not so bad

you make a lot of excuses,

she said.

yes. but it's more about understanding, than just excusing. i'm not sure where i stand at the moment. i'm having one of those roller coaster couple of days and probably better just try to keep the trap shut and get through it. they say, don't make any big decisions, but i always do. always do.

old patterns. tired of them. time to change.

i need to go to bed. i'm sleepy, but i feel awake too. mostly, i just want comfort. it feels like a bottle spinning away from my fingertips, as i'm splayed out as far as i can to reach it. but it keeps just escaping my grasp.

will i ever get it? don't know.

will i keep trying? better believe it.

good is coming to me. i know it is.

i welcome it. though i can't comprehend it. or sometimes even believe it, i refuse to doubt. too stubborn for that. and i refuse to be a victim.

life is about perspective.

i told my boss today,

this could be very demoralizing if i let it. i refuse to let it.

good,

she said.

i do feel safe there. that's huge for me. the more i learn, the more we share, the more shocked we both are at what has been happening.

i trust it will be well though, and that good people will prevail with good intentions.

sometimes they get screwed up, and none of us are perfect, so we muddle through somehow and hopefully end up together. trusting. believing in and for one another when doubt presses in.

i had my best friend tell me i'm difficult today, and sometimes, that's just what i need to hear.

i'm not perfect, i know this.

but when someone who loves you reminds you, it's helpful is all i'm saying.

keeps you humble.

and now, i must rest. tired. long day.

peace.

and goodness, come, i'm waiting.