what now

a lot on my mind. likely won't sleep much today, which is fine. i have some pretty significant revision work to do. and this is probably when it needs to happen. trouble is, i have to reenter the stream. without wallowing. i'm a bit nervous about that, and this is where my process comes into question. i am, in effect, forcing myself to reenter streams. i would rather have walked away from all these poems. but my prof sees something in them. granted, not the strength of what has come before, but there is something there. something that i need to strengthen, as it were.

my dilemma, this. to reenter the stream without getting wet.

this is just an intellectual exercise after all. i have tried to separate my heart out from it, and that is, perhaps, why i dread this work. my heart is unruly at best. outright rebellious at worst.

and i and uninclined to hem it in. it is an unshod pony. something wonderful about that wildness that i don't want to lose. and every time, i approach with lead in hand, i end up dropping it along the way and just stand there, unadorned. waiting for it to nuzzle my hand and breathe warm breath in my nostrils.

i led bitty out on saturday. first, i had brand spankin' new converse on. my bad, going to the farm in new shoes. but i am nothing if not thick sometimes. fortunately, she wasn't incorrigible and didn't drag me through the mud. also, it had firmed up relatively well enough for me to find places to step which didn't yield to my weight.

leading barnaby with my daughter astride on the way back up to the barn after the lesson was a trick, he's fast. i kept feeling his hot breath on my back. but he was patient, and at one point just left me behind because it's a really steep hill and i was winded by the time we reached the midpoint.

come on mom,

my daughter calls.

i'm coming, give me minute,

i say panting.

the thing about it is, nicole gets winded two, and she's got a perfect body and is in great shape. so i don't feel like such a slug.

i let them graze at this spot (halfway up the hill), so i can catch my breath,

she announces with a smile.

i need to trust it will be well. all of it. even that which i cannot fathom.

my unruly heart will just have to feel pain, because that is how it is.

and someday, it will be fully received. i believe this.