mine own

heard this song at belly dancing tonight, it is the song for me at the moment. but i can't find it. so there you have it. i'll have to ask my instructor for the title. (this is all i remember of the song: i'm learning to live without you).

it occurred to me on the way home tonight, that i have approached the dance wrong. it has always been, in my mind, a dance to gift to someone. a dance for someone else. never for me. it occurred to me tonight, that i must dance for me alone.

what does this mean?

i do not know.

but as i arrived at class tonight, and prepared myself for the dance, i left myself open to the women there. they spoke to me. i was encouraged by their kindness. and i hope that the opening we peeked inside tonight, will remain open.

it's hard for women to come together. we're so tangled up on our lives. and rightly so. women live lives of endless details. who needs what, when. juggling all these mindnumbing details requires effort.

who will acknowledge the transitions in our lives if not we ourselves? if we cannot look over our own fences and see our neighbor, actually engage them, how can we hope they will engage us? i am as guilty of this as the next guy.

and we have love, it comes to us in snatches. we must accept it when it arrives, however it comes. for me it has never settled in, save in the person of my child. it has been transient, and left me many more times than arrived.

i do not grieve this fact, merely accept it. and promise to make my arrival profound. to be truly present.

how i can hold my own in a paddock with five horses and not behind a counter with three twenty year olds, i do not know.

but i must find a way.

and my professor is wrong, i am no required to read twenty seven books. now i must work it out with my school. i'm glad. i didn't need to cram that much.

i must away.