protect yourself

i've been duly warned by my closest friends, yet i fail to act.

there are specifics i cannot go into here, but things are getting thorny and i need to find a place to land, the sooner the better, and a way to make a way for myself. when push comes to shove, not if, when.

often times we don't believe it is possible to have chosen so poorly, until we are wracked with the trial of trying to figure out what is going on. now, i am not doing as my friend said, giving him the benefit of the doubt which may come around to bite me in the ass.

meanwhile, i'm reading a book on art and dance therapy and i get to the essay about the battered woman. how movement is a psychic release for she who is bound. and how battery can be psychological, financial. and how the battery reduces one's choices and options to a point of psychological inability to move.

after i passed the window of opportunity when i could have armored myself against the onslaught, once, i gave up the power to act, i, unwittingly gave him power. empowered the toothless lion to do more than roar. but i do not believe we can be struck down without a fight.

and i do have fight in me yet.

i do have venom to loose. but i don't want to hurt him if i don't have to. it is, by proxy, hurting my kid. how i wish the courtesy would be conveyed in both directions, and for now, i sleep with my back to the wall, hoping not to be swallowed up.

last night, i startled awake many times because the curtains blew over my face, it felt in so many ways like i was drowning, and perhaps i am. but i am of water and foam. the depths do not scare me.

this will not take me down. this will not be the end of me. nor the end of him if i can help it. and that is my dilemma. the damned dilemma of every wife who has compassion.

we put up with these bastards until they drain the last lifesblood from our veins and move on to the next tasty meal. but i will not be sucked dry. not if i can help it.

would i knew the path to take now. that it would make itself clear to me.
for i am uncertain and in my uncertainty, i do no thing. i wait.

this may be widom or foolishness, only time will tell.