besetting fears

i don't like to acknowledge them, give them names and faces. i'd rather just have them leave. but they will not.

they come with pulsing emotion, stealing my breath away. and when i say,

i do not do fear.

i mean it.

so in my composed stoicism utterly feigned, i try to remember to breathe.

in and out.

my tai chi instructor once laughed as i blurted,

it's hard to breathe.

because it is. when you're focused on something else. it's hard to remain calm and centered.

i struggle with it anyway.

and my sweet sister confesses her fears to me and i'm full of remedies.

evaluate them. acknowledge them. let them go.

so much easier said than done.

and i tremble at the fears that breathe down my neck, and wish they would just go. or i could crawl back in bed for a long while and it would be better somehow.

but it will not.

there is no place to go if i am afraid of them. they just multiply.

and denial is no river i want to frequent. i've seen the carnage in my own family, those who have gouged their very eyes out saying,

i do not see it. i do not see it.

all the while, it is standing right before them, naked as a jay bird.

how can you miss it,

i ask.

and when it comes to me, it frightens me, i understand afresh, why, how one would rather run and hide than deal with besetting fears.

they are too much and my plans go awry.

when i think it through in my head, plan it out.

in actuality, it spirals out of control (at least my clenchjawed control is fodder for more mistreatment). and i seethe, and burn, and leave as fast as i can.

i would like to conquer these fears today. to look them straight in the eyes and say,

you have no power over me.

i must. i must.

but first, i must breathe.