check.

last night i dreamed i pulled a dead girl out of a murky lake. she was my cousin (who is gratefully, still alive), stiff as a board. i went in to rescue a woodchuck whom i had tried to get a glimpse of, this woodchuck came in and sniffed around me, then hid from me. after he ran off, he fell into the murky water (while riding a razor, which i thought goofy and my fault) and i went in after him. after looking for him just a bit, i felt my hand brush another, and i knew she was missing, they couldn't find her. and i brought her up. i lay her in her orange dress on the deck and called to my dad/uncle who didn't come out. she was wearing heavy skates, and one was off her foot, i found it on the bottom in the murk. i put it beside her slight broken ankle, and wished she'd made it. but was glad to have recovered her.

i had jumped in with my cell phone and berated myself for dousing yet another phone, so in my dream i took it off, took it apart, and set it on the table. i needed another place to live and i proposed it to my sister, who seemed to be agreeable, but then i found my dead cousin and woke up shortly after.

my family seems to be plagued with indifference. my sister, no, she is overly concerned about the things that happen to me, but the rest of the family, not much by way of reciprocity. i guess it goes both ways though, i don't call them, they don't call me. i don't know the details of their lives, they don't know mine.

it's just a curious time when i'm counting all my allies and trying to figure out who my enemies are. how will this play out and where do i turn next?

i just don't know. perhaps if i'd been more of a tactician, it might be easier. i just don't know.

my girl and i have had a wonderful time the past few days i've been off. reminds me of when i was a stay home mom. how far apart i am from that now, and to be blamed for being at home--when i am clearly working--to be blamed for not doing enough at home--when i am clearly too busy, none of it makes sense.

but then, i guess that is why we're divorcing. what's the point, really?

peace. out.