discouraging encouragement

i'm not sure if it was that or encouraging discouragement, but one of those things happened to me today. and i have to process it all.

i'm really trying to be the bomb at work. it's tough, so much, SO MUCH to think about. and my boss wants me to step up even more, maybe because he knows i can. but i know i can do it. i'm just tired and fried. we all are. there are no excuses, and i'm not making any, i told him today,

i'm just not there yet. but i'm trying.

he was glad to hear it. i never profess perfection, i know that's so not me. i'm grateful he appreciates my brand of honesty because, at the end of the day, it's all we've got, our word. that is.

he's understandably frustrated with our store because we're locked in this vicious cycle of underperformance and confubbled priorities. it has to get straightened out. we have to have a clear destination though, or none of us will arrive. we'll all be working at odds. and mostly, we need to come together and work together.

i needed some chicken soup in the worst way today, and was grateful i remembered the chinese place a couple doors down. i got ghosty soup, as we used to call it, wonton soup, by its common name. wontonicus delicious by it's foody nomenclature.

anywhoo, i slept all day, took meds twice through work, and had ghosty soup. that's how i made it through. i was kind of stuck in first gear, but perked up about when the meds kicked in. now, hopefully rest won't elude me.

i keep agreeing to go in to work on my days off. mostly because i'm being considered for a lot of things, and i need not blow this deal by being inflexible. everything else will have to wait. if i have to provide for myself and another very soon, things has gotsta change. i've got to suck it up and make it work, here at my place of employ. that means helping the place become successful.

i'm really trying, i don't know what else to say. it's hard. when my boss told me his training plan for the new shift, i said,

i wish i'd had that.

he said,

how many times did you train before you opened alone?

once.

i said, and he was shocked.

he keep saying,

why didn't you tell me this stuff?

and i keep replying,

i thought you knew.

yeah, undertrained am i.

but this week he begged to get me into a class that i need. and hopefully he'll square away the rest of my training in the near future.

it would have been easier if i'd arrived at this joint earlier, or, perhaps come later, like now, when most of the dust has settled. it's been a rocky road and we're pretty banged up as a crew, but we're all hanging in there for a bit longer, i think. i hope.

i don't really know.

that's the thing about it. my job is as precarious as the next guy's. so i just have to be that much better at what i do.

and i need a game face. everything shows on my face. i have to figure that one out because i don't have a game face. i'm pretty much what you see is what you get.

oh boy.