the duality

when i get home, i'm not sure what it is but it doesn't take long for the wonder to drain out my toes and dissipate into the ether.

i struggled to figure out what to do today.

my daughter regularly rescues my heart from under the feet of the one we live with. and i try to return the favor.

while i was away, my visual file, the one which inspires and challenges me, was packed up and put away. my girl managed to grab it and tuck it safely out of sight, which she tells me was not its intended destination. (the basement was, if you are wondering)

i find it, on an average day, folded up and stuffed behind the tv. i extract it and open it up in front of the tv some days, and spread it out across the wall others (the trouble is we are the small members of this house and a linebacker sized person can't navigate our tiny apartment without scraping up against it).

that i have tweaked this visual file for years now, i have lost track of how many, at least five, should be some hint of its importance.

but apparently, it's not.

so going from a place where i'm regarded as an equally talented and contributing member of a strong group of artists, to a place where i'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time, breaking things, cars microwaves cameras, yes, i break mechanical things, it's my nature.

but i can do a lot of constructive things too.

and now, when i was flagging from my weekend high, i got the green to begin a project that i can only call serendipitous.

my culminating semester at school had a lot of grey area. i know i have to do a belly dance, but the rest was to be an exploration of sound, etc.

so now, i will propose (or have actually), proposed this massive editorial project to my professor to see if he will sign on to walk me through producing a bonafide anthology.

there is a lot i can do and learn in this endeavor. there is a lot i can screw up. but it is the kind of project i can commit to wholeheartedly and willingly, even though it will cost me everything, it is the kind of risk i will gladly give everything to take.

i am sorry i won't be getting my all time favorite professor for this next gig, but i need a rock solid poet with me on this. and if he agrees, i think he could lend a real critical eye to the project.

i'm looking forward again, and that's good.

the now sometimes bums me out.
but there is always some poet somewhere who needs an anthology or some editing.

and after wandering the aisles at the big journal extravaganza, which is an annual affair, everything in me says, go for broke.

broke it is.