except the hottest days the water has been incredibly cool). i think it has to do with being near the mountains. that nighttime chill sets in.

but fall is fast approaching, and i'm grateful for it. i could use a turn in the weather about now. i miss the cold. it is my favorite time of year, i think. hearing the horses hooves crunch on the snow. the shelter the barn becomes.

i need to find a ranch somewhere, to live. to learn. to create. but i'm not sure where yet.

peace.

hand wringer

after spending too much time analyzing nothing, i finally had the long awaited two hour meeting with my boss today.

at one point he glazed me with saliva, and i said,

say it don't spray it.

and he laughed.

sorry,

he said,

i was embarrassed about that.

and then kept doing it.

but it was funny. he's a goofball. overenthusiastic. and i realized today, these people i work with love this job and company waaaaaay more than i do. they are always there. it's freaky. i never go to work on my days off. i don't want to be called. if everyone there pretended i didn't exist, that would be perfect for me.

but these people work on their days off. i guess you'd call them dedicated.

i guess you'd call me, undedicated.

i'm just not dedicated to that.

and, i was advised, quite accurately by my businessminded best friend to keep my trap shut during this meeting and just listen (she knows me).

and it went well. he didn't beat me down like i kind of expected. i think it was more the idea of meeting and my perceived failures--of which there are many.

i can recite a list of everything i missed tonight at work. what i did wrong, what i should do better. and when i blow it, i make sure and check and recheck that thing the next few times.

so, it's getting better, but there is still a long way to go. but i don't want work to consume me. though i spent a lot of greenage on vaca and need to pay it back. :D

what can i say, i was on vaca.

i'm off to bed. i think i've become enamoured of chestnut horses, the way the glow coppery in the sun. I LOVE IT! i never really thought them anything special, but that copper color is amazing. and today, my girl started cantering.

she was pleased. and her instructor was pleased. i was grateful to be with my friends. and they didn't mind their sweet spots being scratched.

we've worked out a lot of kinks. nicole is still trying to relocate her operation, but i'm not sure what will happen. we'll find out, i guess.

and the hawk he sat on the offramp sign. so close i could almost touch him. almost. same story, different day.

peace. out.

in some ways

my daughter said this to me last night and i was deeply pleased by it.

in some ways, you're a very good mother.

and i told her,

i'm glad you can see my good and bad points. because everyone has them.

she didn't elaborate, and i didn't ask her too. i just wished i could get the same kind of honesty, same kind of candor from most of the adults in my life.

i don't need props. i don't need anything other than the truth. even when it's hard, the truth is still more of a comfort than delusion.

i thought about that a lot last night, as i repeated,

in some ways.

and it was a peculiar comfort. and then, drifted off to sleep.

everyone in general

i told my friend tonight,

i'm not angry with her. or anyone specifically, i'm just angry with everyone in general.

and i go between these two states, of being at peace with the world, naive that way, i guess. and wanting to be a meanie, but i just can't bring myself to it. shucks. but maybe that is for the best.

so i come home and try to just be good to my people, which i fail at on a regular basis, try to cut myself some slack, which i also, fail at regularly. and so i am left with what is.

i can't exactly quantify it, but give me some time and it may congeal into a poem.

the excavator brought his chick in tonight. and she was vibing me out again. i was way busy, so i placed her cup down firmly, which may or may not have been interpreted as me being a bitch.

and i've come to the conclusion that i may just be a bitch. at least i know this, i'm a difficult woman. thorny as the day is long.

very few can handle me and the truth is, i don't want to be handled. i want to be met kind for kind, mano y mano, hold your ground and i'll hold mine.

but i don't know. time to pop some bendadryl and start reading. two hour meeting with the boss tomorrow and a shift i volunteered for like an idiot.

tonight as he was taking over from me, he said,

see how things happen and you don't get everything done before you leave?

i said to him,

but i didn't leave the sink full of dishes and the garbage overflowing in the backroom. and, i didn't get a lunch.

he then tells me i should have taken it earlier, i should have told him, i should have done a lot of things differently, i guess.

but i'm still learning. and since last night i worked through my lunch instead of actually lunching, i decided to wait for a proper lunch today. it never came. people showed up who were not on the schedule and i was told i should have taken the lunch at 3pmish. he is probably right, i am probably wrong.

but, it was a failure of foresight on my part. what can i say?

i'm tired. long day ahead tomorrow, but at least, and the very fucking least, it involves horses.

and so, i will make it.

pollyanna is very sick, and it sucks because she's the other closer. and i am going to get saddled with a lot of closing now. i don't know. i just don't know.

i guess i need this job. i'm still trying to decide on that one. i like the company. the pay is decent. not really, but it will serve. and, perhaps i can transfer after six months. perhaps i can move to my little dive in the country. perhaps i can do a lot of things i couldn't before.

i gots bills to pay and no time to be out job hunting.

peace.out.

approved

my final semester study plan has been approved by the faculty of my school. while my advisor advised me against mentioning horses, i mentioned them anyway. while she stated some members of faculty were dubious about the organic nature of my study, i am not dissuaded in the least. i'm a mystic. it's as simple as that. it's time i stop being ashamed of it, and just say it.

so that is what i did. i used the academic language (though i noticed i left off quotation marks--my bad), and stated my case as simply as i can. when one is speaking of psyche and empowering women via dance and poetry, it's a longshot anyway. but who are they to deny me?

my professor trusts me and that's all that matters. that is why i chose her. rather than argue about what i'm going to do when, i needed to just have free reign. and so i have it. the core of my work begins.

i'm missing a belly dance class tonight, not the one with my favorite instructor, but the one i go to with my other friend. i'm not terribly sad to miss this class, it was very frustrating for me last time, save the veil work, but that was the last five or ten minutes of class.

so tonight, after work, i'll go to my library and sit in with my local poet friends. i'm supposed to host this affair, but they are gracious and will have to just deal with then i can show up. they never have complained about it, and i'm glad. there just ain't enough of me to go around.

and i woke up, bright and early today, which isn't a bad thing. just not what i wanted to do. i better get to some reading, i now have to cram my semester into the cracks of my life.

busy busy busy.

but it's almost over. come december 19, i will have my bachelor's and be done with my belly dance class. then i'll have just work for a while (which will make my boss happy).

the holiday season is a beast in retail, and in food service, i'm told.

whew!

spoiled rotten

i remember when you told me,

yes, you are spoiled.

and i got bummed, then you added,

it's not necessarily a bad thing.

and i got happy.

but today my boss said i'm spoiled. and, well, i am.

i don't mean to be all seeming privileged. and i do work very, very hard. so what breaks i get, come to me in some form of spoiling, i guess.

but i'm tired now and just took on two shifts monday and tuesday, but i get thursday off. i'll be dragging by then. so i invited my dear friend to swim with me and my girl.

i was going to sleep as late as possible tomorrow, but we're all scrambling to cover a shift who has taken ill. i'm helping out my boss. and the monday shift came to me because our newest shift looked worse than i do on my bad days, and she said,

i just need a break.

and so, i'm giving her a break. at the expense of mine, but this is the price we pay to be a team. and i'm losing a closing in the process, so that is good for me. closing is a lot of work.

i just hope when i need it, someone, anyone will be there to catch me when i fall.

i'm missing the little piddly shit now though. no longer making the major mistakes at work, just the fine tuning. which makes me happy. i work too hard to be missing the big shit at this point.

and, no one is perfect, so the little shit is going to happen.

i just can't wait until i'm not the newbie and they stop pestering me about the little shit. it gets old.

my boss says you all the time. i need to ask him to stop. because it is very easy to take things personally when someone is youing me.

you broke this, you did that, you missed this, you missed that.

when it wasn't necessarily, or specifically me, it may have been my crew (the kid i asked to clean his own espresso machine dishes clogged the sink drain with grounds and whole beans. my boss told me,

you clogged the sink ...)

and i knew it was the kid, but it was on my watch, i take the hit. no blaming. i'm the shift. it's my fault the drain got clogged. though i swear, so many of these kids (all of them taller than me, and kids is a strange descriptive), have been there twice as long as i have.

but i'm tired, it's way late. and now, i've got to get my ass out the door by 11am. that's early to me. because i like to work out on monday and do laundry. guess all that is going to have to wait.

but we had a good time tonight. no tension. no hassles. the kids i was with work hard and well. there is a lot to do. i don't like giving them shit for nothing. i try to keep it positive, and say,

good job

a lot.

i like to be told when i've done a good job. it can't hurt, right?

and tonight a customer, the musician who may laydown my poetry trax, said

you look too young to have an 11 year old.

good genes,

he said.

black don't crack.

i said, and he laughed.

i took it as a compliment. it's good to be getting younger as i age. something's going right for me. but i got the aches and pains like nobody's business. i try specifically to do squats, and sometimes, oh mama. at work, no, bad idea. those are the times i feel older. like there is some age difference i must remember. but mostly, there isn't. and i'm grateful for that.

i saw a fat little possum (or big perhaps, who knows?) crossing the road tonight. i watched him, they really are foul looking creatures.

run, little possum, run,

i cheer him on as he darts up the curb and toward the police station (yes, another one. i can't seem to get away from them. but these cops are cool. they called me and said,

is this your car, we're going to enforce such and such, and we don't want to give you guys tickets, we love you guys.

which was nice. and since i bag on the cops a lot. not so much bag on them as fear them, it's nice to once again have some good relations with them.)

oh, and my excavator customer with the looks could kill girlfriend came in tonight. i apologized if i got him in trouble.

i never do that,

i said.

and she didn't look happy.

i added.

she's not like that,

he said.

don't think of her that way.

and i thought. shows how little men know.

women can tell. whatever, not like it matters to me. he really just doesn't know what he's getting. but then again, do any of us ever really know? i mean, even after we got it. probably not. i think, mostly, we're blind. and we like it that way.

peace.
out.

it's late.

i'm tired. but not sleepy.

driving home, i'm quite content with the state of things. though i know how i could be more content (if that were possible). isn't the measure of contentment that one cannot be more contented. or are we always a smidge away from the true contentment that we idealize? that's it, isn't it? idealizing someone or something. maybe i mean idolizing, the two aren't very far apart in my mind. and i speak too honestly when i'm late. i should just can it and go to bed.

but the hour will get the best of me.

and then the darkness will take me into his arms, and i will find sleep there.

after i open my window to hear the train and the crickets, to be wakened by the birds and the skittering squirrels, all abed in their lush tails now.

my squirrel who used to wait in dogwood (when i frequented dogwood), now waits on porch. little squirrel all sprawled out on the porchrail, belly down, arms crossed. prostrate. i love to see him there, and i wonder if it is him. how can you tell? but for his pose. i don't see many squirrels sprawled out on tree branches or porch rails, or rain gutters for that matter.

i, among women, am truly blessed.

i've got some weird wildlife surrounding me, and i love it.

crossed paths with a possom a couple times, in the dark of morning. not the most attractive of creatures, but i'm sure they provide some purpose. maybe their just being is purpose enough. i don't know. but an argument could be made in favor of that.

the weird places my mind goes when it's tired.

it's like a little chestnut pony that wants to do anything other than follow her lead.

but i'm tired now, wisdom mandates i surrender to shadow.
that i lie abed for as long as possible.

work comes again, too soon.

i hope i got everything tonight.

i left the music too loud though. that's for sure.

ah well.

peace. out.

ribbons and bows

the more time i spend around horses, the more time i want to spend around horses. something about their presence, draws me to the now. even when i don't want to be there, even when i'm lost in worlds of my own. i have to be there. i have to reconnect with the linearness of time and space. to be still at the farm, in the paddock, before the horse.

i have missed them, it's been a long time, and my girl got to spend a week with her favorite (or one of her favorite horses), before this show and i think that was good for her.

she was poised, focused, and proud.

they even pronounced our name right. can't beat that.

the whole point was not winning, nor even where she landed in the line up. the point was, aiming for a goal and doing your best.

she did, she was strong and beautiful. a sight to behold.

and i will have pictures in the near future, i even took a few myself. i couldn't let this pass by. it was better than christmas or some shmaltzy holiday. it was something we worked up to. something she earned by her desire to pursue her bliss.

and i got to be a part of it, however small.

now before i rush off to work, i thought i'd tell you.

in her first class, at her first show, she won the blue ribbon.

though that wasn't the point. i'm grateful she did.

due to some newbieness, she placed fifth for the pink riboon in her second class. then finished off with the second place red ribbon in her third class. (or is it accurately called a division?).

i don't know. i have so much to learn.

but i smell like a barn, and i have to go to work. so i must to the showers with me. and then, i must away.

and the hawk was regal and with me today, as all days.

peace. out.

'twas the night before

the riding show, and all through the house, little girls were beaming and feeling butterflies in their tummies.

my daughter looks beautiful. she is beautiful, but she's radiant tonight.

we've worked so hard to get here. so much has happened this week, she's lived a lifetime in this short timespan from sunday. she's shed many tears, lost a lot of childhood. i don't know how that happens exactly, but when you find out your life will be irrevocably changed by the two key people in your life taking separate roads, it's bound to blow whatever remants of childhood are left out the window.

but when i called her last night to say good night (it was early, but i didn't get off work until 11pm, and i can't exactly call my friend's house at that hour), i could hear her laughing and splashing in the pool with her new bffl.

and i was grateful.

for all the trials of this week, i have this strange, uncanny feeling that it will all work out well. the truth has never failed me yet. things don't often get easier when truth bangs down the doors of denial, but they often take heavy loads i've been lugging around off my shoulders, and so it has.

and so it has.

driving to work yesterday, feeling a bit lost because i didn't have a child to chase down or tend to before leaving, i left early for work. way early, but figured, no worries, i can catch up with the kids when i get there. good thing i left early because my main cross over road was closed. i didn't know what to do. after a few unsuccessful attempts (my internal navigation is the bomb, but new jersey roads SUCK!), i found a postman who gave me awesome directions. delivering me to work in a timely fashion.

i found that route again tonight when i went in, and as i left, at 10pm, the alternate road was closed.

i was in utter disbelief, so i went around the sign. how could they tear apart the road in just the few hours i'd been at work? incredulous, i drove until i could drive no more, then turned around.

i went back the old way, and it was open.

it must be a metaphor for life,

i told my sister.

she laughed. but i wonder.

i'm tired. my back slightly aching. but my heart is lighter than it has been for aeons. and i'm ready to move forward. to find my way in the dark.

and, i'm grateful.

no, i can't.

there are so many things clamoring for my attention. some of them valid, some of them necessary, many of them essential.

i watched my sister wear herself to a nub meeting her family's needs. she's an amazing mom. but i can only do what i can do.

i keep telling my acquaintances, i'm just too busy, and saying no. i know there are things i need to tend to, but i just can't get to them. they have to wait.

i was up until 1am after i finished my schoolwork last night, and while it's just paperwork, it is critical to the forward movement of my study, that i get it done. it was actually due today, but i like to get things off my plate ASAP.

just that i feel terrible not being everything to everyone who needs something, and they're not asking me to be everything, just one thing, just the thing they need. trouble is. if i don't say no now, i won't be able to do the things that are essential to my life.

they say if you tackle the big things first, the little things find a way to slip in around the edges and i'm not opposed to that idea.

it's just that the big things take everything i got. i only worked out once this week because i forced myself to. and to me, excercise is one of those must do things. but some weeks, like this one, i let myself off the hook to make time for say, laundry. i may squeeze in the gym in about a half hour, but that still brings me up to only two workouts.

we do the best we can.

and saying no is getting easier.

if people can figure it out, fine. if they give up on me, so be it. but i can't stop tending to my essentials to take care of their non-essentials. the way i see it is, if something is essential you make it happen, no matter what. if it is not, you don't. i can't make something essential, though the burden keeps falling back in my lap, i try to just keep moving forward and not pick up anyone else's baggage along the way.

peace. out.

easy now

it's late. i'm tired, but first i must say goodnight, then hit the hay.

part of me is sad i won't have to live crammed with my little girl in a tiny shack in the country. who knows. but it would have been nice to be around the horses more. someday. someday.

my school deadlines are keeping me hopping, that and i've finally returned to work and it took me a while to get in the groove. i was improving with the drinks and throwing chips in things that don't require chips, writing down drinks people didn't order, just generally being a goofball. but when i walked in my boss said,

i missed you.

and that made me smile.

he's a really nice guy. considerate, gracious. and when he's talking to you and sitting at his desk, he makes this little mountain out of his fingertips, and it feels like i'm at the conference table in the spy who shagged me. and i wonder if he's got a button that will send me down a chute.

you look so managerial,

i said.

yes!

and he gets this little boy grin, which is downright endearing.

the place looks amazing, and it's nice to work with people who want the joint to succeed.

i've been back to my previous place of employ and it's grim kids. the managers are giving my old manager a hard time. she's probably going to end up quitting. and the haitian lady i worked with, may or may not come to work with me at my current place.

but we have hired a couple new people and it looks good.

i'm grateful things will be the same around the homefront for a while, we came to an agreement in the interest of the child. so i don't have to rush out and find some shack in a field to rent (though, the place is the bomb, not the place, but the grounds). i don't have to change jobs, yet, and that pleases me.

but i'm tired now and must to bed.

lots to do. so much to do, there is hardly time.

and my baby is sleeping over her friend's house and i miss her.
the place is lonesome when she's gone.

i guess that is the gift of children, they bring life to a home.

peace. out.

perfect little dive

i found the perfect little dive today. a small (i mean, miniscule) guest house on a plot of land in the country. barely enough room to bend over and put on your shoes. but the grounds, my god they are to die for. i could just imagine all the time i'd spend being. just being there. and it's around the corner from the stables. i could do that.

but things in my life when they go down, invariably they go up, so the trend continuese. and i may not need to relocate just yet.

we'll see.

long time coming

so, he bumbled into my path, what can i say.

and now, it's over. i'm glad to be done.

time to find a place to live.

peace. out.

el furioso

if i was a wrestler today, that would be my name. i'd have a black mask with flames coming out of my eyes and mouth. and spikes coming out of my gloved knuckles.

if i were a rank bull, i'd be named whiplash. because that is what i would give anyone who came near me today.

but i'm just a girl. and only a couple friends could brave coming close to me, and they had to endure my screams of agony. and so they did.

soothing me with attentive silence, there were no words of wisdom, no remedies, no elixirs to pour down my throat and help me through. just silence. the fewer the words the better.

and i have so many things i have to process, so much to think about. as i'm railing to my friend on the phone, i look over at a horse in the outdoor arena doing some dressage and it all just clicks into place.

i understand as i've never understood. and while this will be fuel for my creative processes and the work of school i must force out of my head and onto the page, it does not clarify the murkiness of my life.

and the hawk flew and perched in bucky's paddock. bucky, a mid summer thin and bleached, i tried to count his ribs, but they look a little deeper set today than last time, it's been a couple weeks.

and finally, he came over to me and said hello.

but i was largely inconsolable. even for one who has free reign in my life.

i cannot explain my losses. i cannot articulate my heartache. i can only say, it is a dark day and be glad you are not near me.

wounded dogs bite. remember that.

YES!

wasn't sure i would get the prof i wanted for this last hurrah at my school. but i stressed how freeing it would be for me to have a person with breasts. (that's what it boils down to kids), and so, the school was compassionate and my will prevailed (which, let's be honest, at the end of the day is all that really matters).

now the big time planning of my semester begins.

fortunately, i had a whole day to blow while my college sorted through the piles of lists of students requesting which profs.

anyway, we had nothing to do for school, but i had to race around new york looking for equestrian clothes for the show saturday. sigh. then, i had to find a tailor, and i won't get into it all because it's not worth it, but basically, my girl will be suited up properly on saturday and i finally checked my schedule (hadn't seen it since i wrote it down before my vacay), and i get to go to her show.

we have to spend the morning mucking stalls and preparing, the work of horses, i'm coming to understand, never ceases. neither do we, apparently.

so first to the stables, then to the show. and hopefully, she will do fabulously. and ride before i have to leave to get ready for work (though i'll likely just take my clothes with me and change en route--i've done it before kids, it ain't pretty but it is sometimes necessary).

anywhoo. i'm hugely relieved. i haven't had a minute to do anything other than this, but i forced myself to go back to the gym and gladly, i only gained two pounds on my vacay. i thought, for sure, it would be more.

but 'twern't.

peace. out.

a bed of clouds

today my new york friend, whose daughter missed mine so much she decided to go to a week of horse camp to be with her bbfl, took me to eat and then shuttled me to her house where i was nicely established in her guest bedroom.

after taking a red eye home, and then trains, we raced to our house on foot with only enough time for my kiddo to shower, for me to check in with school, and do requisite paperwork (very quickly), then race off to see our friends, the horses.

we arrived a little early, which was just fine with us, and after scratching and kissing and generally getting reacquainted with each other, we found our new york friends having just arrived. my daughter chased a gaggle of geese through an open field in front of the outdoor arena and i called my dear friend,

turn around, do you see the geese?

yes.

we are there too.

and she waved and we waved. and all that led to my being comfortably installed in her guest bedroom because she ascertained that after sleeping in a near upright position on the flight home, i needed real rest in an actual bed, and i couldn't argue. i was just too tired.

i woke at 2:47 and looked at my clock and she came into the room shortly thereafter. she laid at the foot of the bed and we talked for a while. i was grateful to be home again. to be back in the arms of friends and familiar faces (most of those equine, but familiar none the less). bucky looked stunning from afar, but he always does, and i didn't go to him today, it will have to wait.

so after my approximately three hour nap, we went to retrieve the girls and set off on our separate ways for about an hour. i took my girl to the tack shop to try to secure the items for this weekend's horse show (and struck out competely), while she went home and probably fixed a fabulous meal for her family from scratch. she's one of those fabulous cooks i tend to hook up with.

i returned home with just enough time, not really, to check in with school and verify that the profs i listed as potential advisors actually agreed to that, and then into the shower and back to my friend's to attend a belly dancing class.

the class left me wanting in many ways. but since my friend dances as i do, i explained my issues and she clarified my dilemma.

my instructor says a belly dance step is the width of a foot, not a shoulder width stride like they were taking tonight.

your instructor is traditional egyptian. this is more of a latin fusion style.

ah!

so i learned a great deal. and showed off a mandarin and forest belly dance shirt and hipwrap my college friend bequeathed to me out of the goodness of her heart. i didn't have high expectations for that orange belly dance get up being sent my way, but what i recieved far surpassed any thoughts i'd mustered.

the instructor and my friend were oohing and aahing over the intricate (and heavy) beadwork which adorned both pieces.

is it egyptian?

it must be,

they agreed.

and i slipped out of my shirt and into the top, which fit me like a glove, and they were oohing and ahhing. the hipwrap needs some closures, but it is a striking piece. with my black hair and the black skirt i'll likely wear under the wrap, it is gorgeous.

we danced, and i did my best to follow. the class was scattered and disorganized. i'm used to fifteen minutes of hipdrops per leg, and what i got was two or three of one thing, then five of another, and two of a third, punctuated with everyone talking and then the instructor put on music and they were off.

i was so lost, i just stopped dancing at one point, because it was a routine. and i said,

can you just show me the first five moves?

oh yes,

she said.

i do that.

and they all agreed she's very good at breaking things down, but it was still hard to follow the way she teaches, i'm just not used to it.

i contemplated walking out and just standing in the yard (sometimes stars are our salvation, or at least mine), but i hung in there, and tried to get the steps down.

then they broke out the veils.

after much discussion of why mine was "wrong" or at least too big for me, another was produced, and i didn't feel like arguing. i kept going back and forth between the two, and i learned a veil move i had admired from the first time i saw these ladies dance.

that was what i was there for. those were the goods i paid to recieve.

and recieve them i did. i excelled at the veil work, and it felt like it salvaged my night because i would happily do a veil dance for my study rather than a straight dance.

but i'm tired now, i sat in my friend's car while she sampled all kinds of music for me and at 9:14, i finally said,

i'm so tired i have to go home.

so an hour later, here i am, still not in bed yet, but not far.

my days seem endless but it is good to be home, if, for nothing more than my friends. how i love them. how i love them.

belly

so it's decided, and while one stoneworker is going to do five stoneworks for her culminating study, i'm inclined to do five dances. but maybe just a couple, and some other works. i had so much i wanted to accomplish this semester but it really is truncated, especially since i'm culminating, and i have to respect the limited time available.

my explorations will be resultant of the dance i'll be developing over the course of the semester. the feminine aspect, something i've been working my way toward exploring for a great while. time to just put my head down and work hard.

my girl informs me they are going to make a home for all the homeless roly polys in the yard. which makes me smile. kids should be about dealing with the profound housing issues of the roly poly.

so now, half asleep (i have decided i don't like being waken up for any reason. there is no good reason to wake a person up, particularly if that person is me), i have to fumble through the day and make the best of it.

feverish

there are these moments i want to sit like the feverish baby in my lap, sinking back into the arms that hold her. whichever way she rocks, i counterbalance and keep her planted. when she throws herself so far off center as to fall (not from my lap, but just in her general meanderings), i am there to reach out and smile, to kiss the cheeks wet with tears, and comfort the little one who has fallen on hard times.

or a hard moment. these babies move so fast from crying to laughing, i wonder at the sight of it all.

the little one i felt most connected to last time has mastered the pout, she pooches out her little top lip and announces her displeasure with a great downcast look. and the one responsible for the sadness, the drama, can only laugh and repent.

i'm sorry baby,

for whatever it is.

today, she had her little fingers looped through one of my earrings, and wanted to pull her hand free. i grabbed her chubby little arm and weaved her fingers out, to her great displeasure, and she bellowed at me a bit.

but i could not let her rip my earlobe, and she did not want to. she just didn't know any better.

how many earlobes have i ripped unwittingly.

and they crawl away now, to the kitchen where their momma washes dishes and makes things right.

we're both so wasted tired, we don't know how we'll manage one more day, but we will. a feverish baby doesn't help, because all she wants is holding, but since i am here to be all arms, and smiles and kisses, i don't mind the slower pace.

i'm tired though. hoping i get the prof i'm most comfortable with, the one who just today said she is glad i can see the difference between what i want to do and what i need to do for my final study.

i've decided to scrap my plans for another semester, and let the belly dance take me where it will. i had a vision some time back, during this past too short break, of my next collection of poetry, and it was themed around the dance. and all the explorations there.

i have just ordered a delicate pink pair of harem pants, and we'll see how it goes.

it can't rain always, or so i've been told.

i'm looking forward to the wonders this semester will reveal.

peace. out.

speak again

i like to get wet at the beach. i can't just sit there all dry and warm. i have to go in and up until today, it hasn't been such a rough and tumble experience. the waves at north beach were really strong.

they lured you farther out, and when you followed, the smack down.

so, i go out to find the break between the waves, which is when i usually dive down and get wet, then exeunt, before the smashage.

no such luck.

i came up, heart quivering after having been smacked but good by the very wave i thought would gentle me.

it didn't. then i return back to the towel and umbrella fortress we'd constructed for the babies, and baby love passed out on me. it was very sweet. she who does not nap abroad, napped on this broad. :D

and i'm ready for that which is mine to come to me.

my sister is subjecting me to some nashville show, yikes. i can't say i am enjoying it (i'm not, it sucks). but, given some time and the right environ, i could manage to muster some interest. maybe. maybe not. i can be unpredictable.

i do have to say that john rich guy talked real big about chosing the right person for goin' country, but then wimped out and chose iglesias. sigh. old news, i know. but it's all coming back to me because he's on the tube and my sis and i agree, he looks better in a cowboy hat than a baseball cap. (kind of country ghetto)

anyway, i must away.

to dream, perchance to sleep.

senioritis

so my semester just started, literally, this am. and i'm already bored with the preliminaries. tedious waste of time, i say. necesary, my school says. i should just go away and live my life, and i do try, but there are deadlines and requirements i must meet along the way which keeps those wanting to drift away, tethered.

i keep trying to remind myself this is a vacation, of sorts. and i need to do what i have to do, to honor that. it doesn't really seem possible though. and i wonder what to do, how to scrape out an inch of rest here.

and then i remind myself, it wasn't about rest, it was meant to help my sister, and i hope that i'm accomplishing that. i don't know.

i should go, wailing baby (they really are sweet, and i'm grateful to see them).

peace. out.

pouty babies

so i'm sitting down for a rare moment (usually, i'm lying on the floor with babies, reading board books or hauling someone for a diaper change or such), and what do i see in the tree above my kid, a hawk had flown into my sister's back yard and lighted in a tree. i saw it momentarily and rushed outside.

the hawk had lifted off to a line in an adjoining yard, and when he saw me coming out there to glimpse him closer, lifted off again, and circled back around to land in a tree in my sister's yard.

my girl got photos of him, looking at everything. he was a juvenile red tail and i was pleased to see him. it would not be possible to have gotten my attention at that point without entering the yard. i was happily installed on the couch.

it's been a nice visit, slowly passing and for that i'm grateful. we went down to the beach spontaneously when our gorgeous cousin called. and we hauled the babies and a whole troop of girls to the beach.

it was hot and the water was cool. we made it home just before major meltdowns and so far, we've had a peaceful coexistence. no major drama.

though the babies miss their daddy and don't really know why he's not here and i keep hanging about. hard to explain these things to infants. i'm glad to be here, no way my sis could have done this job herself for a week.

i'm trying to rest a bit more before my semester starts thursday. time sure flies.

but i'm grateful. for this peace, i'm grateful.

arms of love

so, i'm thinking i've got a good hour and a half at the phoenix airport, and since i like to waste no time, my dear friend from high school whom i haven't seen since i was fourteen or fifteen (we were just kids!), is going to meet me and my girl.

today she says,

you do realize you're flying in to terminal 2 and out of terminal 4?

uh, no. didn't even occur to me to look.

well, add in one terminal change and that equals no time for visiting. i'm bummed. i thought it would be a simple matter. but my dear friend is going to shuttle me and my girl to terminal 4 and walk us to security, we will relish whatever time we have together. and i'm so grateful.

i've always been blessed with exceptional friends. i don't know why.

i don't "deserve" it. it just happens, and i'm astounded by my friends all the time. on a regular basis. they are the most kind, decent, loving people. and it strikes me funny that they are saddled with me as a friend in return. i can be the most forgetful, selfish one in the whole bunch (and i think, on most occasions i am).

but, i'm grateful. friends are a gift you give yourself (a friend gave me a magnet that says this. it is very true).

they heal my soul. my scarred soul. and i am grateful beyond words.

so the long night has begun, it's 12:38 and i've got a mildly sore back from work. hauling garbage is tough (you'd be amazed at how heavy coffee grounds can be). and i don't make the boys do it, i figure, i'm strong. i can handle it. and so i do.

tonight the guy i had the kill someone conversation with came in. i saw him in the middle of the line and hollered,

hello excavator

(that's his profession).

last time he came in, i told him how i rifled through my mind to figure out when i told him i was a writer.

when you wanted me to bury someone for you.

he said.

and i smiled.

he's a very nice man.

anywhoo, i never remember people's names.

so, tonight i do. i call it out. a moment of clarity in an otherwise cloudy group of faces that pass through my day.

and when he makes it up to the register, he's got some tough new jersey broad on his arm, and she's not happy.

(can't imagine why)

anyway, i get their drinks, and he doesn't utter a word. funny how a man acts when his woman is strutting her stuff and feeling threatened.

so i go to take out the garbage, and i thought about not going my usual route, which is around the front of the store, because there he sat with his girl at his side. and i thought, no, i'm going to do what i normally do, because there was nothing wrong with my saying hello.

so i take out the trash, round the corner, and pass them by without saying a word. we have this handicapped ramp i had to walk up, and as i turn back toward them to enter the store, i catch a glimpse of her evil eye.

she was giving me ojos to scare the dead. (or make me dead, one of the two).

i guess, if i had gotten her vibe before i said hello, i may have taken another route. now, i'm just acting normal, and i can see she'd piss a circle around him if she could.

and it made me kind of laugh.

i've never been the jealous type. even when women were hitting on my husband right in front of me. because the bottom line is, what's mine will come to me. if it stays, that's fine. if it goes, so be it. nothing can be done about who goes where and with whom. i'm weird that way i guess.

i should probably leave off this topic now, as fraught with peril it is.

i'm all yoda at a quarter to one, what can i say.

it's late. i'm going to shower, load the luggage, and try to stay awake. maybe i'll watch a movie, but whatever i do, it won't be for long. today's journey has just begun, and that's a weird feeling.

peace out.

shows, shows, shows

well, my girl's first show will likely be august 16. (nothing in my life happens slow, that's just the way it is kids).

so when i return home, i have to rush around and find a jacket, and pants, stuff like that. (joy. just what i needed to do).

the thing about it is, last minute doesn't work for me. it drains so much energy trying to prepare for the sudden immenent occurrence, that i don't find it worth it, usually.

but, it's for my kid. and the saying goes, we will do anything for our children. and so i shall.

i won't even get to see her in the show, as i'll be working, most likely. unless by some miracle, it works out (but i think i'm scheduled that day all ready, so much for that).

but it is well. i see her ride all the time, and show's aren't my bag baby.

last night at work went well. i was decidedly calmer since i realized i need only to care less. to not try to be perfect. this is never possible. i understand that.

so, i took my time, focused on one thing at a time instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off (a really awful image, i'm sure, if i ever saw a chicken with its head cut off).

but all is well. i'm actually not grim today, and i'm grateful. not sleeping tonight, so i have to prepare myself for that. stayed up really late to help tonight. and i'll come home, load the luggage (there is only a rolling carry on and our backpacks), shower, email some folx and likely write one last time before my vaca.

then, wake the fam at the ungodly hour of 3:30, and off we go.

that isn't so bad. i hope i don't snore like a buzzsaw on the plane. that would be bad. very bad.

peace.
out.