Monday, April 05, 2010

what now

it was easier than i thought. though things come easily to me, i don't ever really think they'll be difficult. it all comes from a line i read, the only line, to be honest, of a road less travelled. you know, i love that book, but i only ever read the first line.

life is difficult, when you accept this, everything else is easier by comparison.

it makes perfect sense. sometimes, i get so much from something, i can't possibly get more, so leave off and take the bounty that has come so easily. again, there it is. that word.

i do live a life of relative ease. sure i work hard, but who doesn't? sure my hours suck and i have more on my plate than any normal person can handle. but whatever, we have to pay our dues. i'm paying mine. and i feel they're nearly paid. i can feel it. things are going to change. for the better. huzzah.

so, i spring out of bed. who knows, sometimes that happens. and start making phone calls. even before i've paid homage to the porcelain god. left a token, you understand.

i'm calling and writing, and things are happening.

that's the amazing thing about this literacy project, it comes so easy. things are just happening and clicking along. the community really wants this to happen. no one has been an ass. though, i do have to admit, some of the insurance waivers and liability forms are a pain in the ass, but i was able to punt most of that off to red tape handlers at the college, who are on staff and getting paid for such headaches. for which i'm grateful.

it does run in the back of my mind, this event, at all times. like a silent movie. and i keep seeing new details. new angles. new paths to take.

and when i realize, i'm supposed to be marking cups for drinks and making them (i can't remember shit at my job, they must think i'm such a knucklehead), i have to ask sometimes several times what the order is.

you see, we're supposed to be having conversations with customers, marking cups and making drinks simultaneously. all while i'm participating in some internal drama. it's quite fabulous. fortunately, i have a mindless job, and it liberates the mind for thinking.

that will change though, i know it. and at just the right time. that is when things happen for me. when they are supposed to, i have to give myself over to the bullshit of now, which often is just that. and then i can move forward.

which reminds me, i have a parking ticket to pay. gotta love that. the one lot outside our store is signed with one hour parking and resident only. not sure where we're supposed to park if not in the lot, and at five am, i'm not inclined to park around the block and walk. but i will have to figure this out and find some place to park my little pony so i avoid further tickets.

anyway, gotta go pay that ticket while i'm at it.

and i had to wait at the dmv for new plates because i lost one again. i pulled up to pick up my girl and she told me. good thing she has an eye for these details. i'm so in my head, i wouldn't have noticed that for a very long time. anyway, i resigned myself to waiting, with music on and a book in hand, it was fine. even talked to people while i was waiting. it was actually quite lovely.

what the hell is happening to me? it's really kind of great.

i'm pollyanna again. oh gawd. there must be some midplace. you know, i think i'm at that midplace though, because i'm not so dreamy in love and happy as i was, but i'm not so stone cold and grieving as i was. i'm just me.

that's not a bad deal.

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