a load off

i turned in my second packet of schoolwork and requiste essay a week early. i had to get it off my mind, it was dragging me down. so now, i'm progressing nicely, and while three of the books i could have written on, i didn't, i can focus on my next large essay which will incorporate these three books. and get on with my life. all told i'm reading about five books right now, and they are pretty good. i just started fire in the crucible, which is amazing so far.

but once again, i'm tired. i think it's more the mental weight i carry than the tangible burdens. because i'm strong, i know i can lift the weight. but i've done nothing creatively for a while now, and that is my greatest outlet. perhaps the muse will return. perhaps not. i must always allow her to be done with me, and i her. though i would be sad to see her go. to have written the last of all i shall write. the living works that come as they will.

i think writers can generate all kinds of shit. hell, i do it here. but the inspired works, those are the ones i live for. finding them, reading them, writing them.

i don't know what i will write, if i will write again. school sucks the life out of me creatively. if i could be in a program where there is freedom and restraint, this would be ideal.

until then, i'm just jumping through hoops and trying to graduate.

on another note, i got my insurance card, finally. i nearly cried. it has been a lifetime (literally) since i had insurance in my own name. eleven years since my last checkup. i'm overdue kids. slightly. but i'm purusing the list of gynos and there are so many men. not that i don't adore the male species in general, but i like a female ob/gyn in particular. dudes, what motivates you, beside the obvious, to study gynecology? it can't be "fun" or even interesting. it's just weird. and the whole male catching the baby thing is just a bad idea. though i've seen a few awful women in the birthing room, i'd just like to go back a few decades, i probably should have been born a long time ago things would have been easier. but then hester prynne comes to mind, and i think, maybe not. again, the dudes make life difficult. and they probably say the same about us.

whatever.