Monday, April 12, 2010


i keep getting the run around at the college. it's sad in some ways, that they can't understand what is going on. but, fortunately i have powerful people in the right places. ha! and in short order, i need to drive over there to hand deliver that form. i'm just resting up after a twelve hour crashfest, i am ready to face another day in the life.

so, the kid whom i was standing up for, was the only one who was standing up for him threw me under the bus. it's comical in some ways. that i keep doing that. that i keep trusting those people who have such major issues they cannot see straight.

and it isn't so much about trust for me there. because i didn't have huge trust in the kid, i don't know the kid. it takes more than that to earn my trust. but, i did get mighty angry about it nonetheless.

i keep coming back to, what do these people have to gain by this?

the answer that keeps coming to me is, ignore it.

the whole company is based on highschool politics. that is what i think politics is, generally, just a bunch of bullies getting their way at favoritism games. which is why i refuse to play.

that's my problem though, i don't want or need anyone on my side. and, well, it gets frustrating.

it must be that i have to stop letting it affect me. maybe that's the lesson here, because i can't figure any other angle. it's all just bullshit.

and sometimes, i have a really good day. i worked with my boss yesterday for five hours. i trust her. feel safe with her. and that makes for a good day.

but i have to have my guard up with almost everyone else, and that's just exhausting.

ah well, there are things that must be done. and i'm getting serious. the storyline has to change.

in fact, in the present there is no story.

at the edge of unfolding, there is only presence. that's where i want to live. to be. it is also what keeps me out of touch with the other dramas and intrigues that might help insulate me from some bullshit.

but, whatever. people respond to me and i have to deal with it.

i just have to remember to believe.

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