just try.

i keep trying to bat the wispy worries away. like so many flies that pester me and sometimes bite.

trying not to cloud my transition in worry, i keep reframing it all to the positive. but so many questions run through my mind,

what if they hate me?

my work ethic will win them over.

what about schedules, i have a lot coming up,

will they be as able to accomodate me as the last place?

i hope so, if not, i move again. there is nothing in stone keeping me anywhere. i can do any job, and if i find this one inflexible (that's the thing, they always want you to be flexible, and i understand that, but things come up in people's lives. and i go entire stretches, months when there is nothing on my plate except a poetry reading every month. but coming in with my long list of requests, and being untried, i see how it can look. and i hope it doesn't.)

i've thought a lot about my girl's riding, and i just need help with it. the next two riding camps after this one, if they can't accomodate me with it, i have to work it out some other way. and, i really am okay with this. how many times does she need to tack and bathe a horse? it's not like she doesn't know how, right?

so she has to leave early perhaps, at least she gets to go. three weeks of horse riding camp is a lot.

it's just this new job is farther than the last, making it about an hour from the stables, not just a half hour. and i'm trying to keep my mind clear and focused on all the good. there is so much good ahead.

a boss who actually runs the place by the book, is something.

the company i wanted to be a part of for a very long time, and now, have a chance with them.

there remains some question as to whether my school will let me take the psych of creativity class, since it overlaps my semester. i hope they will. my plan will be to do as much work in advance as possible.

so this week, i hope to do silence and deprivations in preparation for the long haul, which will begin next week if i get into the class.

it won't end until january sometime. but then, i'm done and have a semester and summer off.

i probably need to look at the mfa apps and get that figured out. there is a lot i need to do for that. i can't let up. it would be too easy to slip back into lethargy. but i need to keep moving forward while i have some momentum.

and starting this week, deprivation and silence. at least for a couple days. i haven't done them in so long, i wonder, in many ways what will happen. can i pull it off.

and trust, at least i can try. that is all that has ever been required of me, a genuine effort at something. usually, things work out pretty good.