gently, gently

we find who we need. who teaches us what we must learn in this life. it's not about ease, but about growth. i am convinced of this.

how many times have i run away scared. insecurity drives me away. but i'm trying to hold fast. to remain. to be steady and evolve.

it's terrifying. being this vulnerable. but i'm willing to hold myself open.
to remain woundable.

and i trust, that i will indeed evolve.

as my friend said to me today,

let it happen. don't try to make it happen. let it happen and become a poet of unsurpassed power.

which was nice to hear. that all this pain, all this confusion, all this doubt serves a purpose. even when i don't understand it.

i must let it happen and learn to be gentle with myself. and others.

gently, gently, now go and be who you are in the world.

i will be here for you.

not so bad

you make a lot of excuses,

she said.

yes. but it's more about understanding, than just excusing. i'm not sure where i stand at the moment. i'm having one of those roller coaster couple of days and probably better just try to keep the trap shut and get through it. they say, don't make any big decisions, but i always do. always do.

old patterns. tired of them. time to change.

i need to go to bed. i'm sleepy, but i feel awake too. mostly, i just want comfort. it feels like a bottle spinning away from my fingertips, as i'm splayed out as far as i can to reach it. but it keeps just escaping my grasp.

will i ever get it? don't know.

will i keep trying? better believe it.

good is coming to me. i know it is.

i welcome it. though i can't comprehend it. or sometimes even believe it, i refuse to doubt. too stubborn for that. and i refuse to be a victim.

life is about perspective.

i told my boss today,

this could be very demoralizing if i let it. i refuse to let it.

good,

she said.

i do feel safe there. that's huge for me. the more i learn, the more we share, the more shocked we both are at what has been happening.

i trust it will be well though, and that good people will prevail with good intentions.

sometimes they get screwed up, and none of us are perfect, so we muddle through somehow and hopefully end up together. trusting. believing in and for one another when doubt presses in.

i had my best friend tell me i'm difficult today, and sometimes, that's just what i need to hear.

i'm not perfect, i know this.

but when someone who loves you reminds you, it's helpful is all i'm saying.

keeps you humble.

and now, i must rest. tired. long day.

peace.

and goodness, come, i'm waiting.

run away, far away

i know why i leave. it's my only self protection mechanism. i can't fight the ones i love, so i let them win. i opt out. i walk away. let them have what they want, what they need and go.

i pulled myself out of a dream where we were together. even in sleep i can't escape. and i have to let it all go. to close the door. i cannot sustain it.

the issue for me is, i will not sustain it.

how then do i distance myself nearby, i walk away.

i go to silent unacknowledgement mode. i hole up.

some would call this the ostritch reaction, but i like to think of it as the way of it for me. i can't change the facts of the matter. i can only respond to them. they will ever be as they are, i will not. i will not always be here, in this moment. i will move on. i've moved on plenty in the past. time for more of that.

i'm just tired is all. this is not what i thought would happen now.

it never is.

melon rind

sometimes it takes only one look of kindness, one act of compassion to split me right down the middle like a melon so my juices flow. i couldn't stop it tonight. i just started crying when she asked. she heard me out then hugged me.

sometimes you can't have everything,

she said.

and before she left, we laughed. i tried to pull it together, but couldn't. so i kept back as far as i could, and let myself feel.

i don't understand any of it, but i know i must go through it. there is always something to be learned. and this time is no different. perhaps, someday, it will hurt less and i'll move on. that is what my closest friends wish for me. perhaps it is what i need to wish for myself.

there really isn't anything to say beyond that. it is what it is.

and i have to learn how to be present and absent together. distant and close. open and closed.

but i doubt i have the capacity for it and in the interest of self preservation will find the strength to walk away.

broken girl

i haven't called myself broken for a very long time. ages, in fact. but sometimes, i find myself doing the same things, the same ways, and have to admit i have particular bents. i head in a particular direction. i go down the same roads.

i am beginning to understand some of it, but by no means, all.

and by broken i no longer mean shattered. perhaps chipped is better, more suited to what is transpiring. i've got some things to sort out still, and so i shall.

so i will do what i know to do. purge what i can. try to hole up against what i cannot seem to change. though, change is inevitable.

and the chief said to me,

you've just made a quantam leap.

which, coming from him, is huge. i respect him. he knows the particulars of my life and is in the peculiar position of being confidant and witness.

i trust the leaps will carry me to where i need to go. that the destination is still unfolding, but certain. and with determination i can change my life.

sun thyself

summer is coming. the tanning oil is poised and ready to be used. i didn't spend a lot of time basking yesterday but some. it's better to begin poquito por poquito. but it felt good, like i'm alive. soaking it all in.

paper due monday. clock ticking down. i have to trust it will be well. i found a point i had missed earlier, and based on the response i got when i read the piece to my dearest i am going to trust that it is well and submit it.

such an interesting thing, writing. it's so intimately connected with living for me.

went and sat by a lake with a friend yesterday. it was nice enough.

he was describing the saftey precautions in nascar,

there are arm restraints.

.

so your arms don't get chopped off.

.
he smiled and looked at me.

well, they don't say it like that.

but i do.

and a neck brace.

so your neck doesn't break and your head doesn't fall off.

he laughed.

.

i'm graphic, what can i say.

he proceeded to describe other things and i just listened silently as my interpretation was not helping much. but he did remind me of a poem i had written years ago, which i'm going to have to cop a line from.

dunno. woke up with an idea which may not fly. i have to ask first. think later. then again, maybe it will fly. who knows.

i'm closing the store tonight and tomorrow night. at least tonight i'm with a girl who does her job well. meaning, i don't have to do everything. and she thinks i'm crazy, which makes it fun for me. guess my personality is slipping out a bit there. and that can only make it interesting.

my girl is dragging me to the mall today. i bought three outfits yesterday, two dresses and a skirt and top. they are so summery and sweet, i can't wait to wear them. need to find a pool and place to bask regularly this summer.

enjoy the noise

the chief says as he walks out the door yesterday.

they are tearing up the mountain again, and drilling right outside my front door. it's wearisome, really. i'm home from work, ready to dive into schoolwork and it sounds like a war is raging outside.

i guess i'll get out of my comfy pjs (i know, it's not even 1pm), and go to the library to get something done. it's odd how they time their breaks, how the breaks coincide with my not sleeping anymore or not being home.

i'm just going to try to write the paper, though i don't have any idea what i'll say. if worse comes to worse, i'll just go sit by the hudson and enjoy the sunshine. it's gorgeous outside.

it's you

he stepped out of the elevator and gawked at me. one hand holding the door open, the other kind of flailing in midair.

hey,

i said, turning from the bottom of the large flight of granite stairs i was about to ascend.

i knew the face, his name followed shortly after in mind though i didn't call him by it. he rummaged around in his wallet as i entered the elevator.

third floor, turning in a sound permit.

he hands me his card, and i give him mine.

i haven't seen you in a year.

yeah, since jan beatty. i won't be there on saturday for mark doty,

then i started going into it all. blah, blah, blah. literacy program.

why this man likes me, i don't know. why he likes to photograph me, i have no idea. but it's something. and i don't have a scrap of makeup on, and i'm wearing purple leopard pants and black platform flipflops, which is no surprise. but i didn't want anyone to see me as i was just dashing about town delivering forms.

i wasn't exactly dressed for work. i thought i could be sly.

but i did manage to get the final form turned in and while the clerks office wanted to give me shit, it is a permit that we have already secured the mayor's attendance, etc. and if they want to dilly dally now, it's too late.

what are they going to do, show up and unplug the mayor while he's giving a speech? not likely.

alternately, this whole thing could combust before my eyes and i'd just end up laughing. i'm really trying to pull this off, but if it ain't one thing, it's another.

and now, i'm just hoping for the best. keep my head down and ride it out. the buzzer will sound soon and hopefully my thighs will still be clutching the bull.

or, i will have flown clear, or been gored. dunno.

can't tell.

but it's fun. and i'm enjoying my crazy life.

try not to think about it

my paper, that is. apartment hit the skids, need to clean it. and hopefully my meetings are cancelled today, so i can do that.

i'm learning some huge lessons about abundance.

she said to me,

what you get is largely what you think you deserve.

and i have to contemplate that. i have to consider it at least. she's probably right. do we set ourselves up for failure, hard times, struggle, success, 100k pay checks, fancy cars? does any of this matter or is it merely the result of believing you're worth these things. are these necessarily the ends of believing?

because i've come a long way in the selfworth department. i believe i'm worth a hell of a lot more than what i had. i am still movin on up, as they say.

and i wrote this long passage to my prof about what i believe my poetic vision is. and again, i have to go back to not surrendering that vision. not for a degree, not for a program, not for anything at all, not even fame of some sort. many artists have been misunderstood, and truly, it's not that i want that. but to change my work to be palatable and understood for the era i'm in. no. i can't. i just can't.

maybe what i'm doing is wrong, maybe the way i'm going about it all is not correct by some standard. but it if is my highest truth, i must hold the line.

i remember cycling back in high school. every weekend, i either rollerskated or bicycled from torrance beach up to lakewood and back, past hermosa beach, through manhattan beach. on those long rides i learned the importance of holding your line. so many times i had a person dart out in front of me. one lady on a bike when i was skating took me out. and then i've got a bloody knee and she passes out, thereby garnering all my attention. i skated off with a limp to the nearest snack shop and got a cup of ice to hold over my knee. and just went about my day.

hold your line.

i try to do that. to stay on the path i think i'm supposed to take. who knows where the journey ends, how it turns out, but this is the path i take, the one truest to my heart. i know no other way to go.

so when she says,

what you think you deserve,

it makes me stop and ask, what do i think i deserve? and unswervingly (ha!), the answer comes back, more than this. that's the one thing i do know. more than this.

life has been reduced to the lowest common denominator in so many ways, and while i get it. i understand what's happening and why, i'm ready to expand. to move forward.

how does it play out?

i do not know. show me.

that's what she wants me to say,

show me.

instead of i don't know, because show me demonstrates a willingness to learn. the way i say i don't know, in my mind does too, but that again is apples and oranges. so i'm trying to change my phrase.

show me.

and while you're at it, convince me.

make me believe,

as i used to tell my lover.

purge.

the poems are coming hard and fast, which is good, because i need them. i also need to write a critical paper (short) for monday. haven't even begun. but i've been thinking about it (or avoiding the thoughts of it, depending on how well you know my process) for the entire month. now, to trust my process.

and i do. it's just the deadlines and i look ahead to my work week and know it will be tough. that i'll have to wring it out of my mind at some point, usually these papers just fall out of my head, but lately, i've had to do some wringing. i think because i'm forcing myself through so much so fast at the moment.

today i got stood up for an appointment, and while i was sitting in this mob cafe (at least it had that feel to it), the most beautiful black man walked in, he had his hair in a bright yellow geri cap i think they are called, and he was dark. he walked in and smiled, apparently, he was the cook.

when i finally gave up on my meeting, i walked to the counter to pay for my coffee and i said,

he didn't show.

the cook says,

i'll take you out.

and i smiled.

i need vets. are you a vet?

no.

and i talked to just about everyone in that cafe today. i left my contact info in the hopes that some unsuspecting vet would come across it and save the day.

i don't want a date with anyone at this point. i have too much to do.
it was nice being reminded, it's always nice being reminded that people are interested, but essentially i've got too much going on.

the only reason why the last person got my digits was because i was unsuspecting. i had no idea what to make of it. and it confirmed a few of my suspicions, or rather, made me aware of a few of my preferences at this point. so i'm grateful for the assistance.

tomorrow, back to paterson, back to the city streets.

and today, i went to my attorney's office, she walked right up and was touching my necklace. i have a peso that was made into a medallion coupled with a chakra necklace which, as i've said

is a rainbow tambien.

i like people who aren't afraid to touch. to be curious as children. and to draw near.

those are the people i tend to trust.

not about me

i'm coming to understand my capacity in some people's lives is to reflect who they are back to them. it has nothing to do with me really, and the more i can keep my shit out of the mix, the better.

one doesn't look in a mirror to see the mirror. in so many ways, that is what i am. a function of my life. i'm cool with that. now to embrace it.

i realized today that some people are passing through my life for their own purposes, probably a good deal more people than i realize. and i have to let them go their way.

i don't understand it, but i don't have to. it's not my place to know the details, just to be a sounding board.

and so i shall. i just have to remember, it's not about me.

makes life a whole lot easier when i can stop trying to figure out my part in the drama. it's just my place for a moment in time.

and i'm ready for the good stuff to come. been ready for a while.

bring it on.

stand not amazed

so much resolves itself if you just let it. and i'm grateful for it. i have no energy to make things go or stay. they must do as they will. i didn't know what was going on with this one anyway, so i'm glad it's resolved. resolution is good.

today, so much to do. meetings stacked one on top of the other, starting with a phone call in about an hour. i have to get the veterans on board and we'll see how that goes. it's got to move quickly now. the thing about it is, when you're asking for things you can't push people's timelines. though now, my timelines are down to the wire. i have much to accomplish and so little time. it can be done though, i know it.

i have to remember not to be concerned about that which is beyond my control. there were a couple areas that the school would not give on, and i had to get others involved. those areas are dead in the water at the moment and i don't have any way around them. i could, conceivably, do it myself, and i will if it doesn't go my way today.

ultimately, i'm doing the best job i can and think i've got the bases covered. hope so. just found our mark doty will be teaching a poetry workshop the day i'm at this veteran's thing. i would so much rather be in workshop with mark doty.

ah well. such is life.

i have to let that one go and honor the commitments i have made.

it's all for the best, i know it. every bit. even the bits i don't understand.

need the veterans today. must have them.

timing

sometimes the things we think will happen, don't. sometimes, what we don't expect, does. most times that's the case, i'll say. at least that has been my experience of late. i finally stood on top of a rock and streched my arms out to the sky and said,

yes, more of this.

more of what? it's all been bullshit lately. but that's not what i mean. there is an integrity here. there is something honest going on. i can handle complicated, i can't handle bullshit. that is all i've ever said, and i mean it.

today went nothing like i expected and we two seem to be crossing like ships in the night, but as i said, timing . is . everything .

the one good thing about today is that i came home and feel like writing. will i? not sure, i'm also incredibly restless. but i want to write and that, for a writer, is huge. there is something about the desire, coupled with the fodder that has to be in place. then, it comes down to timing. again with the timing.

i don't understand any of it. why it goes the way it does, i can only trust. and the more i wrap my mind around it, the more i like that phrase i came up with recently, there is something precarious about trusting. it requires trust.

it's one of those obvious absurdities. the kind of thing a poet lives for.

and i'm needing to move forward. to break out. to get somewhere.

but the timing has to be right. it's a bit like jumping into double dutch. you get one chance. you can stay there for days once you're in, it's getting in that is the tricky part.

so much of life goes back to lessons we learned as children.

play nice. (though i am a firm believer that niceness is overrated)

can't think of anymore, because i've never been that good on the playground. always off walking the fences dreaming i was somewhere else.

maybe that's my lesson from childhood.

check in.

i understand completely now, why i opted for checking out.

now it stops

the drilling outside my front door again. i've been here, trying to sleep through it. now that it's time for me to get up, they are taking a break. nice.

i'm not going to let this ruin my day. i'm off to spend it with my best friend and there is so little time. so little time for what we love.

i was going to go with her to an appt this morning, but she insisted i sleep.

you need to rest, then meet me.

so that is the plan. i don't know that it's been very restful, but my body is grateful for the compassion.

and the one pushing into my life has found room, and i'm always amazed at life's little mysteries. how things come and go, how people arrive to ease the absence of others. the curious thing about this soul is the timing. timing always intrigues me.

when it's too soon, nothing happens.

when it's too late, same.

but sometimes, the toll is paid and the crossing begins.

i'm ready for my next tat. i've gone back to my third idea, where i was wavering on a fourth, i think it is not time for that yet. she will have to wait. she has waited this long, she can wait longer. for me, it is what i originally wanted.

i am captivated by my other idea, though, so it will likely happen. just not yet.

must get up, time to enter my day, though someone is already whispering in my ear. and that's curious.

undaunted

and sometimes she found she was afraid. there were things she could not control, plans contrary to hers. but she held true. she found her will to be her guide and it was all, at times, that got her through. there was no protector, no knight to save her like in the stories she'd heard too many times. it was time for her to save herself.

and so she did.

and it became all she could dream, and more. she moved from grace to grace with ease. she found favor again. and remembered how to laugh. she found, if she kept trusting, trustworthy people would remain in her life. and she would have their back and they would have hers. but it was always precarious, trusting. it requires trust.

trust is not an easy thing, she knew this. her inclination to trust was founded in an untrusting world. a world where trust is looked down upon, and she was undaunted.

that was her problem, she kept believing.

in what?

they asked.

.

exactly

she replied.

for she had learned there was no one person or thing to set her trust upon, but that trust itself was the key. belief was not hinged upon any thing, but belief itself was the key. and she held them close, though life tried to pry her fingers apart, and she bloodied, sometimes, found the strength to keep her hand clenched, then opened, at the right time, opened. for one cannot always hold, one must learn to let go. to let it all go.

and so, she saved herself.

and was undaunted.

ouch, it burns.

serves me right for going to work to get my head straight. my boss' boss showed up right when i did. i was still zoned out, and it takes me a while to check in, regardless of when i come on. work is such an on place. i am not on at all when i'm off, and the reality of being social takes some warming up.

so i am generally quiet when i first arrive, couple that with, first thing in the morning, first morning shift in a long time, and the boss's boss there breathing down my neck. what a great way to start the day. but it ended well. though, by that i mean, we drove to my girl's lesson only to get rained out.

i turned around and drove the hour back home, and my girl wanted art supplies, so we stopped off and bought sketch books, pencils of various softness, charcoal, and erasers. since we really can't do the acrylic painting she loves here, it's something definately for another time, she'll settle for pencil drawing.

she now has two hard cover field sketch books which are very nice. i'm glad she picked them out. sometimes i wonder about our lives, but moments like these reassure me. that she is still solid. and we will be okay.

home now, work this evening, and i have to make time to clean the apt. it looks like a bomb hit it.

pilates and belly dance kicked my ass. probably because i've been vegging out a lot instead of exercising, but i kept grabbing my abs yesterday, which probably isn't a bad thing, they just burned and ached from pilates. and my instructor said my thighs would kill me, and they do. seems just about every part of my body is on fire, but i think it was more from the belly dance than pilates, as we did a lot of hip circles, and my thighs were burning within minutes. we kept at the circles for about ten minutes, and it was painful. but good.

i stopped about three quarters of the way through pilates, and just couldn't get started again, so i lay there on my mat, staring at the ceiling.

i excel at pilates.

the good news is, my body is changing.

now. to clean the apt.

must do

sometimes we simply must do what we must. big things going on. big decisions.

i spoke with a woman who said,

don't be afraid to make the decisions, look forward to getting to choose from every option.

i hadn't quite seen it that way, as overwhelmed as i was feeling. i was more innundated by the endless options, and just wanted someone to say,

do this.

it's easy to defer sometimes, then, one doesn't have to take responsibility for the way things turn out. that's the bottom line. but now, i have to take responsibility because i am the only one deciding. me alone. and that's okay. it's time.

i must to work, to begin a busy day. but i'm grateful for the distraction. sometimes work and the endless routine of it, the mindless tedium presents itself like a beacon of light. and i go there, to feel safe.

mostly, i'm just moving in a direction and this is one of the steps on the road to my future. i look forward to it. but i must learn the lessons of today.

where to begin

there are so, so many loose ends. so many directions to go, and i uninclined to wander. i do not see poetry thus, as some road to travel, walking down we force the scene to change. but i am told to march, and so, i do. stumbling mostly. perhaps something will come of this, i do not know.

so, i set out. into a land that is unknown, by a way, not my own. to arrive somewhere. will it be worthwhile when the journey's done? i can only hope.

and my little one, so strong, so brave, decides to tell me herself.

so i ask, will you come back from the dead.

and as yet, i've received no response.

huh

met someone recently who is gently nudging their way into my life. i told my best friend about it today and she encouraged me to go for it.

life is short,

she said.

we talked about the first time we met, i completely dismissed her because i was rushing in to retrieve my kid from a homeschool function. she sat not two feet away from me to be social, and i didn't have a word to say to her.

i'm not the easiest person to get to know.

right,

she said.

.

i expect, if you want in my life, you'll persist.

most people won't. you hurt them with your dismissal and they walk away.

fine. i don't need the easily hurt in my life. but there are so few people that will actually persist.

exactly. it's rare.

i go after those i want to know.

and i do. i don't have a lot of room for people in my life because it's too intimate in here. it's not that i want anything at the moment, that's the thing. it's all about the experience.

and my god, my body aches from pilates and belly dance. i stopped about three quarters of the way through pilates and couldn't start up again. i should have just kept moving with the class, but my body just ached. my belly was groaning.

we went out for sushi today, and i admit, i ate the lion's share. eel and crab with curry thai and cosmos. my god it was fabulous. delicious. but halfway through belly dance, my belly was groaning.

so tomorrow, i will go, likely, meet with the one who keeps calling and just wants to get to know me. who knows, maybe it will be a good thing. feels like it will.

scrambling

with proper care, even a feeder fish can grow into something noteworthy. watching my kid's diminutive koi, as we call it, whose bowl i freshened before bed, i notice the particular ease with which it glides. the lidless eyes searching the scoured bowl for something, anything. goldfish are notorious eaters, i guess all fish would eat what is found, but i think goldfish are the worst.

and then there's our lovely, angry betta. perhaps not angry so much as displaying. it's quite impressive. a gorgeous little diversion. in looking for a picture, i found out that these are siamese fighting fish. don't know why that surprises me.

i'm going in to cover my boss' shift and she's taking mine, which is good and bad. i wanted to work with the girl i was closing with because she's kewl. i like her. she's got amazing energy. but, we switched it up, and now i'm working in a completely different vibe. this is why i like not knowing who i'm working with because then i don't come in to it expecting anything, or with any preconceived notions. i just roll with it.

was supposed to have a meeting today but had to reschedule and it works out because the man i was meeting with had me on his calendar for next week, not this week. i hate to waste my time like that. i would have been sitting in a cafe waiting for them to show up. the trouble with rescheduling is, it shortens the amount of time i have to get done what i need done. i trust it will all be well.

gives me a bit more time to prepare. and i have a packet due in a couple weeks, need to knock that out. i've been contemplating the revision work she's asking me for, and, well, there's nothing there yet. it doesn't seem one can reenter a stream at the same place one left it. the location may be identical, but the waters have changed, the feel of it. so too with these, i have to immerse myself again. and it's my own damn fault.

i have to believe things work out for the best. that we enter each other's lives for reasons and leave when it's time. my aim with everyone i love is to leave loving them. to let them go in peace. i don't want difficulties and hard feelings to be the remainder. i want peace. more than anything. and so, for me, it is easier to leave in peace.

must go, enter my day before the details get ahead of me.

more of this

she told me,

i want you to stand in the sun and put your arms out and say, yes.

i have yet to do that. i did sit in the sun for a while today and just said,

more of this.

it felt good to be me today. not that anything, by that i mean, no thing, was easier, but it was alright. it's all going to be all right. i tell myself this often. and i am beginning to believe it.

will i get what i want? who knows, but i trust that i will get what i need. could be a song there.

i will tell you this, i have been able to be silent again. moreso than i have in a great while, and it feels good. to not need. anything.

there are so many other things i wish i could put down, but they are still bubbling up in me and i won't likely express them in words for some time. i am waiting to see what my friends say when i don't tell them. i wonder if they'll notice. i'm sure they will, very perceptive those.

and when they notice, i will tell. not before.

something i am holding in. there are only two people i've told anything about it to, and i didn't say much, to either. there aren't enough words to describe it.

one girl at work said,

you're crazy.

and i laughed.

i turned to my boss who had just entered the room and said,

she just called me crazy.

my boss said,

why?

and the girl said,

because she laughs randomly to herself.

i told them,

i have a very funny inner dialogue going on at all times.

yeah, i noticed that,

my boss said. and smiled.

what can i say? i'm happy. i'm tired. i'm busy. i'm doing what i want. and that is all good. it's all i've ever wanted. so i sat in the sun today, feeling it rose up my arms, and i had to stop reading, stop trying to think, and just close my eyes and look into the sun. and bask.

basking is good.

my daughter has latched on to a cd i made some three years ago for a lover i had. it's a very sad cd. not intentionally, just the things on it, some are hopeful, but oddly, it has a lot of very sad songs. and when she puts it on, i have to tell her,

but i'm not sad anymore.

and she just does what she wants.

so many wonderful things, hopeful, joyous even.

and i'm glad to be alive.

i definately want more of this.

where have you been?

the lady at the post office kept missing my question because she hadn't heard it in a while, i guess.

when did the price of stamps go up,

i asked for about the third time.

she was affixing a little two cent post office thing over the two cents due stamp on my letter.

about two years ago, where have you been?

out of touch, apparently.

i jacked the roll of stamps in my hasty exit from my communal quarters and never thought to check if they were (OH WAIT, now i remember, god, it has been forever, i did have two cent stamps, which i forgot to jack. oh well), still good.

details. i do everything without stamps these days, so i've mailed a few letters lately shy the two cents, i'm certain it all evens out in the end.

so i set out to get one of those toll tag things, ezpass. it's some secret where they sell these things and i found one in new jersey, of all places. check that box off.

got a reprieve, and don't have to go to paterson today. so, i'm home again, chillin till it's time for me to work. i really need to do some homework, think i'll go sit in the sun and read. i'm fading.

but ah, my bed feels good.

explain

i keep getting the run around at the college. it's sad in some ways, that they can't understand what is going on. but, fortunately i have powerful people in the right places. ha! and in short order, i need to drive over there to hand deliver that form. i'm just resting up after a twelve hour crashfest, i am ready to face another day in the life.

so, the kid whom i was standing up for, was the only one who was standing up for him threw me under the bus. it's comical in some ways. that i keep doing that. that i keep trusting those people who have such major issues they cannot see straight.

and it isn't so much about trust for me there. because i didn't have huge trust in the kid, i don't know the kid. it takes more than that to earn my trust. but, i did get mighty angry about it nonetheless.

i keep coming back to, what do these people have to gain by this?

the answer that keeps coming to me is, ignore it.

the whole company is based on highschool politics. that is what i think politics is, generally, just a bunch of bullies getting their way at favoritism games. which is why i refuse to play.

that's my problem though, i don't want or need anyone on my side. and, well, it gets frustrating.

it must be that i have to stop letting it affect me. maybe that's the lesson here, because i can't figure any other angle. it's all just bullshit.

and sometimes, i have a really good day. i worked with my boss yesterday for five hours. i trust her. feel safe with her. and that makes for a good day.

but i have to have my guard up with almost everyone else, and that's just exhausting.

ah well, there are things that must be done. and i'm getting serious. the storyline has to change.

in fact, in the present there is no story.

at the edge of unfolding, there is only presence. that's where i want to live. to be. it is also what keeps me out of touch with the other dramas and intrigues that might help insulate me from some bullshit.

but, whatever. people respond to me and i have to deal with it.

i just have to remember to believe.

no good deed

as they say, and it remains true.

don't ask.

all i can say is, i need a radical overhaul of my life. doors to open, things to change. i wonder if i've learned the lessons here. because this for the underdog crap doesn't work out for me.

and i'm tired. i need a rest. and some good news.

damn straight

so, miracles happened. mountains moved. what did you expect?

i was asked that question.

was it what you expected?

i don't have expectations.

and oddly enough, i found it to be true. i still find it to be true. it's something to just let life guide you, and to trust. not a whole lot of people get that. but those who do, priceless.

was racing around the town for the literary program today, and so much got accomplished. those things that are still in process, i've sicked the hounds on people who aren't returning my calls. they will. very soon.

it's something to be sitting in a room full of connected people who know how to get things done. they even joke when i say,

how is that going to happen,

and they laugh.

i told them,

it helps that you know everyone.

the reply was,

it's good that you have the tenacity not to give up.

i've secured just about every loose cannon, and the final huge deadline will be handled by me on monday. i have to go to town to hand deliver the application that someone else is forcing through the system.

we sat there at the end of the meeting and filled out the application together, it's a very collaborative group and i'm grateful for this experience. as difficult and time consuming as it is, it's been richly rewarding.

it's nice that when i report on all that has happened since our last meeting, that they all sit rapt and light up upon hearing it all.

it's a good feeling. i need a better job.

went in to work briefly before my meetings to change into a collared shirt (still had on jeans and converse though), and one of the kids pulled me aside to give me a whatfor. apparently, she was displeased with my work efforts of late.

so she starts talking and i said,

oh, you mean the close at the end of my eleven hour day?

she says,

yeah.

i really want to hear what you have to say, but not when i'm not on the clock.

and i left it at that. she can tell me my work sucks then. when i have to listen. on my own free time, i just can't. i had just left the first appointment of the morning and was walking on sunshine. there was no way i was going to let that go so easily.

if she wants to throwdown, so be it. i will listen and do my best to remedy whatever concerns she has. but if it is nitpicking, i will just let it go.

i'm tired now. must to bed. my mind needs rest from the exertions.

and the good people who are able to make miracles happen smiled upon me today.

and i am grateful.

push, push.

i am one week out from some pretty heavy deadlines pertaining to the literacy project. thing is, i need the college to act quickly. quickly, in part, because i didn't realize the extent of what i needed. having never done this before, though i should have realized the contract, and it is a contract, needs to be executed by the college. so now, it's time for fancy footwork. i have to get moving quickly today to get things in the right hands and make these deadlines. mostly, once i deliver the forms, it is out of my hands. i can't make the college move on this. i must trust those who can make things happen, will.

this morning i have an appointment with someone whom i hope will help me prepare to move forward. i've been struggling for a while now. and i'm ready to change my life. i've been ready. i've just been waiting for doors to open. sometimes, i'm strangely patient. i want to learn all the lessons of this season before venturing off into the next set of lessons. that is something i've learned. if you don't deal with it while it's right in front of you, it will come up again in your new venue. don't want that. want change. to integrate the lessons of the season. there have been many.

i spent the day with a friend in the park, we lay in the sun by a gorgeous knotted tree that look like fairies live in it. we did school work and sunned. it's finally gorgeous weather here.

after that, i took my girl to the barn where she had a lesson on her favorite pony. i'm trying to fit this into my schedule now, as it matters to her. the thing is, my schedule is unforgiving. and the farm is an hour drive. that makes quite a time commitment out of the situation.

i'm not sure what will happen today, but i must get moving. engage.

this is the best part of it though, actually doing the stuff. i have at least two meetings, an appointment this morning, and a delivery to make. i will be about the town trying to sort out last minute details and maybe, if i'm lucky, life will afford me the luxury of some down time to read.

i'm grateful for the good weather, now i just need favor. and the good people of the college and the city to cooperate and move very quickly.

i believe in miracles.

every day.

out

well now, i've gone and written them, a couple poems. maybe too honest. as is par for me. and the best part is, i have that nervous. oh my god feeling. which is always a good thing in terms of vulnerability. i don't know that writers who don't know that feeling are writing anything worth reading. not that splaying yourself out on a page is just about seeing how many intimate details you can fit. it's not that at all.

it's hard to explain really. art. i'm reading a book now called best words, best order. quite a fine book. i should probably just buy it so i can mark it all up. i know it will be a keeper for me. but i disagree with much of what the guy is saying, though i'm fascinated by the way he's saying it.

i imagine it's a lot like being i love with someone and mesmerized by their eyes. you have to shake yourself out of it long enough to reason. the moments fall away and all that is left are those eyes. those dark eyes. looking back, at you.

at least, that's how i remember it. been a long time since i've been in love. three years, to my recollection. before that, aeons.

i need to distinguish these two, love and in love. because i act a lot like a lovebird in my natural state. i know this about myself, it's who i am. my best friend tells me,

everyone in your life needs to know they are fair game.

and that's so true. so true.

i am profoundly intimate. i can't help it. that is why i keep everyone at arm's length. no one can have so much intimacy with acquaintances. and very few people earn the title friend in my life. even fewer, lover.

that's the rub. i don't know what makes me open up, or close down. i just know what has happened before. i'm trying to forego signs. to let myself be free of what has been. and to just be here now. to just do what is before me.

that's tough. programming is hard to get around. we seem locked into it. or at least i do.

my boss said something about her ex lover to me and i found it profoundly interesting because i have said the very same things about myself. wild.

synchronicity is something.

and i'm trying to change my focus, so i don't obliterate my subjects with such intense scrutiny. but it is part an parcel of being in my life. that i am always poet and woman. both quite volatile at times.

burning in me

sometimes i can feel it, building. usually, it's before a poetry intensive, i don't write. i just backbuild. like a storm on the prarie. you can see it for miles, that a storm is coming, but not there yet. when it does finally roll in, there is no mistaking it. the shift of winds, the brisk air swirling, making way for the rains. the long awaited rains.

that's how a poem feels to me when it comes.

and i just have to be patient, not chase it down and attempt some type of understanding. glimpse some of the horror. power can be devastating. and that is what i've learned of late, there are many types of power.

a conversation quickens in my mind, and i find myself in the middle of a poem.

now let's see if i can make it breathe
so you can see it too.

what now

a lot on my mind. likely won't sleep much today, which is fine. i have some pretty significant revision work to do. and this is probably when it needs to happen. trouble is, i have to reenter the stream. without wallowing. i'm a bit nervous about that, and this is where my process comes into question. i am, in effect, forcing myself to reenter streams. i would rather have walked away from all these poems. but my prof sees something in them. granted, not the strength of what has come before, but there is something there. something that i need to strengthen, as it were.

my dilemma, this. to reenter the stream without getting wet.

this is just an intellectual exercise after all. i have tried to separate my heart out from it, and that is, perhaps, why i dread this work. my heart is unruly at best. outright rebellious at worst.

and i and uninclined to hem it in. it is an unshod pony. something wonderful about that wildness that i don't want to lose. and every time, i approach with lead in hand, i end up dropping it along the way and just stand there, unadorned. waiting for it to nuzzle my hand and breathe warm breath in my nostrils.

i led bitty out on saturday. first, i had brand spankin' new converse on. my bad, going to the farm in new shoes. but i am nothing if not thick sometimes. fortunately, she wasn't incorrigible and didn't drag me through the mud. also, it had firmed up relatively well enough for me to find places to step which didn't yield to my weight.

leading barnaby with my daughter astride on the way back up to the barn after the lesson was a trick, he's fast. i kept feeling his hot breath on my back. but he was patient, and at one point just left me behind because it's a really steep hill and i was winded by the time we reached the midpoint.

come on mom,

my daughter calls.

i'm coming, give me minute,

i say panting.

the thing about it is, nicole gets winded two, and she's got a perfect body and is in great shape. so i don't feel like such a slug.

i let them graze at this spot (halfway up the hill), so i can catch my breath,

she announces with a smile.

i need to trust it will be well. all of it. even that which i cannot fathom.

my unruly heart will just have to feel pain, because that is how it is.

and someday, it will be fully received. i believe this.

.i.m. f.r.y.e.d.

made it through my marathon day. the first thing my boss said to me when i saw her was,

i feel bad about these long days you guys have to work.

she's very sweet. in so many ways and for so many reasons, i'd rather work long days and have more days off than little short shifts. but there's something to be said for a cameo. the thing about it is, we have so few people at our store, we all have to work almost every day. it sucks. it really sucks. but again, glad i'm working. can't wait for my perfect job. or at least something i want to do.

i told the kid i worked with,

if mother theresa came in tonight, i'd hate her. i'm so over it.

he laughed.

a customer ordered a drink and i rolled my eyes. god, i never thought i'd get there, but there i be.

so, two days off. the second day is jam packed with appointments, stacked end on end like jenga cubes. tomorrow, i only have to get up to take my kid to the farm for a lesson. late in the day, so, i can sleep. sleep is sweet.

may it come quickly tonight and bring sweet dreams

eleven hours

on the clock tomorrow. trying to gear up for it. this is why i spend my days off in bed recovering. which is hardly a productive way to spend a day off. either that or i'm a zombie when i'm out and about. which is the better route? at the moment, not sure.

but it's all good. i've done loooooong days before. just need to get through it is all. and i will. keeping my spirits up will be key. this is why i pamper myself with all the bells and whistles pedicure when i get a chance. my feet take care of me.

so this guy was telling us really dumb, i mean, five year old kid jokes the other day. i just ignored him and walked away. i'm not paid to laugh at stupidity. same guy walks in at ten till close and buys a sandwich, then sits down to leisurely eat it after busting my chops for not having a paper.

who in their right mind keeps the papers until ten pm? i have learned to keep them till around eight, but longer, no way.

then, the guy leaves crumbs. he's shoving the sandwich in his mouth because i'm over it and want to leave. he is the only reason we are dragging ass. there are things i can't do, like lock the doors, with a customer sitting there.

so, finally, he leaves.

ah well. i'm home now. tired. but the mind is going. have to get up early for that marathon day, the best part is, my boss will be there and she's kind.

i saw this woman today walking toward the store and said,

she's cute.

and she walked in. to the register and smiles.

what can i get for you?

she's completely ripped. i mean, perfect body. and so i ask,

where do you workout?

the gym.

she replies.

and i laughed.

right.

she laughed, too.
.

i'm trying to be nice here.

no, it's really called the gym.

becauase she's finally realized she could have sounded like an absolute bitch. but she was answering my question. the whole thing was rather funny.

and, well, i haven't met anyone that made me smile like that in a while.

what now

it was easier than i thought. though things come easily to me, i don't ever really think they'll be difficult. it all comes from a line i read, the only line, to be honest, of a road less travelled. you know, i love that book, but i only ever read the first line.

life is difficult, when you accept this, everything else is easier by comparison.

it makes perfect sense. sometimes, i get so much from something, i can't possibly get more, so leave off and take the bounty that has come so easily. again, there it is. that word.

i do live a life of relative ease. sure i work hard, but who doesn't? sure my hours suck and i have more on my plate than any normal person can handle. but whatever, we have to pay our dues. i'm paying mine. and i feel they're nearly paid. i can feel it. things are going to change. for the better. huzzah.

so, i spring out of bed. who knows, sometimes that happens. and start making phone calls. even before i've paid homage to the porcelain god. left a token, you understand.

i'm calling and writing, and things are happening.

that's the amazing thing about this literacy project, it comes so easy. things are just happening and clicking along. the community really wants this to happen. no one has been an ass. though, i do have to admit, some of the insurance waivers and liability forms are a pain in the ass, but i was able to punt most of that off to red tape handlers at the college, who are on staff and getting paid for such headaches. for which i'm grateful.

it does run in the back of my mind, this event, at all times. like a silent movie. and i keep seeing new details. new angles. new paths to take.

and when i realize, i'm supposed to be marking cups for drinks and making them (i can't remember shit at my job, they must think i'm such a knucklehead), i have to ask sometimes several times what the order is.

you see, we're supposed to be having conversations with customers, marking cups and making drinks simultaneously. all while i'm participating in some internal drama. it's quite fabulous. fortunately, i have a mindless job, and it liberates the mind for thinking.

that will change though, i know it. and at just the right time. that is when things happen for me. when they are supposed to, i have to give myself over to the bullshit of now, which often is just that. and then i can move forward.

which reminds me, i have a parking ticket to pay. gotta love that. the one lot outside our store is signed with one hour parking and resident only. not sure where we're supposed to park if not in the lot, and at five am, i'm not inclined to park around the block and walk. but i will have to figure this out and find some place to park my little pony so i avoid further tickets.

anyway, gotta go pay that ticket while i'm at it.

and i had to wait at the dmv for new plates because i lost one again. i pulled up to pick up my girl and she told me. good thing she has an eye for these details. i'm so in my head, i wouldn't have noticed that for a very long time. anyway, i resigned myself to waiting, with music on and a book in hand, it was fine. even talked to people while i was waiting. it was actually quite lovely.

what the hell is happening to me? it's really kind of great.

i'm pollyanna again. oh gawd. there must be some midplace. you know, i think i'm at that midplace though, because i'm not so dreamy in love and happy as i was, but i'm not so stone cold and grieving as i was. i'm just me.

that's not a bad deal.

big meanie

driving home on easter and what happens? a bunny hops into the road and meets fate. i happened to be the catalyst for his entering the nether regions. and, well, it's sad but kind of funny. i felt bad that i offed a cute little cotton tail, but i came home and told my kid. i had to, it's just too classic not to. true to form, she replies,

what's next? a deer on christmas? a turkey on thanksgiving?

.

i don't know,

i laughed.

so, i'm home now. feeling my day. feeling my week. knowing it's push time. i have to get it done, and quickly now. there is no time to waste. i hope i don't forget all the details swimming in my head. i write lists and try to pin them down, but i lose the lists. probably not a good sign. right?

so, i'll sleep in tomorrow. won't make myself get up. i work better when well rested.

and i will figure it out then.

now, watching a movie with my best gal, and sleep.

i forgot how much i love sleep.

i'm glad it's not eluding me anymore.

sleep comes

heavily, heavily. seems, the way it used to elude me, it has now taken to me again. which is good and bad. but, i hope i'm out of the woods with the sickness stuff, because i really do have a million things to do. one look at my calendar and i know it's a long week ahead.

i spent the better part of last week, not focused on my literacy project. just checking in, spinning plates as it were. but the time is drawing nigh. and i need to move quickly this week. line things up. return phone calls. i keep going over the events in my mind, seeing them taking place. zooming in and out with my imagination looking for things that might make them better, more comfortable. how i can plan now for eventualities. the thing is, no budget. so, i need to make miracles happen.

i wanted the park squared away before advertising, but that isn't possible. so the advertising begins trusting it will all be well.

and i'm sure it will be. i seem to depend on favor, and it always materializes. from the most unlikely sources. i will continue to trust things will work themselves out.

i close tonight and the next two nights. with a guy no one wants to work with. they think he's not worth keeping around.

the interesting thing is, i enjoy working with him. he's a good kid. i'm not sure why others can't see people the way i do, but i'm not going to let this kid go down without defending him. he is who he is. there is no law saying we all have to be some ideal person or personality. we just have to try. he does that.

i told them,

maybe it's because i'm a mom.

who knows. really, why some personalities gel and others don't. i think, it may also be partly because we're both new and he's had it rough. there is no joy in being the new kid when everyone is out to get you.

and i have to remind myself, it's only coffee. who really cares?

so we closed friday night, had a decent time. it is work, after all, but he works hard for me. keeps moving, does what i ask. which is the recipe for my happiness at work.

i really don't know why it's such an acrimonious relationship with the other kids. i think perhaps it's because they want him to be someone he's not. i ask him to be only who he is. that's my problem. i get people. this is, and isn't a good thing. this does, and doesn't apply to the general public.

i keep saying, it takes longer than the three minutes they want the customer in house waiting (from register to handoff), to make a connection (at least for me). i'm focused more on getting the customer the hell out of dodge.

this one guy, was in line, and i was on the other side of the counter, filling the refridgerated area. i saw the line, and walked around. the line literally disappeared when i walked around because, a. the store is tiny, about as big as my apt. b. we rock. anyway, he stands there looking at me, and i say,

resigned yourself to waiting, eh?

.

yeah.

he said,

i have no idea what i want.

.

it's okay, take your time.

he smiled.

sometimes, i'm good at my job. but mostly, i just want to get it over with these days. i have so many other things to do, that when i'm there, sometimes, i just have bide my time.

now, i must get up and enter my day. much to do before i go to work.

and it's all good. it is all, very good.

ooh, my head

so, the migraines. who knows. who really knows. but my kid has become effective at assuaging them.

i know, i know. something you've seen a thousand times.

as i've said before, i can't stop the whirring of my mind sometime, and when all i feel is pain, mindnumbing pain, the lights go off, the ice comes out, and a video goes in. something familiar. my mind falls into the cadence of the familiar language and i drift off to sleep.

used to be one ice cube. then, two--that was a big deal. now, it's a whole blue ice, ice pack. i put it alternately on my forehead and then behind my head at the nape of my neck. this distracts me enough from the pain to let me focus on the familiar movie.

i hadn't had a migraine in a long time, about six months or so, now two in a week.

i awoke with a throbbing headache, and went to the farm anyway. life goes on, people depend on me. yadayadayada.

so, we have a lovely day, and i remove the speaker bluetooth because piping chris cornell, as wonderful as he is, into a throbbing head, isn't the best idea.

i left off the headphones for the better part of the day.

but we had errands to run on our way home, and sometimes, the music soothes me.

i made it through the store where i had to pick up a prescription, and knew the clock was ticking down.

i won't last long.

i could feel it, creeping up, spiky claws digging into my brain.

my girl darts to what she needs and races back to me, we're out of there in record time.

i check the mail, as she's waiting the arrival of something (and, truth be told, so am i). but we have one more stop.

i can barely keep my eyes open at the library. as we are standing in line, i hand her my card and money for the fines we've incurred.

i close my eyes between signals,

watch for the green,

i tell her. by this time, the light of day is painful.

and we make it home, i lay down, she turns off the light, retrieves the ice pack and puts in the familiar video.

and after sleeping for some time, and nearly thawing halfway through the ice. i'm up. she needs dinner.

i feel the pain returning, and i will likely melt the pack the rest of the way. and sleep, hopefully, not think about what i am not doing while convalescing.

the way i see it is, the body knows what it needs. apparently, my body is demanding rest. and so, i oblige.

i will manage the details when my head stops splitting.

there she is

so, i had a friend, my best friend, actually, who wanted me to write about her. has been asking for years for me to write about her. and i never really have. i don't know why. she's turned up in poems here and there. she's had plenty of quotes here and there. but none have been about her.

wednesday was wild, and i knew it was a poem.

i'm having these strange, more than ever present poetry moments. before things used to go in the cooker and come out who knows when and where. sometimes, i could see the crockpot being loaded with visuals, words. but never knew the poem before it was.

oddly, and yes, i know, i'm odd, that is changing.

i think because i'm more aware of the process now. like jumping in my car isn't the magic it was when i was a teenager, because i know i have to keep up with the oil, rotate the tires, fill the tank, replace the wipers. there is work involved.

writing has, for me, been largely unconscious. not void of consciousness mind you, but it has come from some unexplored country in my soul. i never really understood it, and at the time, i don't know that i was ready to deal with it. it wasn't important then to know what made me write and why.

i guess that is the good thing about this mfa program, it's making me consciously aware of processes i have become accustomed to. when i'm explaining to a table full of poets how it works for me, then reiterating that process to a mentor, these things translate to my conscious mind. my god, how could they not. how could i form words if not with some conscious awareness.

i so get it.

so, in my life these days, i walk through the motions. i make the perfect foam for a cappucino (work is very uninspiring poetically, except for me to make it and get the hell out of there), and move through my days. work involves quotidian mysteries like housework used to. i've lost the sanctity of it, but i'm trying to remain present to the dailyness of it. to having a job. for now, that is what matters.

but then, when i get off work, i snatch the ticket from my window (parking, what a pain in the ass), and head off to see my girl. diversions aside, i had bought a pair of shoes, two lefts, which i find kind of classic, and finally make it up there.

even paying a toll to get up there faster, that's how fast i wanted to be there. but i tried with every ounce of my being not to rip the shoe salesperson's head off, it was not their fault the shoes were mixed up.

be kind,

sometimes i tell myself this. more often than not, i need to hear it.

and we're finally installed at the restaurant. this, after i've written a poem on demand. very few people can demand of me this way,

don't center justify.

and she laughs.

center justify it.

.

i didn't sign up for this!

i start reapplying my hi-tops, and heading out the door,

and caps! my god.

she made me rhyme, i'll later say. it's curiously everything i'm not that she wanted. but whatever, i did it. we make it to the restaurant.

i'm glad you're back.

.

yes.

i know she means the past month when i've been anything but myself.

i had to go through it. it was tough.

.

i know. i saw it.

.

yes, but i had to see it.

there are so many times she tells me the whatfor, and i can hear it over and over again, but i can't reconcile it until i say it, articulte it, utter the words. she's usually right. and i don't let that annoy me, i am good at ignoring reason.

but we sat there, and i saw her so clearly. i left knowing i would write it down. and i did.

it's not easy for me to just write about someone. i have to see them. know them. feel that compulsion. live whatever it is i'm trying to capture. that is part and parcel of the dilemma.

and now, i learn to separate art from life. that is my task.

i don't know that my subjects will change. i will still write about people i love. but, i have to understand the required maintenance of my process. which i do. and i knew, long before i went off on my last tangent, what it would require of me. and it did.

i'm feeling more myself again, centered, grounded, all that is. my energy is still whacked, but it will right itself. i'm sure of it.

and in the meantime, i'll have some fun.