try not to think about it

my paper, that is. apartment hit the skids, need to clean it. and hopefully my meetings are cancelled today, so i can do that.

i'm learning some huge lessons about abundance.

she said to me,

what you get is largely what you think you deserve.

and i have to contemplate that. i have to consider it at least. she's probably right. do we set ourselves up for failure, hard times, struggle, success, 100k pay checks, fancy cars? does any of this matter or is it merely the result of believing you're worth these things. are these necessarily the ends of believing?

because i've come a long way in the selfworth department. i believe i'm worth a hell of a lot more than what i had. i am still movin on up, as they say.

and i wrote this long passage to my prof about what i believe my poetic vision is. and again, i have to go back to not surrendering that vision. not for a degree, not for a program, not for anything at all, not even fame of some sort. many artists have been misunderstood, and truly, it's not that i want that. but to change my work to be palatable and understood for the era i'm in. no. i can't. i just can't.

maybe what i'm doing is wrong, maybe the way i'm going about it all is not correct by some standard. but it if is my highest truth, i must hold the line.

i remember cycling back in high school. every weekend, i either rollerskated or bicycled from torrance beach up to lakewood and back, past hermosa beach, through manhattan beach. on those long rides i learned the importance of holding your line. so many times i had a person dart out in front of me. one lady on a bike when i was skating took me out. and then i've got a bloody knee and she passes out, thereby garnering all my attention. i skated off with a limp to the nearest snack shop and got a cup of ice to hold over my knee. and just went about my day.

hold your line.

i try to do that. to stay on the path i think i'm supposed to take. who knows where the journey ends, how it turns out, but this is the path i take, the one truest to my heart. i know no other way to go.

so when she says,

what you think you deserve,

it makes me stop and ask, what do i think i deserve? and unswervingly (ha!), the answer comes back, more than this. that's the one thing i do know. more than this.

life has been reduced to the lowest common denominator in so many ways, and while i get it. i understand what's happening and why, i'm ready to expand. to move forward.

how does it play out?

i do not know. show me.

that's what she wants me to say,

show me.

instead of i don't know, because show me demonstrates a willingness to learn. the way i say i don't know, in my mind does too, but that again is apples and oranges. so i'm trying to change my phrase.

show me.

and while you're at it, convince me.

make me believe,

as i used to tell my lover.