wants are needs, or can be

when a woman wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. at least this woman. there is no end to the lengths i would go to get what i want now. even if it means hardship. i do not fear the difficult road. i have walked it before. i know the terrain, how to live there. to forage a life on hard work and discipline. i understand this style of living. but i want more than that for my girl. i want her to thrive, to know there is more than just getting by.

and we agreed to try to leave off open warfare, for the child. but it is not so much the frontal attacks that get me, but the scuttling away my livelihood. the subtle intrigues that drain me. if you're going to stab me, do it where i can see it. i understand that is not how it works, that i am naive, that hand to hand combat is a lost art. but i am not going to hide and skulk in dark alleys because you want me to.

i am going to do what i have to do in the light of day. this from someone who admittedly finds herself immersed in shadow. but that is different, that is reckoning with darkness, not setting up shop there. that is a foray into the underworld, not buying a summer home there.

i am aware of how it works, i understand i cannot have it all, or both ways. i know this. i've lived this. i've never expected it all. only what is mine. i need mine to come to me, so i can unshackle these dreams. revive them, sack of bones that they are, rattling around in burlap behind me, as i drag them down the dusty path. (because i cannot let them go. even when they waste to powder, they are still the remnants of my dreams and i will gather them up and cherish them).

i will find a way through this latest madness. i will be free. i will be able to provide for my child. and we will be happy. it is not beyond me. not beyond mine.

happiness comes when we are in the moment. and, so i try to be here. to be present. to experience those delights of now. when i have a horse on each arm, and she her favorite in the field. we laugh and run them through the pasture and over to the paddock. happiness lights on me and mine

and it always will.