do you remember

i do. so many things. sometimes i lose myself in them. they were very good things. things i've never thought or dreamed before, and now i try to believe, in the utter silence, that whispers carry on. that the breath lingers in the lungs and the white sand beach warms for me. somewhere, it rests in the sun, awaiting my arrival. and i will make my way there. i will run my fingers up and down the coarse soft granules and stretch my body across the length of it, and feel the warmth, absorb the warmth, draw it into me. and be full again.

it's not that i'm empty. i'm just tired of endless waiting. i've found some rhythm to my exile, but none that i enjoy so much as you.

the apartment by my work has been rented, so that is all but a foreclosed option. and i'm trying to decide if that's a good thing. i feel okay about it. it was a lovely place, but the timing was not right. so i wait, and trust that when the fullness of time has come, i will move to where i am supposed to be.

and cut off my attachment to the world. to everything that tenously clings at the moment. to let it all go, and find peace.

that is all i want, peace.

i sat at the farm yesterday watching horses in the outdoor arena, the grace and ease with which they move. their owners balanced so effortlessly. the long manes draping the face of the draft and friesian. i am smitten by an all black friesian who is undoubtably the most beautiful horse i have ever seen. i thought nicole's thoroughbred was, and she is gorgeous, but this friesian is a jaw dropper. i just gawk at him whenever he walks by.

so i got to watch him in the arena for a while, then went to watch my girl, but i was too weak to stand for a great length of time and returned to my chair. i'm fighting some damn cold at the moment, but it won't get the better of me. i take meds, power through work, take more meds, then sleep. that is my routine of late.

today, to the ilbrary where i will try to study.

belly dance was cancelled last night as the instructor is sick. but it was good for me, because i didn't have strength for that strenous class either. so i went by work and stocked a few shelves in the time i would have been at class, thereby demonstrating my commitment to the store.

tonight, to a training class, it is my day off, but i am further demonstrating my commitment to the store in this way.

who knows. maybe, just maybe, it will all work out. at least i know this,
that which is mine is coming to me.