melon rind

sometimes it takes only one look of kindness, one act of compassion to split me right down the middle like a melon so my juices flow. i couldn't stop it tonight. i just started crying when she asked. she heard me out then hugged me.

sometimes you can't have everything,

she said.

and before she left, we laughed. i tried to pull it together, but couldn't. so i kept back as far as i could, and let myself feel.

i don't understand any of it, but i know i must go through it. there is always something to be learned. and this time is no different. perhaps, someday, it will hurt less and i'll move on. that is what my closest friends wish for me. perhaps it is what i need to wish for myself.

there really isn't anything to say beyond that. it is what it is.

and i have to learn how to be present and absent together. distant and close. open and closed.

but i doubt i have the capacity for it and in the interest of self preservation will find the strength to walk away.