out

well now, i've gone and written them, a couple poems. maybe too honest. as is par for me. and the best part is, i have that nervous. oh my god feeling. which is always a good thing in terms of vulnerability. i don't know that writers who don't know that feeling are writing anything worth reading. not that splaying yourself out on a page is just about seeing how many intimate details you can fit. it's not that at all.

it's hard to explain really. art. i'm reading a book now called best words, best order. quite a fine book. i should probably just buy it so i can mark it all up. i know it will be a keeper for me. but i disagree with much of what the guy is saying, though i'm fascinated by the way he's saying it.

i imagine it's a lot like being i love with someone and mesmerized by their eyes. you have to shake yourself out of it long enough to reason. the moments fall away and all that is left are those eyes. those dark eyes. looking back, at you.

at least, that's how i remember it. been a long time since i've been in love. three years, to my recollection. before that, aeons.

i need to distinguish these two, love and in love. because i act a lot like a lovebird in my natural state. i know this about myself, it's who i am. my best friend tells me,

everyone in your life needs to know they are fair game.

and that's so true. so true.

i am profoundly intimate. i can't help it. that is why i keep everyone at arm's length. no one can have so much intimacy with acquaintances. and very few people earn the title friend in my life. even fewer, lover.

that's the rub. i don't know what makes me open up, or close down. i just know what has happened before. i'm trying to forego signs. to let myself be free of what has been. and to just be here now. to just do what is before me.

that's tough. programming is hard to get around. we seem locked into it. or at least i do.

my boss said something about her ex lover to me and i found it profoundly interesting because i have said the very same things about myself. wild.

synchronicity is something.

and i'm trying to change my focus, so i don't obliterate my subjects with such intense scrutiny. but it is part an parcel of being in my life. that i am always poet and woman. both quite volatile at times.