there you are

so, i looked everywhere, right? in the light of day i could not find it. i searched and searched, and finally, when i'd given up and gone to bed, there it was. where i had looked for it before, in my bed. i found it. i kissed it. i will wear it today.

i'm trying to blaze through books and i have a big essay to write, not a major one, just an unexpected one. a process essay on where i've been since starting this bachelor's program. part of me wants to be very honest, but my brand of honesty does not go so well in academia. unless i've got the right professor, which i think i have. so maybe it will. i don't know. it's a big risk to take and i'm not sure how much i'll say. she may think i'm crazy. who knows. but these are the facts of my life, as curious as they may seem, they are, what they are.

and so we go to the farm today, and i'm grateful. there is a chill in the air this morning and i can't wait to see them, my dearest friends, those who seem to know me and accept me fully. i feel i arrive at the farm in bits and pieces, and they help put me back together, week after week. their simple, unassuming presence draws me to the present and keeps me there. for that, i'm grateful.

i've written two poems in the past few days, i hadn't written anything for awhile. it's been a long silence for me. but i could not make myself bleed out words when there were none left. just like last night, a few tears fell where i thought the well had completely run dry.

i have no greater understanding today, than yesterday, though my poems help me see where i'm headed, where i've been. and today, the rule will be kindness. i prepare myself for this backward glancing essay and try to just let it happen. that is how my best writing occurs, it just does. i don't belabor it, i just do it. and sometimes, it works out.

i look forward to the other precious thing lost to me returning, i trust that which is mine will come to me and so it shall.

perhaps on a day like today, when i'm seated in a field. perhaps when i'm wiping a counter at work, perhaps when i'm in my chair at the library. i still go there on occassion, i went there last night. but i try not to jinx it by wishing. but i do watch and try to remember what it was i believed in once.

once.