more of this

she told me,

i want you to stand in the sun and put your arms out and say, yes.

i have yet to do that. i did sit in the sun for a while today and just said,

more of this.

it felt good to be me today. not that anything, by that i mean, no thing, was easier, but it was alright. it's all going to be all right. i tell myself this often. and i am beginning to believe it.

will i get what i want? who knows, but i trust that i will get what i need. could be a song there.

i will tell you this, i have been able to be silent again. moreso than i have in a great while, and it feels good. to not need. anything.

there are so many other things i wish i could put down, but they are still bubbling up in me and i won't likely express them in words for some time. i am waiting to see what my friends say when i don't tell them. i wonder if they'll notice. i'm sure they will, very perceptive those.

and when they notice, i will tell. not before.

something i am holding in. there are only two people i've told anything about it to, and i didn't say much, to either. there aren't enough words to describe it.

one girl at work said,

you're crazy.

and i laughed.

i turned to my boss who had just entered the room and said,

she just called me crazy.

my boss said,

why?

and the girl said,

because she laughs randomly to herself.

i told them,

i have a very funny inner dialogue going on at all times.

yeah, i noticed that,

my boss said. and smiled.

what can i say? i'm happy. i'm tired. i'm busy. i'm doing what i want. and that is all good. it's all i've ever wanted. so i sat in the sun today, feeling it rose up my arms, and i had to stop reading, stop trying to think, and just close my eyes and look into the sun. and bask.

basking is good.

my daughter has latched on to a cd i made some three years ago for a lover i had. it's a very sad cd. not intentionally, just the things on it, some are hopeful, but oddly, it has a lot of very sad songs. and when she puts it on, i have to tell her,

but i'm not sad anymore.

and she just does what she wants.

so many wonderful things, hopeful, joyous even.

and i'm glad to be alive.

i definately want more of this.