drawn and quartered

all the competing areas of my life feel like they are going to section me. but i am trying to hold my center. to not yeild to fragmentation. to do what i must, when i must. and nothing more.

find a way to say no. that is what it comes down to for me. for i cannot give what i do not have. i cannot offer, what i no longer possess. in some ways, i feel very whole, sound, aware of my flaws but accepting them. in others, i feel like i'm scrambling and fighting for some understanding of what and who, where and when i am.

it's not meant to be complicated and contradictory. it's not meant to feel precarious, but in many ways, everything feels precarious to me. and i refuse to shatter. even if i plunge headlong. i refuse to shatter.

i gave up two of my three days off this week, because i had to. i am sorry to see them go. but i've got to prioritize work, and i can't not give it all i've got right now.

but the same goes for school. and i'm going to force myself to focus, in between, in the little snips and quips that come and go, i must, i must, i must graduate. i will, i will, i will graduate.

that is the bottom line. there is no alternative. the end result is decided. this is my last semester of bachelor's work. i'm glad to be in the midst of it. it's a wonderful opportunity i've been working toward most of my adult life. and i spoke with a dear soul at work whom i adore, she said,

even if i take one class a semester for the rest of my life, i'm going to achieve what i've set out to achieve.

YES!

i said, i agree. we cannot long deny our dreams before we become some parody of soul. some vacancy where a person used to be.

i understand times are tough and the economy is in the gutter, but we can make wonderful things happen if we just believe.

i remember when i used to believe. that's what this is all about for me, i think. i've lost my sense of wonder, i've resigned to the gritty reality and coarse mouthfulls of sand. i've resigned.

i need to believe again.

but in what?

that remains to be seen.

i'm hoping those dearest to me are able to see farther than i can at this point, because once again, i have no idea where i'm headed or how i'll get there. it all feels uncertain.

i imagine the journal of a sea captain in search of the bering straight. wondering if he's doomed all his men (which, of course, in many ways, he has). and how it will end. when does one stop fighting, and give up the ghost.

it is not my time yet. i am not ready to lay it down.

i've got some fight in me yet.

that which is mine is coming to me, i believe this.