Monday, April 26, 2010

run away, far away

i know why i leave. it's my only self protection mechanism. i can't fight the ones i love, so i let them win. i opt out. i walk away. let them have what they want, what they need and go.

i pulled myself out of a dream where we were together. even in sleep i can't escape. and i have to let it all go. to close the door. i cannot sustain it.

the issue for me is, i will not sustain it.

how then do i distance myself nearby, i walk away.

i go to silent unacknowledgement mode. i hole up.

some would call this the ostritch reaction, but i like to think of it as the way of it for me. i can't change the facts of the matter. i can only respond to them. they will ever be as they are, i will not. i will not always be here, in this moment. i will move on. i've moved on plenty in the past. time for more of that.

i'm just tired is all. this is not what i thought would happen now.

it never is.

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