p.s.y.c.h.o.

so, i killed my poetry group again, didn't kill it so much as cut back to bare branches. i had thought to explore, to let others in, to try to open it up, but it didn't work. and one of the guys i nixed got vicious about it. white guy, can't say i blame him. i'd be an angry white guy if i was a white guy. i'm glad i'm not. all told, i'm just who i am.

it's interesting how things change.

and tonight i worked with mr. clean. my god i thought i was anal about the dishes, the kid i worked with tonight spent no less than two full hours on the dishes ALONE. i did everything else for closing and we still got out of there nearly forty minutes late.

i'm going to have to explain that to my boss.

the kid kept apologizing,

i am sorry you're frustrated, but i have to do the dishes.

and i said,

fine, but we have a whole store to close, not just dishes.

i didn't plan for it is all. a failure of foresight. another one.

yikes.

what can i say.

so now, i'm wondering if crazy white guy is going to be a thorn in my side. he very well may. whatever, i've survived worse idiots in the past. and unless i give him power, he has none.

what can i say.

it's late, i'm very tired, but wasn't expecting the berating i got. call me naive. it's just when you see someone one way, and they expose that dark vicious side, it's tough. we'd like to think--or, i'd like to think--everyone is, um, kind and understanding.

when, in reality, they are not.

i am not even nice most of the time. i'm not even nice half the time. i don't like nice. but i'm not fake. and that's what he called me "fakey"--just goes to show he doesn't know who he is talking about.

why does it bother me then?

because i didn't see it coming. i hate to be blindsighted. but i'm glad i got it overwith. i needed to be free of him. to eradicate the poison, as it were. i saw a glimpse of the viciousness once, and i retreated. this is why. i knew it was there.

i've had enough of broken people.

but, sadly, we're all broken. some of us just don't lash out so nastily at others.

what can i say. it's late.

i could use a dose of kindness about now. but i'm all tangled up in blue.