be brave

sometimes it's not the big things, not the everests that are daunting, but the little everyday common woes and wonders that test us to our limits. that test me to my limits.

i see, so clearly, how beset i am by my own shortcomings. how i wish i could get around this whole dark side, and just be light, and positive, and flow. but there must be ebb. i must allow for shadow. and it's just hard. i want to do right, be right, and bless friends and strangers alike. i just don't.

tonight a man came in and wanted coffee ground, i said,

on what?

he said,

the grinder preferrably.

and i just sighed.

he said,

not funny, ha?

i kept insisting,

paper or metal, cone or flat bottom?

that i am hung up on the diction, is beside the matter. i didn't say, IN what, i said, ON what, meaning setting not apparatus. (knucklehead, the joke didn't translate at all).

at the end of the day, i have shit to do and am not paid enough for laugh at crappy jokes. my day is eight hours, and, well, i do the best i can. if you happen to be the man who sends a lame joke out my direction and i haven't the wisdom, shall we say, to laugh, cut me some slack okay? humor is tough to translate. if you don't have the same humor as me, forget it.

usually i smile, but i was in the middle of things and didn't have it to give. not a single smile. which is unfortunate for the man who just wanted to be funny. unfortunate for me because i wanted him to be funny too, he just wasn't. and, well, i don't hide it. i don't hide anything. that's my problem.

i don't know that fake laughter is any kinder than deadpan silence, either. i mean, you always know when someone is just laughing to not make you feel like a heel. that forced, that's not really funny but i'll laugh anyway kind of laughter.

i hate that kind of laughter.

but honesty doesn't do much for the warm fuzzies we're trying to create. so i should try to laugh at lame humor, or maybe just not be so serious when i don't laugh.

whatever, it doesn't matter.

we went bowling today. my girl, my ex and i. it was fun. i enjoyed it. too bad we hadn't done stuff like that sooner. maybe it would have helped. maybe. now, it's just too late. and i'm too tired to try to force the genie back in the bottle.

peace. out.