there's hope yet

it appears i have always been a fatal optimist. i can't help but hope. i can't help but believe, yes even in this economy, even in these troubled times, that it is all going to be all right. i believe this. it will work out. how will it? it's a mystery. but there you have it.

there are two ways i could go with this.

today as i was mucking out stalls, i am so in love with the farm and horses, that i could just take any lame job and go live by the farm and make myself indispensable to the new owner and get any lame low paying job (like the one i have now), just to be by the farm. to let my girl be by the farm. this was plan a.

but, with the impending goodness at my current job, it's hard for me to justify leaving. i have a sweet deal here, personality wise. when am i going to find someone who is so utterly in my corner and wants to help me out that is actually my boss? though as i think about it now, most of my bosses have been this way, so that isn't the best argument, i can just hear my one friend telling me to stick it out and pay my dues here.

what is a miserable existence without horses though? and they make a miserable existence worthwhile. i know this from experience. they have saved me alive. and, if i could spend more time with them, i would. every free moment.

at the moment, they are an hour away from my work. i could, conceivably change jobs. i could, conceivably, relocate and be near them. is this wisdom or madness? how often the two seem indistinguishable in my eyes.

the rents go down if i go that way. so my measely job would cut it. here, the rents are high, and i will have to give everything i've got to make it.

there is so much to think about.

i have a bit of time. the man who rents the apartment i want told me he could save it for me until nov 1. long time. i'm sure if in the interim he found someone else, he'd give it up, but nov 1 is better than nothing.

i need to explore my options some more. i had not planned on changing jobs again. i don't want to. but for the farm. for the horses. that makes so much sense to me. it feels like the life i'm moving toward.

can we take baby steps toward our dreams. though it is not my farm, it would be wonderful. they are not my horses, but i love them just the same.

what to do. what to do.

keep exploring my options, i think. tomorrow, i shall see about a job and the rents by the farm. it never hurt to ask.

peace. out.