very strong

word from an mfa program today,

"your application is very strong"

and this pleases me. i've had a rough day. lots of tears. lots of grief.

and that those tears weren't all mine is much harder to deal with.

i've said a lot of goodbyes today.
hope i haven't burned any bridges, yet.

but it is what it is and i must tend to my child.

i decided today,

move toward her dreams, your life can wait.

this is what we mothers do. this is what we must do.

but i have a bit of a reprieve, and i will try to behave. (it's tough for me).

but i have to remember, her dreams.

seems mine have been forgotten for now.

there's hope yet

it appears i have always been a fatal optimist. i can't help but hope. i can't help but believe, yes even in this economy, even in these troubled times, that it is all going to be all right. i believe this. it will work out. how will it? it's a mystery. but there you have it.

there are two ways i could go with this.

today as i was mucking out stalls, i am so in love with the farm and horses, that i could just take any lame job and go live by the farm and make myself indispensable to the new owner and get any lame low paying job (like the one i have now), just to be by the farm. to let my girl be by the farm. this was plan a.

but, with the impending goodness at my current job, it's hard for me to justify leaving. i have a sweet deal here, personality wise. when am i going to find someone who is so utterly in my corner and wants to help me out that is actually my boss? though as i think about it now, most of my bosses have been this way, so that isn't the best argument, i can just hear my one friend telling me to stick it out and pay my dues here.

what is a miserable existence without horses though? and they make a miserable existence worthwhile. i know this from experience. they have saved me alive. and, if i could spend more time with them, i would. every free moment.

at the moment, they are an hour away from my work. i could, conceivably change jobs. i could, conceivably, relocate and be near them. is this wisdom or madness? how often the two seem indistinguishable in my eyes.

the rents go down if i go that way. so my measely job would cut it. here, the rents are high, and i will have to give everything i've got to make it.

there is so much to think about.

i have a bit of time. the man who rents the apartment i want told me he could save it for me until nov 1. long time. i'm sure if in the interim he found someone else, he'd give it up, but nov 1 is better than nothing.

i need to explore my options some more. i had not planned on changing jobs again. i don't want to. but for the farm. for the horses. that makes so much sense to me. it feels like the life i'm moving toward.

can we take baby steps toward our dreams. though it is not my farm, it would be wonderful. they are not my horses, but i love them just the same.

what to do. what to do.

keep exploring my options, i think. tomorrow, i shall see about a job and the rents by the farm. it never hurt to ask.

peace. out.

rest easy

only four more books to write on today, and perhaps i can clean something--as something always needs cleaning around here. i guess it worked out, blocking out this time for dodge and using it for school. i had not foreseen this path, but there was no other way. i don't feel as overwhelmed as i did. school must be a priority, and it just has not been, that's the fact of the matter.

i wrote most of the day yesterday and just ran out of words around three pm. so i stopped. hopefully today will be as productive.

i'm not so wasted tired, but still have obs and gobs of stuff to do. and i need to complete my second admissions packet for the residency mfa i'm applying to. it may be essential for me to have a place to live around that time of the year. i'm not sure where i'll be or how it will look. or if i'll even get accepted, for that matter. but i trust what needs to happen will. and that which is mine will come to me.

means i'll be moving more north in new york. it's cheaper up there. but colder and farther from my friends. but i must do this. i must.

it is well. i've had enough days off work and i want to go back. that's good. maybe i won't go back and be exhausted. maybe i can just go back and be ready to work. my boss is changing my schedule at my request, he needed someone at a different time, and i said i'd do it, because i need to. i need to be flexible and there if he needs someone.

we'll see how it goes. i'm sure it will be fine.

i should venture outside today, maybe i will. if nothing else, at least open the windows. i'm all closed in and that's never good for the psyche.

i miss my friends, and it took everything i've got not to go see them. i will see them tomorrow. i'm not going today either, must prioritize school. must graduate. this is my mantra now.

must gratduate. must graduate.

and so i will.

then, have one glorious semester off, and begin my master's work. whew! who knows what life will hold for me then. but i'm looking forward to it.

peace. out.

all told

well, so much for my big talk, but i really got a lot accomplished this morning. so that is my excuse for writing now.

six more books to write on before i let myself off the proverbial hook. then, i have at least that many more to read, and a major essay to write, as well as my belly dance to perform. then i'm done.

it feels like so much work, but i've tried to convince myself that my least is better than many people's best. so, i can just do what i can and be done with it. will it be a stellar conclusion to my semester? not really. but whatever. we do the best we can and move on.

all i need is my degree, not some amazing piece of work, though i feel it isn't worth the effort to produce something less than amazing, at this point, it's about graduating. that is the bottom line for me.

i have to graduate. i have to do this.

and i'm so tired. i may nap a bit, then hit the books again. i wanted to go see the horses today, but i opted out, i imposed my own personal deadline, then maybe i'll venture out tomorrow.

not to dodge. i don't think i can make it there. i'm so tired i'm driving half asleep, and that is not good. my girl and i put two hundred miles on the car thursday just getting to the farm and dodge, and i wanted to pass out half way home. not good. just coming straight home from the farm yesterday i wanted to fall asleep at the wheel.

whatever.

priorities. i must make mine, not be ashamed of what they are. and trust, abandon myself to my instincts and move forward.

the word ferrel keeps coming to me. and i trust, my instincts won't long be awry.

i must away. much to do.

it's a swan

no, it's a duck.

it's a swan mom.

no, it's a duck. i can't tell. next a unicorn will appear and i'll just see a mare.

is this a place all women come to? i had thought i wouldn't lose my ability to see. but it seems i have. too much reality is the culprit i believe. i've dealt more with numbers and logistics, than dreams. i don't know what dreams are any longer.

and i'm too tired to return to dodge. i drove home today and dove in bed, now, i have to cram. i have too much to do to sit at dodge for hours on end, and this, perhaps more than losing my maiden vision, or perhaps as testament to losing my maiden vision, i have no time for poetry. soon, i'll have no time for poets.

there are things i must be about. finishing my semester is one.

i will try not to write anymore here, until i am caught up. this is a waste of time in many ways.

see, i've lost the vision.

it is what it is.

just a duck.

deep fried whaaaat?

oreos. kids. oreos. i couldn't resist.

and it was worth every arterystopping, or arteryclogging bite. at one point i had the thing perched between here and oblivion, sucked in a breath of powdered sugar and coughed it right back out all over my girl, standing there watching me devour this concoction.

i hear deep fried snickers are wonderful as well, or what is that bar nigella fries? i can't remember. whatever. like anyone needs a deep fried candy bar.

it's not over yet, dodge, i mean, but my girl and i were too tired to stay the whole time. i'm thinking, instead of pushing, to sleep in some tomorrow, and cut out dodge entirely. being refreshed for saturday when i will go alone.

i'm just so tired. i don't remember a time when i had time. my girl agreed.

but anyway, i'm going to bed. peace. out.

a place of my own

i found a place, two blocks from my work, i hope to get it, soon. then, we'll see. we'll see.

i can't wait for life to find me, i must move forward. that has always been the case.
only i just now realized it.

i'm tired, but dodge starts tomorrow. my girl is excited.

i must to bed. the horses were wonderful today. it took us an hour and change to get there today. i think those road crews were just driving around shutting down lanes to mess with us.

whatever. our friends are well. and i can graze two horses at one time, but three is a bit much. the logistics are more than i can manage.

these are very good ponies. the big guys didn't get out while i was there, unfortunately. the thoroughbred hurt her front tendons one slippery rainy day. and has since been confined to a small paddock after days of being in her stall.

i wish she were sound so i could turn her out, but she just ain't yet.

and that's how it goes.

i'm tired. must to bed, morning comes early for me.

but my ex volunteered to do the work at the farm saturday and sunday, so i get to go straight to dodge those days. i will miss my friends, but i'll see them monday and tuesday. (and quite possibly, i'll get to see some two legged friends).

peace. out.

who wins

i stared down the devil tonight.

no one wins in these situations. no one.

the only thing to do is try to control the damage.

i have a feeling i know the source of the bad advice my ex got about me. it was his not knowing me that broke the final fragile thread of trust between us.

he owned up to a lot tonight. and, we'll see if it amounts to more than just a bunch of words, meaningless words.

the devil doesn't know how to deal straight. i don't expect much. maybe a bit of time. time is helpful to me now.

but i am unafraid. and i've reclaimed my power.

at last.

the calm before

and so, here we are. i, navigating the darkness.

and the dragon's nostrils flare, and light the way.

it may end well, after all. one can hope.

one can hope.

stop the madness

i have been in a swirling darkness for awhile. (probably since birth, who knows). not of my making, mind you, perhaps of my choosing, i am not sure. can these two be distinct? are they forever entwined and we make and choose our fates without realizing it at the time? i do not know.

but as i contemplate the myriad paths my life could take from this juncture, i am in many ways, excited. dread comes, and i try to stave it off, with remembering my work ethic and how i can pay anything off with a little time and hard work. it helps that i'm appreciated at my job.

perhaps there is the only place i'm seen as competent, in spite of my flaws (in my day to day life, i might add...though, not in school. i get top marks from all my professors, and i've never been the find the prof who will give me an a type. i take any and every prof i can, variety they say).

but i'm home now. i felt horrible leaving my co-worker, but for the poetry book i left her with. my stalking the dead. she was grateful and hugged me. i wouldn't go there with anyone else from work because there is just too much in there. too much. but i greatly respect her. she's amazing. and i think she just might get it.

anyway, i have to, have to, have to study. i've been blazing through my days, i came home from work at around 4 yesterday and slept until about 10, then woke up for an hour, and slept until 4am when i had to get up to go to work. i didn't want to get up.

the morning chill has returned and it's sleeping in time. cozying into a blanket and just snoozing the hours away.

but i have things to accomplish this week. i must make lists and get organized, or forget it. i'll probably have to clean my apt, which hit the skids again. what can i say, i really hate living here. present company and all that.

i better say no more. it is too much.

peace. out.

bleary eyed

between shifts, i sleep. that seems about all (oh, and do laundry, i have to have my "uniform"). so, i get to work and as usual it's madness. utter and complete.

there are ways to minimize the madness, work clean, work fast, work hard.

but one lady today came in at the end of the madness (actually, at one of the microsecond breaks between the madness when we're gearing up for the next rush), and said,

you are moving so slow.

by then, my eyes were at half mast, elvis had left the building and i wanted to deck her. even if she is at that age when blurting is somehow expected. it's fucking coffee. get over it grandma. wait one more minute and chill out.

but, i shouldn't go there. i can't. i have to be wonderful and attempt to be pleasant.

so i walked away. sometimes, that's the greatest kindness i can give a person (whether they realize it or not).

and when i left the apt this morning, they were "trimming" the wisteria, or so i thought.

well, i return home, and every last scrap of it is gone. it was huge and gorgeous, draping over the trellis porch and now, it's just fugly. as we say.

and my jazz customer who gave me music last night came in and ordered his usual drink, but this time he wanted ME to put in his cream and sugar.

he was at the front of a very long line, and it's not set up for us to be able to do that without a great deal of aggravation. and so, he got his coffee and sugar, but i couldn't do the milk, and just had to hand it off and help the next ten customers.

the good thing about being wicked busy is, time flies.

the bad part, time flies.

no one wants to wait, there is never a breather, and shit runs out. so people get all angry and pissed off (which is probably the same thing), because they had to wait for a whole three minutes for their drink. sigh.

i shake my head when i leave work and have to remind myself, this is a parallel universe catering to some narcissistic clientele. i think.

though, there are many, many decent people through the course of the day. some of them i even like. i am remembering their names, and i'm grateful for their presence.

it's just the fat little old ladies who call us slow, when we're just recovering from a major rush. they are the ones who stand out. why is that?

i need to sleep, i open the store tomorrow, and hope my help shows. (today, the help opted out. kids these days. i swear).

the scent of freedom

the mouse will play, and i understand what these dreams i've had have meant.

it will get better, i know this. but first, we must descend into darkness.

i have never thought i was unsafe here, but i'm beginning to think i need to move now. what we have come to...

i don't know.

my ny best friend gave me some patchuli today. i put it on, and it was such a comfort.

i need comfort at the moment.

my girl is safe, she is not home tonight. would there were more to be done than i am able to do at the moment.

i just do not know.

i had not foreseen any of this.

it's the end of the world as we know it

i had a dream last night and bolides were impacting the earth, i was with my dad (why does he keep appearing?). and the skies were dark, red, and ominous. then the bolides hit and some people were gone instantly, some, drug through the core of the earth, dying en route, some lived through the destruction and went on to see another day (my dream seemed to focus on the end character, though i woke with a chill for all the dead and those i watched dying along the way).

there is a book about dream interpretation i read once, i need to get it again. basically, i'm sure it would say, (and it doesn't say anything, you have to do the work of interpreting your own dreams), this road is fraught with peril. but you will survive. many have died on this path, but that is not to be your fate.

and so it shall be.

i just keep startling out of my dreams, and i'm not used to it. the way i'd fall headlong out of dreams when they were traumatic. these are certainly heavy, but aside from the visceral reaction, they don't have the oppressive heaviness of the dreams i used to dream.

i have to be about things soon. much to do before i clock in. much to do.

and fit school in. i must do that.

peace. out.

if i knew then...

so, working hard, working late, and i didn't realize until 9pm (which is the end of the shift, practically), that the guy i was working with hadn't been trained to close. and closing was upon us.

:(

so. we got out of there nearly 40 minutes late. i didn't freak out, i didn't get stressed, i just tried to prioritize and utilize his strengths. what else can be done?

there are so many things i would, could do differently. perhaps i should do everything different. but it is what it is. and i am not able to make things perfect, much as i want to.

choose your battles suzanne,

my trainer kept telling me.

and i'm trying. i'm trying to keep in mind the things that matter most, and let the rest just wash down the drain.

my boss opens tomorrow, so we'll see if what i prioritized was the right thing to prioritize.

and i'm tired and must to bed, at some point. i should probably study first. i've devoted all my free time to the apartment search/chess game, and being there for my kid.

but it's time to crack the books seriously. fortunately, i only work 8 hours next week. it couldn't come at a better time, and i hope to get a bit of rest out of the deal.

walking through the pasture with the horses the other day, wow, that was just yesterday, felt so natural, so right to me. i'm grateful i get to do it for an entire week next week. and i'll be grateful when it's over, as well. it's a lot of work, and i've got to figure out how to get the studying done at the same time.

it will be fine. i cram when i have to. and, well, i have to.

peace. out.

it's cold, inside and out.

the chill has officially returned. i'm grateful for it. it's been a long hot summer, and cool is good.

i had to have a long talk with my kiddo yesterday, i needed her to know how i foresaw a few things goin' down. we both cried.

i came home after belly dance, to a red-eyed child.

she sat up late with me, and told me what was wrong, and i must say, i didn't think the old man had it in him. touche. it seems the basis of his appeal hinges on me going back with them, and i simply won't. i can't. i've given up everything for this man too many times to do it again. i explained this to my girl whom i'm not sure understood.

there just is no easy way to put it, and it makes her life more difficult. ultimately, moms take the hit and the kids don't even realize it. i'm not sure what will happen. it would require me to quit my job most likely, and i'm just not ready to do that. not willing. not that my job is the bomb, but, i've done it so many times already. how much do i have to leave before i just get to do what matters to me?

not sure. i have no answers for that.

i just held her while she cried and tried to tell her it will be alright. not easy, but it will work out.

she asked me what to do, and i said,

i can't answer that question for you, because i'm not you.

i never want her to feel i've made a decision for her. and she's of the age where she can make the decision herself. but what its coming to is hard for anyone, especially a child.

i went to belly dance last night, with my favorite instructor. she busted out all the technical moves i love her for. and we do them for a stretch of time so you body is tired, your everything is dripping in sweat, and we just keep going.

she's truly amazing.

i've been apartment hunting, and that's a sobering experience. so far, nothing i can afford. it's kind of a bummer, but it's not pressing just yet. but i have a feeling, soon, very soon, it will be.

peace. out.

check.

last night i dreamed i pulled a dead girl out of a murky lake. she was my cousin (who is gratefully, still alive), stiff as a board. i went in to rescue a woodchuck whom i had tried to get a glimpse of, this woodchuck came in and sniffed around me, then hid from me. after he ran off, he fell into the murky water (while riding a razor, which i thought goofy and my fault) and i went in after him. after looking for him just a bit, i felt my hand brush another, and i knew she was missing, they couldn't find her. and i brought her up. i lay her in her orange dress on the deck and called to my dad/uncle who didn't come out. she was wearing heavy skates, and one was off her foot, i found it on the bottom in the murk. i put it beside her slight broken ankle, and wished she'd made it. but was glad to have recovered her.

i had jumped in with my cell phone and berated myself for dousing yet another phone, so in my dream i took it off, took it apart, and set it on the table. i needed another place to live and i proposed it to my sister, who seemed to be agreeable, but then i found my dead cousin and woke up shortly after.

my family seems to be plagued with indifference. my sister, no, she is overly concerned about the things that happen to me, but the rest of the family, not much by way of reciprocity. i guess it goes both ways though, i don't call them, they don't call me. i don't know the details of their lives, they don't know mine.

it's just a curious time when i'm counting all my allies and trying to figure out who my enemies are. how will this play out and where do i turn next?

i just don't know. perhaps if i'd been more of a tactician, it might be easier. i just don't know.

my girl and i have had a wonderful time the past few days i've been off. reminds me of when i was a stay home mom. how far apart i am from that now, and to be blamed for being at home--when i am clearly working--to be blamed for not doing enough at home--when i am clearly too busy, none of it makes sense.

but then, i guess that is why we're divorcing. what's the point, really?

peace. out.

greasy spoons and half moons

the moon was gorgeous tonight. it glowed and was full, just amazing.

we tried a diner on the way to the new farm last week, my god it stunk. we were crammed in a booth beside the loudest bunch of teamsters in new york. i had to tell my girl to get up and move because we couldn't handle the noise. i would rather not eat than be subjected to such raucous company.

i don't like loud. unless it's led zeppelin's talkin' about love, which was on the radio tonight as i pulled out of the library. i had to rebuke the librarian for interrupting a poet reading, and she said,

i'm sorry.

i told her,

poems don't go on forever, there is no reason to interrupt.

(why is everyone so impatient? yes, they do have to chase us out every time, but at least we are there. though if we were in my place o' bidness i'd be chasing us out too). then we stand in the parking lot for the after meeting which went on only about twenty more minutes, the moon crisp and full. the air brisk, warranted the wearing of my turquoise suede jacket, which was a nice touch and i was glad to have it with me.

cold is making a comeback.

and i'm grateful for it.

i told nicole when i saw her last week, don't eat at that diner.

yeah,

she said,

it's a greasy spoon.

too bad i didn't ask, but i don't usually ask. whatever. so she told us which diner to try next, and so we shall. tomorrow in the am. before my girl rides.

we got manicures and pedicures today, i needed the mental break and the massages were very good today, it's healing to have someone do that for you. i need to go get an actual massage next. i'm about as tense as a plank, but not really, i just hate not being touched. and, aside from my friends, there ain't nothing goin' on for me there.

it is well. it will all be well.

and i wonder how bucky is, hoping they are taking care of him. hoping they are feeding him well. that he is strong and remembers me. that i love him.

tonight i read an old poem, fill my days, and it was well, very well received. all of them i read were. i went for the old poems tonight. lots of new people. and it reminded me of how far i've come.

after i read a poem i submitted for my master's program, i said,

and hopefully it will get me into a master's program,

and there was a great affirmation that it was a strong poem. it is a strong poem. and i'm grateful for it.

the table was full, last time there were only four of us, this time, about fourteen. which was nice. and, we enjoyed each other.

for that, i'm grateful.

peace. out.

protect yourself

i've been duly warned by my closest friends, yet i fail to act.

there are specifics i cannot go into here, but things are getting thorny and i need to find a place to land, the sooner the better, and a way to make a way for myself. when push comes to shove, not if, when.

often times we don't believe it is possible to have chosen so poorly, until we are wracked with the trial of trying to figure out what is going on. now, i am not doing as my friend said, giving him the benefit of the doubt which may come around to bite me in the ass.

meanwhile, i'm reading a book on art and dance therapy and i get to the essay about the battered woman. how movement is a psychic release for she who is bound. and how battery can be psychological, financial. and how the battery reduces one's choices and options to a point of psychological inability to move.

after i passed the window of opportunity when i could have armored myself against the onslaught, once, i gave up the power to act, i, unwittingly gave him power. empowered the toothless lion to do more than roar. but i do not believe we can be struck down without a fight.

and i do have fight in me yet.

i do have venom to loose. but i don't want to hurt him if i don't have to. it is, by proxy, hurting my kid. how i wish the courtesy would be conveyed in both directions, and for now, i sleep with my back to the wall, hoping not to be swallowed up.

last night, i startled awake many times because the curtains blew over my face, it felt in so many ways like i was drowning, and perhaps i am. but i am of water and foam. the depths do not scare me.

this will not take me down. this will not be the end of me. nor the end of him if i can help it. and that is my dilemma. the damned dilemma of every wife who has compassion.

we put up with these bastards until they drain the last lifesblood from our veins and move on to the next tasty meal. but i will not be sucked dry. not if i can help it.

would i knew the path to take now. that it would make itself clear to me.
for i am uncertain and in my uncertainty, i do no thing. i wait.

this may be widom or foolishness, only time will tell.

hold on loosely

i walked the big girl to the paddock today. nicole showed me how to fly spray her, since she's afraid of the squeezy bottle, i have to wipe her down. putting her fly mask on is more of an under the chin affair, and i believe she will be kind to me. she was today. she has been in the times i've handled her before, though i've never walked her until today. unclipping her chain lead from the halter took longer than i'd like, but on my second try, i got it. the trick is, getting out of her way before she kicks and runs off into the pasture.

she's beautiful though.

i don't lock down on the rope and yank her down the road, that's just foolish, if you ask me. so i walked beside her, calmly, holding the rope gently. i wouldn't want someone yanking me around. and so, i try to respect her. her gentleness comes out.

and i keep hearing how hard it is to catch velvet in the field. she has never, not once run away from me. she always just stands as i approach, or walks to the gate to meet me. my girl says because i'm essentially what she has to settle for. but i like to think she understands. and i approach her with great love and respect. she understands this. i went to her today and bitty let out a holler, to call me back. apparently my minimassage was not enough, or she just wanted another. and so i went back and gave her another. i walked away from her at one point, to the other side of her stall and stood there, just to see what she would do, and she walked over and stood beside me. i don't want to force my affection on them. but if they want it, they've got it in spades.

and bitty gave herself over to my scratching, and i stood beside her and wrapped my arms around her, and rubbed her, she was hot so i hosed her down and tried to clean her up a bit, i don't know why, she rolled in the dirt immediately after i turned her out. but she was happy. i let her graze a bit, and nicole says she just hasn't had time to do much of that, so i asked her if it's alright if we spend time with the horses grazing them. she said,

sure. thank you.

it was wicked hot today, and we left the farm after handling the horses, because it was too hot to work and that is our prerogative, we are not owners, so we left. it is more urgent to me to help when they are standing in their unmucked stalls. i have to do something then, but this way, nicole has all day and her husband was there.

plus, i've got a week of it coming and i'm ready to--

man this guy got bucked off at 7.3 seconds and it was a great ride, but it was not meant to be. he would have gotten an amazing score.

--do the work. i'm looking forward to it, actually. i have to press in and get to the books, i've got a lot of reading to do and a major essay to write. the question is, what to say. my journey to this point has been, um, interesting. i'm not yet feeling the freedom with this current prof to spill it.

so i may just write something detached, but i don't really know how to do that, there's the dilemma.

i just have to wait for the answer to present itself. it always does. and i'm always grateful.

and i went to get bunny, whom i hold like a baby in my arms, and carried him to my chair. he closes his eyes and his back feet drop, so his belly is completely exposed. he stayed with me this way, even with my girl poking and tickling him, until he was tired of it, then flipped over, about five minutes into the chill session. and then, when he was tired of that, he groomed himself for a minute in my lap, and then hopped off and ran back to his cage.

it's tough being cute i guess. but the fur coat might also have something to do with it, as i said, it's wicked hot.

peace. out.

dreamlife

we arrived at the powwow grounds waaay tooo early, and left before it even got started, my patience had reached an end. so, en route to the farm, we stop at the library to piddle and cool off. we figure, we'd rather be with our friends than a group of strangers.

and i continue to get lost. every road i take has bends and curves unseen, but i'm making my way there slowly. trying not to freakout on the journey, just go for the ride.

another stinging critter found its way into my pants and my girl just laughs.

why does that keep happening to you,

as i'm bent in half pulling my flared denim high over my boot to see what exactly is stinging the back of my leg.

he was on a flower, and i walked across it. he just chose that moment to fly up.

that i can release them unharmed (though i guess they die, but this one stung more than once, so maybe it was a small wasp or something, do they linger on clover? doubtful). or watch them fly is a comfort to me. and that i'm not deathly allergic is another. apart from that i do not know what they seek or why they venture into my pants to find it.



with my school books beside me, even if we waste time (and i have none to just pitter away), i can study while we lolligag. and we figure, at least at the farm, we want to be there.

even if i drag myself there, scrape up my bones and deposit them at the door, when i scratch someone's sweetspot and they wrap their long stong neck around me, it helps. it helps a lot.

i guess the only affection i get, or give is to horses and a bunny. our birds have allied themselves against us, and we no longer hold them. which is fine. they are who they are. my daughter sometimes corners them and holds one. but not without leather gloves. naughty little birds.

but their twittering cheers me like no other. and i do need cheering.

i bought a mess of sage, my dear friend secured some patchuli for me. i love the smell but never wore it because i knew it would offend my soon to be ex-husband. and so, it will be the fragrance i will blend into my hair and on those hot spots which acts like nature's fragrance releaser.

i bought some heavy bells today. not huge bells but i wanted something weighty for my ankles, and these were just right. i have some pakistani anklets, but those are special occasion jingles. these are more the practice kinds. though i will likely love them, as i have a fondness for the curious. the off, the alternate solution.

i go to sleep at 2am lately, and wake up by 8. not nearly enough sleep for me, but i'm not fighting it. i'm just going with it. i figure, if i'm so tired, i'll sleep. but i do not sleep. i cannot sleep. i lie awake in darkness and look for what i've lost, i try to remember the place i've never known, and see the one i've lost sight of.

until, at last, sleep takes me. the dawn always coming too soon reclaiming my consciousness.

i'm not the same person i was, only who i am today. nothing more, nothing less.

that which is mine will come to me. i believe this.

you are forever young in my eyes. aged to perfection, scarred and torn, but mine. and this is enough. this will always be enough for me. and i can wait. it is what keeps me alive. the belief that anything is possible, that sawn off branches inexplicably find ways of staying put.

and that it can't rain always.

today

i was going to pass up going to the farm today, long drive. i'm tired, so many reasons. but as i stirred awake this morning, i thought of them, my friends. how i need them today. and this is the truth of it. they do more for me, than i, ever, them. they accept the darkest parts of me, together with that smile i've picked up off the dusty ground and pasted on for a moment.

they love me for who i am. the way you used to. the way you do.

and i need your shadow to fall across my path today, to darken my steps and make them light again.

i am all contradiction now. there is no straight line left in me. i have become the yes and no i once embraced. i have wandered into mystery and there i will remain.

until life takes me up again, and forces me to live. to live. to live.

we are off to a powwow today, my girl and i. my girl and i.

where i will stomp the earth and cry, if i'm lucky. the heaviness of my life will abate for a moment, and i will remember who i am. who i was. i will remember who i am supposed to be. i will find my name, hear my voice being called out. and for once, i will not be afraid.

and when i'm too tired to circle the arena, when i have smudged with them, and laughed with them, and cried myself awake from my waking slumber.

then i will go to them, my friends, who love me the way you once did. who ask no more of me than i can give. these friends whom i would give everything for, without hesitation.

because i love them, as i once loved you. as i love you still.

and i will not always wonder who i have become.

when i look into your eyes, i will know.

broke down

there are few words for what happened today. the toothless lion roused the dragon in me, and i burned him with my scorching breath, and now we scamper in the darkness trying to find comfort and peace. and i try to quench the breath of fire that was stirred, to no avail, to no avail. it stirs even still, though tears come now to quench that fire of rage. tears of joy. tears of peace. tears.

and i am elemental, broken and bound, lost and found. all these things and more.

my sister tells me she had lunch with two fathers from a nameless religious organization and the topic of a book i once wrote came up. she told them what i said, what i believe, and they said,

how very similar our beliefs are to hers.

eve rises.

even when i neglect her. even when i shun her.

she will not lie silently. she must speak.

and so she does.

and i may bind her and let her go, set her free, as it were. since she seems to have a will of her own. and what is writing for if not to be read. what is dreaming for if not to remind us of the paths we are to take.

and i saw you in that dream. but you were locked in stasis, and i could not set you free. i could not set you free.

i keep dreaming, hoping i'll find the key, but i've got nothing.
empty pockets, empty dreams.

and i keep wondering when.

and then she speaks to me, and i know, i understand.

i spoke your name to the silence. to the darkness. to the wind.

arise. and the dragon will rekindle your cooling embers.

both ways

i have a lot of work to do to get up to speed at work. my boss called me out on a lot of things last night, and he's right. i have to pick up the pace. he says i look like i've just given up and am focusing on all the tasks.

which is probably true. if it weren't such an atmosphere driven place, this might not be such a problem. but, it is. and i have to change.

it was a good exchange of information, and i apologized for acting unprofessional, which i have, in the worst sense. mostly because he gets my humor and i need to stop being funny. i'm really not funny at work, work is not the place for funny.

or, at least there's a certain context where it is appropriate.

there are a lot of changes going on for our crew, and it is good. it is very good. my boss mentioned, with your work ethic and personality, you could go higher.

and that made me happy, but there is much to learn at this place right now. i've not had the proper training, and it's important for me to complete that training. i told him, i will do what i have to do on my lunch at work, if that helps (because i can't do it on my own time at home, i have no own time).

as i let my shoulders slip down from my earlobes, i have to chill. i have to focus. i have to draw lines where i need them.

it will be well, i know it. i have a boss who is on my side and wants me to thrive.

but i also have to be on my side. that, i think, is the hardest part.

where to land

i've leapt out, off the cliff, as of today. all my apps are in the mail, i've even sent in to get that reading in nyc. we'll see what happens. there's a curious lightness to this kind of waiting. i try to forget what i've done, all i've got out there.

meanwhile, this shift whose leaving our store is also a writer, poet, etc. i tell you, it's a cliche out here. and i'm considering showing her some of my works today. it's a risk, certainly. but i can show her some of the less intimate things i've got published.

i don't know what will happen. maybe i won't make it into either program, maybe i will. i just don't know. then it would come to deciding where to live, what to do next. and again, more questions.

there is tons of good news here. tons.

but i've raced around all day trying to get these loose ends tied up. now, off to work for a short shift with my boss and the poet shift whom i like very much. it should be a good night. i'm supposed to run the shift and we'll see how that goes. if my boss can keep it shut while i work, or if i'll shut down.

i'm hoping for the ability to lead tonight. as that is what i'm supposed to be doing.

and yesterday, i saw a kid training on the register traning program, and i asked my boss if i could do that because this register is nothing like my old store's.

he said,

you didn't do that yet?

nope.

i haven't really had any "official" training. and he's trying to get me into classes and whatnot, but it's a big headache for him. i'm grateful it's a priority though. and i hope it gets moving soon. i knew there was a lot of info i was missing.

peace. out.

go for it.

the place i had my reading in nyc back in the day is up for grabs again. i need to do a submission, and so i will.

i have a completely different thing going on from what i read last time i was there, so maybe, just maybe it's time to read in the city again.

it was a good night at work. i learn so much from the different people and there is a willingness to grow from most of the people.

i met the district manager tonight. he seemed nice enough, but i've heard how things have been handled in the past. i will let him prove himself on his own terms.

we spoke briefly about how i'm adjusting to the faster pace, and i told him that was the biggest change.

he said my boss spoke highly of me and if i wanted to try a higher volume store, i could. any faster pace and i think i'd be laid out on the floor in exhaustion.

i can't even imagine.

i thought our store was high volume and he said,

it's the lowest volume store in my district.

yikes.

but we're going to change that. because we're a really great crew. one of the shifts i adore is going to transition out in two weeks, and become an assistant, which is good for her, sad for me. i like her. i trust her. but maybe she will stay in contact. it seems to be the case, i guess she lives nearby. she works very hard.

i think when your younger is the time to make the move toward assistant or manager because it requires great flexibility. not that i'm not flexible, but i've got a kid to think of.

i hear one of the new shifts has the same availablility as me and the other shift (who often work together), but maybe that's good, maybe it will result in less, way less hours.

i don't know. we'll see.

i'm tired and must to bed, but i'm not sleepy, so who knows. i'll stay up for awhile and see if i can't get some schoolwork done.

peace. out.

the look of disapproval

tonight this man scowled at me. a coffee drinker, the brewed coffee drinkers are the worst.

i didn't even charge him for his coffee, and he still scowled at me.

you see, during the day, we have four coffee pots to brew in. so we shuttle two pots back and forth, lagging just enough so there is never a time when coffee is unavailable.

around 4 or 5pm, we clean two of those pots and go to two pots of coffee which we do not shuttle, we just brew and drain, then brew again.

we typically brew two cups of coffee at a time. every half hour.

with two pots, this means, one is dedicated to decaf, the other to regular.

there is always going to be a lapse of about five to ten minutes when we have to empty the pot and start the new pot (including brewing time). and if someone sold two cups of coffee without restarting the whole process, then, things really get interesting.

so i brew four cups regular at a time.

well, this guy, a regular, orders a cup, and i barely have enough. we'd had about a zillion people through and the pot was low. so i don't charge him, and say,

i hope this is acceptable.

and he just looks at me with this disapproving scowl.

sigh.

even if i brewed a gallon of coffee at a time, if you walk in: a. when it's just sold out, or b. when the timers are going bezerk, you're still going to have to wait or not get the coffee in two seconds.

if people have to wait anymore than a minute, they are such babies.

i understand that we are in the coffee business, but it simply is not possible to have it ready instantly for every single person that walks in.

has this happened to that guy before? yeah, i think so.

why? for the same reasons i just said.

i don't plan to run out of coffee or have the timers go off just before he walks in.

and, well, i'm just so sick of these people who don't give us a break. it's not like i'm trying to not have coffee ready.

there is so much else that is more important in life. it really makes me understand that.

i had this one customer tonight who said to me,

i wish i could make your life easier.

and i smiled. i wished i would have told him he just had. because compassion and patience go a long way.

i should go to bed. too bad i drink so much coffee.

(not really, i drink tea. green tea, or chai. they both have caffine though)

sigh.

sagging hips

my friend said to me,

have you lost weight?

and i looked down, tired, but not exhausted.

i don't know, have i?

my jeans from last winter were kind of sagging. so i hopped on the scale at my gym and had lost 3 pounds and a few more inches. probably from atrophed muscle (i haven't worked out regularly in a while), but i don't know. the inches were still coming off my hips, which is welcome. i make sure not to avoid the strenuous at work, lifting boxes, lugging garbage, slinging mops, i figure, if i've got to work and i can't workout, i'll make the nature of my work a workout--which it essentially is, i'll give myself over to it, in a sense.

and so i have.

curious.

so lets see if the trend continues. maybe my skinny jeans will fit me now, i'll try them for dodge, they are gorgeous. but now, i'll be smelling like horses when i go there. that will be interesting. my girl and i will have to keep our barn clothes and dodge clothes in the car and change when we're done at the farm--it will do little to help the smell, but, maybe we'll be tolerable. who knows.

fortunately, the only really jam packed day is saturday. though i missed sunday last year so what do i know, really?

it'll be a tough week, but we're up to it. and the thrill of seeing our friends every day, the groove we get into, will be worth the effort. and effort it will be. but it will be good. i'm grateful i have many days off that week or i couldn't manage it. nicole just picked the right week to go away.

so, i've finally, and unwittingly dropped beneath my weight window that i had only dropped beneath once before. i'm sure the trend will continue as i'm standing and working more than anything. i'm hoping the sitting at dodge won't be too much for me. i stood through billy collins for one reading last year, because i was just tired of all the sitting.

but it will be well. looking forward.

peace. out.

two hundred year old porches

yesterday, i wasn't wasted tired when leaving the farm so we called our ny friends and agreed to go over their house and to a meeting with them. the meeting was for little girls, and i wasn't there to lead the thing, so i went out to sit on the porch. the upright position proved a bit much for me, once the sitting begins, even with a 20oz coffee, it's tough to maintain it. i slumped, and finally stretched full out on this old porch.

it was so old, i could smell the aged wood. the thick boards beneath me, and the double entrance pointed out by my friend, we were at an old quaker church built in 1790. the men and women used to enter separately. i looked at the scuffed off paint on the porch (probably lead--without a doubt, lead), and lay there and read. when the book became heavy, i put it on my chest and looked up at the trees.

if only i had my bandana, i wished, as i've taken to using a bandana across my eyes to block the light out, so i took a swath of hair and draped my eyelids, and it was dark and peaceful on the old porch, and so i drifted off into near sleep. i was completely relaxed and could feel people arriving to pick up the girls because the boards would sway just so, beneath me.

then my girl and her friend came out, and were laughing because i was passed out on the porch. but it was comfortable, and i was in need of a rest. and so we left, drove through lovely foliage all the way to our friend's house. the girls played a bit, and then we went home.

we were there to register for a sleepover at an aquarium in connecticut. (did i spell that right? who knows!). i'm looking forward to that. i'm told i can sleep wherever i want, and i'm not sure where that will be, hopefully some place quiet. it's not until january, but i'm sure looking forward to it.

i'm going to try to go work out, then have to make my way to work. but i had a restful day off and it looks like i'll consistently have some actual days in a row off again soon.

peace. out.

more work, why not!

so, today at the farm, it was storming and our friends were tense. but they got through it. the present owner of the new farm is gracious, and brought them in before it got bad out (barnaby in particular is afraid of thunder and lightening, and stood facing the wall of his stall and didn't budge an inch the entire time we were there, poor guy. until my girl went and hung on his neck and then i let her groom him while i waited in the car, i was wiped out).

we had intended only to fill one bucket per stall and leave, but i can't leave my friends standing in their unkempt stalls, so, one stall after another, one bucket after another, one wheel barrow after another, we mucked, watered and generally tended to them all. it was no great hardship for me, i enjoyed it. the new stalls are large enough, even for the big thoroughbred not to feel threatened by me in there with a pick. that's a bonus.

so i volunteered for an entire week of driving to the barn and mucking stalls. crazy sounding, i know. but nicole wants to leave town for a week and who else is going to do it? i am glad to do it, i love those horses.

we'll go on sunday and i'll learn how to handle the big girl. she's spirited, shall we say? i touched her flank today and she startled, but i just held my peace and stood beside her, and she calmed down, eventually following me, being sweet, but i know she was just trying to escape. i didn't let her get a good angle on the door.

and while she's big and jumpy, perhaps you could even say she's a handful, i think she's just young and needs patience. i understand that. believe me.

so i'll be very careful with her, and it's good that she trusts me, or at least tolerates me because i'll be in her face for a week and she'll have to deal with it. if i can do my part with her in her stall, so much the better. i would hate to have anything happen to her.

there is this gorgeous, i mean, jaw dropping friesian (sp?). my god that horse is to die for. he's all black, 15.3 nicole says. and stunning.

i don't know that i'd ever ride a horse that big (though my girl informs me that bandit--the big baby, is 16.2, and i've ridden him). t, the big girl, is 17.1. she's gorgeous, every bit of her.

but that friesian, whoa. and his owner, a natural horsemanship instructor. turns out she was a the same horse expo we were at in february. we spoke a bit today, and when nicole's mom heard we were at that expo, she said,

that's crap.

and i laughed. we enjoyed it, but it's not for her, plain as that. my girl and i will likely go again, hopefully leaving the big guy at home, he was a downer. we enjoyed the workshops and demonstrations, i think he was bored.

whatever.

anyway, more work, but it's the good kind, and the only --ONLY-- reason i'd be late to dodge. i'll miss some of the beginning sessions, but whatever. these horses matter to me, and i'm glad to do it.

peace. out.

TPizzle

i'm weird, what can i say, but i've fallen in with a crowd of similarly weird people. which is nice.

what we do and how we do it is not the point. my boss was lamenting that we're last in the district for such and such, and i was glad we were excelling at something. (perhaps not what he wanted to hear, but the girls all laughed). it's funny to think about, the things that make corporate america happy. peddling instant oatmeal is what will make the higher ups in my company happy at the moment.

whatever.

anyway, i had to go in waaaay early today. took the kid to the husband on the way in to work, and got lost. i ended up driving like a madwoman to get her there, and to work on time. i called her later that evening because i was such a witch, and said,

i'm sorry. i hope someday you'll forgive me. maybe when you're thirty and in therapy.

she said,

i forgive you now mom. you're weird.

and we laughed.

she's kind. she's always been kind. i'm passionate, shall we say. i hate getting lost and the roads are no kinder to me now than they were when i moved here, they just look more familiar as i'm lost in the middle of winding mountainous (or at least hillatious), new jersey. the state of all right turns. what's that about?

i don't know.

but i finally have a day off tomorrow, and my boss gave me a three day weekend, three days before i asked for four days off (he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to scheduling). soooo, he scheduled me twenty hours in three days, which is about average, i think. and whatever, i'll work it. he said,

how many days are you going to request off?

as many as i can get!

i hollered back. and added,

i requested those four days, the first three days were on you.

and he said,

i know.

but i've got a lot coming up this semester, poetry intensive. poetry reading at the library. lots of stuff.

it's all good, but i gots to get it off.

the new people are showing up and my boss is training this new girl, he says to her,

we're going to play the dice game, it's fun.

and i walk by just at that moment and say,

no it's not.

and keep walking.

he practically busts out laughing and follows me to the back room where he is all red, and i said,

in comedy timing is everything. you know that.

but the girl who was getting trained, perhaps enjoyed our antics. we have a good time, we have to. though when he finally leaves, it gets down to scrubbing and cleaning and shucking instant oatmeal. (actually, i ignore the oatmeal completely. no time to peddle instant oatmeal). whatever.

finally a day off tomorrow, hopefully i'll be better rested as i'm home an hour earlier, but i'm not tired. we have to find a new diner tomorrow, we've already picked one out. and then, to the farm. i hope to not be exhausted the entire time.

peace. out.

not no less work

so, my boss is trying to give me shifts other than closing, which i really appreciate, but he bumped my start time up so early, it becomes a child care situation for me. and, well, that isn't helpful. the reason i work the hours i do are because i have a kid and i homeschool. those things do not permit me to freely schedule my time, much as my boss would like it. i am not a free agent in the time department, that's all i can say.

and my friend's kid wants my girl to sleep over, but i have to work it out so it helps my schedule not weigh it down more, so i said,

no. can't happen.

because it just can't. i'm too tired to be running all over town trying to get this kid to this or that. i do that all the time and now is just not the time for it.

i think my first essay is done. a friend read it, but she is not the best critical eye i could have asked because she didn't know here or there about what i was doing. so be it.

i trust that if i'm to be in this particular program, it will be evident. and it will happen. if not, life goes on. i can't spend anymore time on this. and time is the crucial element at the moment. the fulcrum if you will.

i have laundry to do, before i take my daughter to my soon to be ex, and then away to work. nothing else we can do. no family. no friends. ah well. we carry on.

peace. out.

fantastic voyage

why do i keep coming here to talk to you. to tell you my tender humiliations. the foolish things i do and think. the great ideas that don't workout so well. because i can, maybe. because it's the only way i've got to reach out to you. because i know you'll listen, whatever crazy thing i have to say, and you will understand, even if you say nothing. and somehow, that is enough for me. enough for now.

watching bullriding again. it's one of the few things i have not grown tired of. i lose interest in a lot of things, quite rapidly. not that. never that. not yet at least.

heard a few tracks off the new metallica album. the judas kiss sucks. i'm sorry to say that. but it is full of cliches and bored me. i want to like anything metallica does, but i just don't. plain as that.

a rider just got hung in the bull rope, i don't know the terminology, but it's horrifying to watch. (those brazilians are damn good, the world cup is on and it's amazing. maybe sometime we'll catch it live. i haven't been to a rodeo in years. i think i would enjoy it more now).

i'm ready for an adventure. i can feel it.

but the timing isn't the best, i can't find time for much outside of work and school. today, i made a fashion faux pas--wore white socks with my black shoes. that smacks of granpa on the beach with plaid shorts. not the look i'm going for. and i did it to make my boss laugh.

he's got a lot of pressure. i do what i can to be a complete goofball. and it works. i don't know that many of those kids get my humor, it is kind of off. but he does. and we laugh laugh laugh while at work, i like that a lot. i would like to manage that way. he does use a lot of "rumors" to convey info. but beyond that, he's got a good style.

i have to buy some black socks tomorrow. i can't do another full day like that. i felt so silly. i imagine it looked atrocious.

i don't think myself vain but there are some things that simply should not be done.

black shoes and white socks are one of those things.

well, i'm tired now--or should be. i'll likely lay awake for awhile and try to find something called a magic carpet. i keep looking for it, but i don't know where it went or how to get it back, or if i ever could.

peace. out.

heard back

i submitted my first paper, not my huge packet, that's next week, to my prof. she seemed to find it acceptable. there are a few grammatical jots and tiddles i need to work out, but that is always the case. we do have an issue with citation, but that will all be worked out in due time.

meanwhile, i'm supposed to be planning the year for my daughter's new troop, of which i am the leader (tired, but willing), and i just don't know how it's going to play out. this is why being in someone else's troop was a good option for me. my girl just got sick of it. if i can manage less hours, i can swing it.

but if not, the girls are really going to have to step it up and make it happen (we have some older girls who are supposed to do this anyway).

trouble is, there's just one of me, and that one is tired.

i have only tuesday off this week, but then he gave me a three day weekend next week, sunday through tuesday. glory hallelujah.

anyway, i'm a broken record lately. not much to say.

peace. out.

if there's a gale outside

stay home!

we had customers straggling in all night.

mind you, not enough to make us being there worth it, but enough so we couldn't close early.

if people had stopped coming, i could have been home by 10:30. the people just wouldn't go away. so, i didn't get home 'til 11:45, which i guess is a blessing of some sort, i don't know.

had a guy slap down a fifty tonight, i gave him a pile of ones, commensurate to the amount of shit he gave me, and he says,

guess i'll just have to go to dunkin' donuts.

and i said,

i guess so.

(which is probably not the right answer, but in a storm, who the hell cares about coffee and where you're going to go for it?)

i don't watch the news, so i didn't know there was going to be a deluge tonight. so when i walked to move my car closer, while it was still light, i got soaked through. since i was soaked, i went to take the trash (which hadn't made it out all day) out, and got even soakeder (:D)

at least i wasn't hot tonight.

and i gave my boss my advice,

there is no one out tonight let us close early.

he said i had to keep the doors open until 10:30, no one came. grrr.

i'm trying to find my way through this exhaustion and endless work. sounds like we're getting new people from a store that is closing nearby, which is a godsend. we're the zombie crew. and, well, we just need the help.

but, all that said, i still enjoy the place.

i'm having an all out war with the young girl who is a shift, and i don't know how to even diguise my disdain at this point. i'm too tired to fake it. i wish she would just leave me alone, but she follows me and talks to me.

sometimes i tell her just to leave.

tonight she got in my business, and, well, i'm sure we'll have a chat about that at some point in the future because management is not the same thing as manipulation.

they never will be in my book. i hate crazy management, and it seems all people can see is the dollars and cents. though, at times like tonight when we sell one 4$ drink on hour, and there are two people there to make that one drink, how is this keeping your eye on the dollars and cents? i don't know.

but i'll just say this, i let this girl go home because she was scheduled for a twelve hour day. i told her,

go rest. but i may need you to come in just to close. from 10-12.

she said,

okay, thank you.

even hugged me, an awkward white girl hug (oh, that's mean. :) and left.

meaning, i got no break. no lunch, nothing.

but the way i see it is, i'm not going anywhere. if this kid is forced to work an insane schedule, she'll just quit. if we don't take care of the kids, they won't return the favor.

so, ultimately, though i tried with all my might to keep us from being open past ten, she had to come back in to work.

fortunately the rain let up for our drive home.

i don't think i'm a good manager, because i don't see things the way these dollars and cents people do. i just don't. i advised my boss,

we're all wasted tired. don't ask for anymore favors (he wanted me to call some of the crew and promise favors), just let us close early and go home.

and we did, sort of.

i don't know what to say. i may get busted for letting the girl go home to nurse her migraine, but she came back, rested and functional. the waaaay better option in my opinion than having her there and a wreck.

anyway, i must to bed. it's late. i work sometime tomorrow, not sure when.

peace. out.

the first thing to go

as of this morning is the barn on saturdays. i can't do it. i got home last night around 1am, made it to the farm by 8am, had to leave my house by 7am. you do the math. when i arrive, my friends are in their stalls and enjoying breakfast. which is wonderful BUT!

since i don't like to rush them through their meal, just so i can get on with my life, i left and called nicole.

there is nothing to do,

i said.

pick the stalls if you feel like it.

i have to go home to bed.

i said.

i get in at 1am on saturday mornings. i am exhausted, i can't do this for awhile.

i didn't know.

she said.

nicole is generous and considerate. this was an oversight, but it was a waste of time i do not have. a luxury i cannot afford. i crawled back into bed at 9am, and slept until 2. now i've got to get ready for my next nine hour shift that begins at 3.

if it weren't just standing the entire time, perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. and i figured out why the dogs were hurting so bad last night, a girl we borrowed from another store, whom i like very much --immensely-- pulled the non-fatigue floor mats. we stood on ceramic tile for about five or six hours. (duh!) could have seen that one coming, but there is SO much to do, i can't think about the eventualities of what might happen. i have to be about the now.

so, i'm gearing up, for another shift.

and last night, i finally walk out for my lunch/dinner and when i'm in the restaurant i had ordered it for there. then i decide, no, i better go back to my store. and as i'm walking up the handicapped ramp that leads in, i see this customer at the register freaking out. i know the man, but i'd never seen him flip before.

the thing about it is, when you order a drink the basic drink is one price. when you add on, there is an additional cost. how people can walk in with hundreds and fifties spilling out of their pockets, and cry about $.55 for an extra shot, i do not know.

i opened my till and gave the man $.55

what a baby. i will see him tomorrow. he's a regular, we try not to piss off the regulars, but i told him,

technically, she did it right. i did the same thing to you when i started working here, do you remember?

yes.

he said.

and walked out, grateful that he got his $.55

i was just glad he left.

and this other beotch came in with a cute little purse and a fifty. we aren't supposed to take anything over a twenty because there is a lot of counterfeit bills (or that's the line we're given), and anyway, let's just leave it at that.

so this bitch says,

i have to put $3 on my credit card?

no,

i said,

but you're taking all my change.

and so i gave her a pile of ones about an inch high.

sure i had tens in my drawer, she's lucky i didnt' give her rolls of pennies and nickels too, because i was making a point.

i gave her about twenty dollars in fives, maybe thirty, and the rest in one dollar bills. and it made me happy.

this. makes. me. happy.

and i tried so hard not to burst out laughing as she was walking away.

because i said to her,

have a good day.

and she said,

don't get angry.

i said,

i am not, that is how i say have a good day to everyone.

she said,

i would have been better off putting it on my credit card.

and i said nothing, but i thought, you think? bitch.

i swear. this one woman treated me like i was scum of the earth because i don't own an ipod.

this is how petty these rich folk are, i swear.

and i wanted to tell her something, but she's a customer, and the least customers can do is keep their ignorant opinions to themselves.

or they'll get a pile of ones from me.

i can be a bitch too.

and my favorite line from deloris claiborne is,

sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman can depend on.

whatever.

i try to be nice, but!

and i ran off a group of roving prepubescents last night, they weren't even our customers but they were obnoxious, and rude. i don't run kids off, but if they are going to be brats, i certainly will.

and don't even get me started on the bathroom.

i appreciate the need for public restrooms. it vexes me when there are none, but come on folks. give me a break. be clean.

gotta run. work soon.

peace. out.

untired

i don't remember a time when i wasn't tired.

tonight, i could barely stand, my feet hurt so much. then at midnight, just as we're getting ready to finally clock out, i made a huge mess which had to be cleaned up.

sigh.

my co-worker and i sat in the car talking for awhile, and that was nice, but i'm so tired. and i have to get up early to go feed the horses, and i'm so tired.

i don't remember a life when i had time in excess.

i don't know what i have in excess now, perhaps exhaustion.

it's the kind of tired you can't shake.

i need to do something about these hours. they are too much. too much.

and i'm under orders from my girl to go straight to bed, but i'm too tired to sleep. maybe i'll soak my feet and take some ibuprofen.

that might help.

ah, to be untired.

wasted tired

so i got up around 9am this morning, after going to bed around 1am, then i went straight back to bed until noon. i'm so damn tired. i was still pretty out of it when i got to work, but not like the zombie crew that was working. we're stretched so thin, we're borrowing staff from other stores just to cover our shifts.

my boss finally gets a day off tomorrow, poor guy, so much on his plate.

but the close went well tonight. i ran it, we got out early. makes me happy. everything got done and we had a good time.

we hired this new guy, who is just a jaw dropper, that's all i can say about him. humenah humenah.

and now i'm home, i got my no slip shoes, and they really are no slip. not once did i skid around and have to throw my arms up to stop my fall. it was great.

my boss told me to stop wearing the mary jane style i like so much, but i had already ordered these when he told me, so i am not about to not wear them, and i'm not about to wear some orthopedic looking black tennies with my capris.

no, i'm sorry. i can only do so much for my job. looking like an idiot is not one of those things.

the excavator came in today, but i was busy helping other customers so i only got to say hello.

funny how things work out. the kids are back in school now, which is a huge relief, it was a slow night and i'm glad it's over.

i do have to read through a couple promo binders tonight before bed because the big wigs are supposed to be in tomorrow. i hope it's all going smoothly when they arrive, because we're stretched soooooo thin, it's hard to keep up with everything.

but we are managing and slowly but surely, the new folks are arriving and things are looking up.

but i'm tired, and must to bed.

peace. out.

so damn witty

so, i created these applications to my school, one i started about a month ago and saved it.

like a knucklehead i finally figured out what the password was, after several SEVERAL!!!! unsuccessful attempts. i even phoned as the page said if you've been a knucklehead and forgotten your password.

well, it was so obvious i could scream. and when i finally got it right, i had tried so hard for so long, the records are locked up! ha!

i swear i don't make this shit up.

i don't want to start a new application because it's a pain in the ass.
though this has been a pain in the ass so far, i should just start a new one. but they've already assigned me numbers, and i'd like to keep those numbers.

now to figure out how to get my records unlocked.

gotta love the internet.

and kids, write down those passwords. i hate it when i suffer pangs of wittiness. they never return when i'm back to dullard old me, and if there is no knucklehead, "forgot your password" option, it makes life difficult.

grrrrrr.

oh, and my bunny chewed through my home phone line. :D

gotta love him. i didn't want to talk to anyone anyway, i'm suffering from an acute case of curmudgeonitis.

but i do like to have a phone.

whatever.

one thing more, those luminaries i mentioned, they all said,

i'm glad you're doing it, i'd love to help!

now if i don't get accepted with letters like that from those folks, there ain't no point in pursuing the issue.

what can i say, i'm grateful. if not a tad irriated and frustrated, but hey, what else is new.

keep your fingers crossed kids.

master's app numero uno, done.

so, i've done it. completed my first master's app.

we'll see what happens next. i have to let it steep for a bit, and then mail it off.

have to secure a few letters of rec. and then, see if i get accepted. it would be wonderful if i did.

i'm looking forward, and i think the non-residency based program will work out best for my uncertain future, as i need that kind of flexibility.

who knows. who really knows what will happen next. i certaintly don't.

so the sticky part is asking for letters of recommendation. i have a few very impressive friends (i have many impressive friends, but in this secular literary circle, i know a few shining stars), but they are exceptionally busy. what can i say. i can ask, that's all i can do.

and then, i'll go with whomever can do it.

not the best way to go, but i think all these souls i'm asking have the same grasp of my work, they've had the same access to it, so hopefully it will turn out well. i'm really excited about this now. i just have to print, write a check and be done with it.

peace. out. time to wash some dishes and do some work about the apt. it's hit the skids again.

sigh. what else is new?

home again.

i arrived at work later than expected, because i figured, i'm going to get there and nothing will be done. so, i may as well go when i good and feel like it. and sure enough, walk in, nothing is done. sigh.

this is the same girl who ran the shift last night. sigh. sigh. sigh.

she's young, she's learning, yada yada yada. but i'm tired, too. we're all tired. and to have to deal with someone's inability to prioritize. no thank you.

one example of the lack of planning on her part is, i mop at 4pmish. as soon as i can when there is no one in the store. tonight at 11pm (mind you, we're supposed to leave at 11pm, she tells me to mop the whole store--yeah, right.)

so, i don't. i do the other million things that need doing and are, in my mind, more of a priority.

then, she says,

we're all done.

and i say,

the back room hasn't been mopped.

she says,

you do it.

:D

and so, i keep doing what i'm doing, because i legitimately can't walk away, and i don't care.

she's mopping the back room and i step back there to get something we need to put out for the opening shift and she tries to hand me the mop.

mop your way out,

she says, and i say,

you missed a spot.

and walk out.

you can't take advantage of me forever, the pack mule said.

and so, she finishes mopping. dragging ass all the way. then she comes out and says,

you forgot to dump the mop bucket.

and i barked at her last night because she had me ME dump the mop bucket AFTER we clocked out. and that's just bullshit. do your stuff before everyone clocks out. that's how i do it. and that is how it should be done. no one should be asked to work after they have clocked out. it's bad form.

so i say,

you dump it, i dumped it last night.

(she had already clocked out, but i hadn't. i wasn't going to until she was ready to walk out the door).

so she makes some comment about me making her dump the bucket and i finally get to clock out, and i grab the garbage (which still had to be taken out. sigh again. i would have done it before i clocked out, but i was just wanting out at that point, and the dairy delivery guys had arrived, so we're dodging them as we're all trying to get stuff done), and holler,

i'm outside.

we're not supposed to leave one person alone in there, but the dairy guys were there, and i didn't even want to be involved in the logistical nightmare that is.

so, i take the garbage on my own time, which i think is horribly considerate. and she finally walks out the door as i'm walking up to my car.

we leave, and the nightmare is over.

i'm so glad i don't regularly have to work with her. i think i'd quit.

it's not the immaturity so much as the lack of planning. which i guess, one feeds the other. i don't know. but the whole nightmare ordeal of it really bothered me.

and i'm tired and crabby.

but the gas station man stayed open, i didn't get there till just before midnight. and he was prowling around the place doing something. filled up my tank, then shut off the lights as i drove away. what a guy.

there's someone who works harder than i do. he probably owns the place though, but still, he works very hard.

i don't mind hard work, this is just not the kind of work i want to spend myself on. i think farm work would suit me just fine.

i need to find a farm gig.

someplace i can be apart from two leggeds, and just deal with four leggeds.

peace. out.

never a day off

tonight i only have to go in for a few hours, but they are closing hours, so i have a lot of work to do when i'm there. i'm just fried, but then i try to remember, we're all fried and it will pass. this is just a season.

the new farm is gorgeous. the stalls are huge compared to the previous. the grounds are gorgeous and the fences are all in tact. which makes me smile. they could use some paint, but fresh cut timber lines every paddock and field. that makes me happy.

my friends were glad to see me. that makes me happy.

the owner seemed friendly. she shook my hand when we met, and wasn't put out. that makes me happy.

the place is home to lots of natural horsemanship types, so i can see a bit more of what i'm after, where i'm headed.

the stalls are in a different configuration (at least the ones my friends are in, so they can't see each other as they once could). i was able to help them adjust slightly with my presence. that makes me happy.

but by the end of the day, i was fried. and wanted to go home to sleep. we gave them baths, after i watered them by hand, because it was a hot morning, relatively speaking, and their water bucket in the field was mucky. so i dumped it and carried buckets to them, very rebecca of me. it was hard work, but they were pleased, and that makes me happy.

they ran into the field and circled and kicked and played, they did not have the space to be turned out in a big herd, and now they do. only after they'd run a bit did they find the water hole in the middle of the field.

the thoroughbred entered first, then barnaby, kicking the water, licking at the soup they were creating. i was sure one of them would lay down in it, when bitty, the littlest pony entered the water and dunked her belly down into it. she didn't stay in it too long because the others were really tossing up the water. but she came out and bandit wandered in, kicking away. then she got in again and lay down in it.

when they moved out of the hole, bitty rolled. i'm not sure what else went on because by then, i had to catch my girl's lesson. she cantered on velvet today, her first time off the longe line. which she enjoyed. and i was glad to see.

then, we bathed velvet and retrieved the others, bathing them all, one after the other. by the time we were finished, and i was wiped out, the owner and a friend were waiting for nicole to go on a trail ride. she had to ride western and i wished i could have watched a bit more than i did. she's a proficient english rider, but she looked a bit out of place today, and it was just sweet.

i have no cell reception there, and this makes me happy.

i have to go to work now, but i've had a nap, and my headache has abated. this makes me happy.

that i am strong enough to do the work i do, makes me happy.

easing my friends first day at their new digs, was an honor i dreamed not of. i think a couple familiar faces was helpful.

though i did turn barnaby lose and he bumped into nicole, a failure of communication there, and i wished i'd been able to tell what was going to happen there. lots of commotion with the small herd in the big field. but nicole was gracious, as always. and this makes me happy.

off to work again...

new barn

we usually arrive about an hour before nicole, after having eaten at the small diner in town. we greet our friends, and walk into the paddock, retrieving whomever we choose that day. we linger in the fields, i may say hello to bucky and prince. then renee grooms and tacks up her chosen horse.

but today, we're at a new barn. we won't know where anything is. nicole just moved the gang yesterday, so i am glad we'll be there today to help them get acclimated. i'm sure it's not an easy thing, being moved from the only barn you've known for seven years or so. maybe longer.

we're a bit excited, a bit nervous. we like a new adventure, and this farm is the same distance, essentially, from our house, but in a notherly direction, so we'll be going up through mountains. this may or may not be a good thing.

i'm not sure what her stable set up will be, if we'll even be needed on saturdays anymore, but we'll miss it. though, at the moment i have no time for it. i just like to see my friends and care for them as much as possible.

i won't get to see bucky again, and this will likely hit me today, when he is not there.

i'm so used to seeing him up on the crest of a hill, glistening in the sun, tail whisking flies away.

must go. time to get moving.
peace. out.

i knew it

we had another kid quit tonight. and true to form, this kid didn't even do it face to face with my boss. so i get this call,

come in as soon as you can.

but i'm at the pool for the last day it's open with my kid, i told her we'd stay until three and we did. can't break your word to your kid for work, that's whack!

so i ended up cutting out the whole primping and just showered and dashed off to work sans war paints, and it was all right. i get there and a young girl who is my peer in terms of title says,

i'm running the shift tonight

(she opted not to turn it over to me), and i said,

okay.

here we go.

i can be a dutiful soldier if i have to be, but this girl is not known for her ability to prioritize, and i told her,

i don't like to do things after i've clocked out.

so i take out the trash before i clock out and stuff like that.

all along the way i kept saying,

we need to do this,

and she kept saying,

we'll get to it. don't stress.

at the end of the night, shit ain't done and we get out late. i told her,

i don't want to get out of here late.

i hate that, there is no reason for it except that you're working with a slacker, and we still didn't get everything done. the place was not up to my minimum standard, but it wasn't my shift. so, what can i say? i may get the hit for that one, but if it wasn't my shift, i better not have to hear about it. i told her things weren't right. she opted to leave them undone.

it seems to me, if you've run a shift already, and a fresh shift comes in, turn it over. give up the control and let the other person, the fresh person, run it.

but that isn't what happened, and i am going in tomorrow, on my day off (so much for guarding them fiercely), to help this girl close again. same shit, different day.

but hopefully it won't be so bad because i'll only be there for about three hours, i'm literally just going in to be the other body in the store for closing.

there is so much to say, so much i'm dying to say, but this is not the place. this is never the place.

so i will stop here and go to bed. or try.

peace. out.

a few more shots

lets just say, i see why people carry cameras around.