stop the madness

i have been in a swirling darkness for awhile. (probably since birth, who knows). not of my making, mind you, perhaps of my choosing, i am not sure. can these two be distinct? are they forever entwined and we make and choose our fates without realizing it at the time? i do not know.

but as i contemplate the myriad paths my life could take from this juncture, i am in many ways, excited. dread comes, and i try to stave it off, with remembering my work ethic and how i can pay anything off with a little time and hard work. it helps that i'm appreciated at my job.

perhaps there is the only place i'm seen as competent, in spite of my flaws (in my day to day life, i might add...though, not in school. i get top marks from all my professors, and i've never been the find the prof who will give me an a type. i take any and every prof i can, variety they say).

but i'm home now. i felt horrible leaving my co-worker, but for the poetry book i left her with. my stalking the dead. she was grateful and hugged me. i wouldn't go there with anyone else from work because there is just too much in there. too much. but i greatly respect her. she's amazing. and i think she just might get it.

anyway, i have to, have to, have to study. i've been blazing through my days, i came home from work at around 4 yesterday and slept until about 10, then woke up for an hour, and slept until 4am when i had to get up to go to work. i didn't want to get up.

the morning chill has returned and it's sleeping in time. cozying into a blanket and just snoozing the hours away.

but i have things to accomplish this week. i must make lists and get organized, or forget it. i'll probably have to clean my apt, which hit the skids again. what can i say, i really hate living here. present company and all that.

i better say no more. it is too much.

peace. out.