Monday, April 12, 2010

more of this

she told me,
i want you to stand in the sun and put your arms out and say, yes.

i have yet to do that. i did sit in the sun for a while today and just said,
more of this.
it felt good to be me today. not that anything, by that i mean, no thing, was easier, but it was alright. it's all going to be all right. i tell myself this often. and i am beginning to believe it.

will i get what i want? who knows, but i trust that i will get what i need. could be a song there.

i will tell you this, i have been able to be silent again. moreso than i have in a great while, and it feels good. to not need. anything.

there are so many other things i wish i could put down, but they are still bubbling up in me and i won't likely express them in words for some time. i am waiting to see what my friends say when i don't tell them. i wonder if they'll notice. i'm sure they will, very perceptive those.

and when they notice, i will tell. not before.

something i am holding in. there are only two people i've told anything about it to, and i didn't say much, to either. there aren't enough words to describe it.

one girl at work said,
you're crazy.
and i laughed.

i turned to my boss who had just entered the room and said,
she just called me crazy.

my boss said,

and the girl said,
because she laughs randomly to herself.

i told them,
i have a very funny inner dialogue going on at all times.

yeah, i noticed that,
my boss said. and smiled.

what can i say? i'm happy. i'm tired. i'm busy. i'm doing what i want. and that is all good. it's all i've ever wanted. so i sat in the sun today, feeling it rose up my arms, and i had to stop reading, stop trying to think, and just close my eyes and look into the sun. and bask.

basking is good.

my daughter has latched on to a cd i made some three years ago for a lover i had. it's a very sad cd. not intentionally, just the things on it, some are hopeful, but oddly, it has a lot of very sad songs. and when she puts it on, i have to tell her,
but i'm not sad anymore.

and she just does what she wants.

so many wonderful things, hopeful, joyous even.

and i'm glad to be alive.

i definately want more of this.

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