today

i was going to pass up going to the farm today, long drive. i'm tired, so many reasons. but as i stirred awake this morning, i thought of them, my friends. how i need them today. and this is the truth of it. they do more for me, than i, ever, them. they accept the darkest parts of me, together with that smile i've picked up off the dusty ground and pasted on for a moment.

they love me for who i am. the way you used to. the way you do.

and i need your shadow to fall across my path today, to darken my steps and make them light again.

i am all contradiction now. there is no straight line left in me. i have become the yes and no i once embraced. i have wandered into mystery and there i will remain.

until life takes me up again, and forces me to live. to live. to live.

we are off to a powwow today, my girl and i. my girl and i.

where i will stomp the earth and cry, if i'm lucky. the heaviness of my life will abate for a moment, and i will remember who i am. who i was. i will remember who i am supposed to be. i will find my name, hear my voice being called out. and for once, i will not be afraid.

and when i'm too tired to circle the arena, when i have smudged with them, and laughed with them, and cried myself awake from my waking slumber.

then i will go to them, my friends, who love me the way you once did. who ask no more of me than i can give. these friends whom i would give everything for, without hesitation.

because i love them, as i once loved you. as i love you still.

and i will not always wonder who i have become.

when i look into your eyes, i will know.