dreamlife

we arrived at the powwow grounds waaay tooo early, and left before it even got started, my patience had reached an end. so, en route to the farm, we stop at the library to piddle and cool off. we figure, we'd rather be with our friends than a group of strangers.

and i continue to get lost. every road i take has bends and curves unseen, but i'm making my way there slowly. trying not to freakout on the journey, just go for the ride.

another stinging critter found its way into my pants and my girl just laughs.

why does that keep happening to you,

as i'm bent in half pulling my flared denim high over my boot to see what exactly is stinging the back of my leg.

he was on a flower, and i walked across it. he just chose that moment to fly up.

that i can release them unharmed (though i guess they die, but this one stung more than once, so maybe it was a small wasp or something, do they linger on clover? doubtful). or watch them fly is a comfort to me. and that i'm not deathly allergic is another. apart from that i do not know what they seek or why they venture into my pants to find it.



with my school books beside me, even if we waste time (and i have none to just pitter away), i can study while we lolligag. and we figure, at least at the farm, we want to be there.

even if i drag myself there, scrape up my bones and deposit them at the door, when i scratch someone's sweetspot and they wrap their long stong neck around me, it helps. it helps a lot.

i guess the only affection i get, or give is to horses and a bunny. our birds have allied themselves against us, and we no longer hold them. which is fine. they are who they are. my daughter sometimes corners them and holds one. but not without leather gloves. naughty little birds.

but their twittering cheers me like no other. and i do need cheering.

i bought a mess of sage, my dear friend secured some patchuli for me. i love the smell but never wore it because i knew it would offend my soon to be ex-husband. and so, it will be the fragrance i will blend into my hair and on those hot spots which acts like nature's fragrance releaser.

i bought some heavy bells today. not huge bells but i wanted something weighty for my ankles, and these were just right. i have some pakistani anklets, but those are special occasion jingles. these are more the practice kinds. though i will likely love them, as i have a fondness for the curious. the off, the alternate solution.

i go to sleep at 2am lately, and wake up by 8. not nearly enough sleep for me, but i'm not fighting it. i'm just going with it. i figure, if i'm so tired, i'll sleep. but i do not sleep. i cannot sleep. i lie awake in darkness and look for what i've lost, i try to remember the place i've never known, and see the one i've lost sight of.

until, at last, sleep takes me. the dawn always coming too soon reclaiming my consciousness.

i'm not the same person i was, only who i am today. nothing more, nothing less.

that which is mine will come to me. i believe this.

you are forever young in my eyes. aged to perfection, scarred and torn, but mine. and this is enough. this will always be enough for me. and i can wait. it is what keeps me alive. the belief that anything is possible, that sawn off branches inexplicably find ways of staying put.

and that it can't rain always.